Let’s start with the great news:
Passed the Teaching Assistant Test!
I also finished the workshops and got fingerprinted, so now I only have to wait for the certification paperwork to get processed by Albany. I submitted to a bunch of TA jobs even though I don’t have the certificate yet, so I’m hoping to get a few callbacks and get an interview before that’s done. Doesn’t look possible, but you never know. At least I finished all the requirements and now I can focus on getting into an actual TA position, which is probably the harder part.
The completion of the TA path and some personal stuff did result in me hitting a slight wall. I’d been pushing myself really hard with the studying and I think I built up too much anxiety. So, I ended the week with a few bad attacks. All at night, which is the norm. I should be fine by tomorrow since I’m taking it easy. I’m noticing that I don’t notice my stress when I’m excited. Might have a little cough, but everything else is manageable because I’m focused on something positive. Even searching for TA jobs and working on a cover letter was enjoyable. Still, there might be another reason that my stress tends to rise up from time to time.
With the certification requirements met and only job hunting to do, one would think I have time to write. At the very least, I should be able to edit Derailing Bedlam, which will start up on my blog in November. You’d be right in this assumption . . . Yet, I can’t muster the imagination or mojo. Ever since certain things happened in my life that only a handful of followers have been told in private, I can’t write. Anxiety sets in and my focus vanishes if I edit. My characters’ voices aren’t coming through if I try to write. It’s almost like a piece of my soul has been sloppily removed. There are traces of the urge, but I can’t get my brain to settle into the old patterns. It feels way worse than writer’s block because this is spanning all of my ideas.
Pretty sure this is where people will start leaving comments of support, but I have to admit those cause a little bit of pain. Part of it is because I’m still being told by those who caused this crumbling that they still support me. (Don’t worry. I don’t think they read this blog, so there won’t be any drama below.) In fact, I even get yelled at when I bring up this issue. I’m lectured about how nobody wanted me to quit, which means my hand was forced without a clear idea of what it would do to me. Don’t get me wrong. I want to go into teaching to some extent like I was planning before my son was born and I had to move back to New York. Heck, I tried to get a Masters right after I graduated from college, but my GPA was .04 points shy of the cut off and I was only an English Writing Arts major. I’m saying that I will enjoy and thrive in a school. Maybe it will soften the blow of my lost mojo, which I’m terrified will never come back.
You see, I’ve never had a point in my life when it was this hard to get into the mental mindset. There were periods where I didn’t have the time, so I jotted down notes and outlines in notebooks. That was different because the creativity was still there and easily accessible. Now, it’s either buried or missing. For someone who has been writing like a man possessed for so long, it’s very disorienting. This is where the pain from well wishes comes from too. To me, they sometimes feel like people are saying stuff at a funeral for part of me. Is that dark and dramatic? Yes, but that’s the best I could come up with.
Anyway, this is becoming too much of a sad rant. I’m going to try to edit Derailing Bedlam if I have time to see if I can jog the senses. I have War of Nytefall: Rivalry too, so editing might help me out for a bit. Though, there are some aspects of that second one that hit too close to home. So, let’s get to the goals:
- Follow up on jobs.
- Submit to any new jobs that turn up.
- Study for the Clerk-Laborer exam. Yeah, I would rather be a TA, but I paid for the test and might as well try to ace it. It’s all about pride now.
- Continue reading ‘Bleach’ (manga) and watching some ‘Blue Exorcist’.
- If energy and mojo are mustered: Edit Derailing Bedlam
- If not mustered: Schedule December posts . . . Wait . . . I forgot something . . . OH!
Monday starts the finale of my ‘Raven Series’. It’s Raven’s Wrath and will last the entire month with each post going live at midnight. Join me and see what kind of send of Dawn Addison will get.
Also, it’s never too late to submit a guest post.
Legends of Windemere 
It sounds like quite a positive week, Charles. Congratulations on passing the TA examinations.
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Thanks. 😁
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Congrats on passing the exam. Must feel good.
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Thanks. Does feel good. Now the real challenge begins.
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Best of luck on that.
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I believe you got this, Charles. It’s still there and will return. Good luck with the TA job, my daughter works with children so I remember all the fingerprinting and stuff.
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Thanks. 😊
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Yay on the TA certificate! Huge congrats! I hope now all the rest of the pieces fall into place, including your writing. Having gone through something remarkably similar myself last year, I learned that a) inspiration doesn’t really go away; it just hides until all relevant conflict has been resolved; and b) there are many more ways to promote your writing career along with writing. Again, congrats on your success!
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I hope so too. I’m trying to think of other ways to promote, but it’s hard with my current mindset. Part of it is that I’m worried that going near my writing will be a signal to some people that I’m falling back on ‘forbidden’ habits. This crushing sense of the unknown isn’t helping me at all.
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Sounds positive to me. Things sometimes happen in their own timeframe, and you only have so much to dedicate in one week.
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True. Though, it is frustrating if I don’t have anything to do.
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When was the last time you just relaxed? I mean the kind where you don’t look at your watch and worry about all the time you’re wasting instead of working on a writing project. I do it too, and there are times when you have to step away for a while.
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December of 2017? I was supposed to relax for all of August while taking care of my son. That didn’t happen due to personal events, which continue to today. Hard to really relax these days.
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Charles, Congratulations on the TA certificate. I’m guessing the word “ultimatum” pushed your anxiety almost to the breaking point. I’d say your mind is concentrating on TA work & took the place of writing. It will ll balance out in the end once you get established in the new career. Good thoughts and best wishes for that. 🎼 Christine
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Thanks. I really hope it does, but some of the tension might remain.
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That’s perfectly normal entering into a new career! Best of Luck, Charles!
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You’re going through a major transition. It’s only natural that you mourn. Maybe also you aren’t ready to forgive those who betrayed you … I’m so glad you have some positives to focus on.
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There is a resistance to forgive. Part of that comes from a sense that they don’t believe they betrayed me.
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Ugh, I know people like that. They act so wounded, don’t they? It’s maddening.
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Congrats on passing, and best of luck with the actual hunt. Here’s hoping for a good school-based job! I’m also not sure your mojo’s lost, exactly…just gone into hibernation for now. Pretty sure it’ll come back to you eventually.
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Thanks. Hope it isn’t a long hibernation. Seems it gets worse whenever the ‘I do support you’ argument turns up.
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Way to go on passing the exam. As a TA, what grade level do you hope to teach?
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Thanks. I’m not sure. Way back when I did substitute teaching, I was grades 6-12. Now, I might be interested in elementary since I’ve been working with my son all these years. Depends on the need.
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I think the elementary kids would love you. Then again, so would the big kids. Great to have an open door of opportunity.
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Hope it opens wide too. 🙂
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😀
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Congratulations on passing all the tests and things. Good luck in getting one of the jobs you applied for.
Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding the writing and creativity. Yeah, I know, it’s easier said than done. But give it time.
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Thanks. I’ll do my best.
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That’s all anyone can ever do. 🙂
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