Let’s start with the great news:
Passed the Teaching Assistant Test!
I also finished the workshops and got fingerprinted, so now I only have to wait for the certification paperwork to get processed by Albany. I submitted to a bunch of TA jobs even though I don’t have the certificate yet, so I’m hoping to get a few callbacks and get an interview before that’s done. Doesn’t look possible, but you never know. At least I finished all the requirements and now I can focus on getting into an actual TA position, which is probably the harder part.
The completion of the TA path and some personal stuff did result in me hitting a slight wall. I’d been pushing myself really hard with the studying and I think I built up too much anxiety. So, I ended the week with a few bad attacks. All at night, which is the norm. I should be fine by tomorrow since I’m taking it easy. I’m noticing that I don’t notice my stress when I’m excited. Might have a little cough, but everything else is manageable because I’m focused on something positive. Even searching for TA jobs and working on a cover letter was enjoyable. Still, there might be another reason that my stress tends to rise up from time to time.
With the certification requirements met and only job hunting to do, one would think I have time to write. At the very least, I should be able to edit Derailing Bedlam, which will start up on my blog in November. You’d be right in this assumption . . . Yet, I can’t muster the imagination or mojo. Ever since certain things happened in my life that only a handful of followers have been told in private, I can’t write. Anxiety sets in and my focus vanishes if I edit. My characters’ voices aren’t coming through if I try to write. It’s almost like a piece of my soul has been sloppily removed. There are traces of the urge, but I can’t get my brain to settle into the old patterns. It feels way worse than writer’s block because this is spanning all of my ideas.
Pretty sure this is where people will start leaving comments of support, but I have to admit those cause a little bit of pain. Part of it is because I’m still being told by those who caused this crumbling that they still support me. (Don’t worry. I don’t think they read this blog, so there won’t be any drama below.) In fact, I even get yelled at when I bring up this issue. I’m lectured about how nobody wanted me to quit, which means my hand was forced without a clear idea of what it would do to me. Don’t get me wrong. I want to go into teaching to some extent like I was planning before my son was born and I had to move back to New York. Heck, I tried to get a Masters right after I graduated from college, but my GPA was .04 points shy of the cut off and I was only an English Writing Arts major. I’m saying that I will enjoy and thrive in a school. Maybe it will soften the blow of my lost mojo, which I’m terrified will never come back.
You see, I’ve never had a point in my life when it was this hard to get into the mental mindset. There were periods where I didn’t have the time, so I jotted down notes and outlines in notebooks. That was different because the creativity was still there and easily accessible. Now, it’s either buried or missing. For someone who has been writing like a man possessed for so long, it’s very disorienting. This is where the pain from well wishes comes from too. To me, they sometimes feel like people are saying stuff at a funeral for part of me. Is that dark and dramatic? Yes, but that’s the best I could come up with.
Anyway, this is becoming too much of a sad rant. I’m going to try to edit Derailing Bedlam if I have time to see if I can jog the senses. I have War of Nytefall: Rivalry too, so editing might help me out for a bit. Though, there are some aspects of that second one that hit too close to home. So, let’s get to the goals:
- Follow up on jobs.
- Submit to any new jobs that turn up.
- Study for the Clerk-Laborer exam. Yeah, I would rather be a TA, but I paid for the test and might as well try to ace it. It’s all about pride now.
- Continue reading ‘Bleach’ (manga) and watching some ‘Blue Exorcist’.
- If energy and mojo are mustered: Edit Derailing Bedlam
- If not mustered: Schedule December posts . . . Wait . . . I forgot something . . . OH!
Monday starts the finale of my ‘Raven Series’. It’s Raven’s Wrath and will last the entire month with each post going live at midnight. Join me and see what kind of send of Dawn Addison will get.
Also, it’s never too late to submit a guest post.