Paprika’s Poison Provider: No Residue Guaranteed

D&D Plague Doctor

Welcome to our little hole in the wall and here is your complimentary antidote. What does it go to? Well, that’s something you have to figure out on your own. We don’t bother labeling the extras or returns, so enjoy the suspense.  Don’t complain because we aren’t in the business of curing things. We have toxins, poisons, man-made diseases, peanuts, venom, and radioactive substances.  Only one thing on that list requires a waiver for handling and disposal. Now, what are you looking for?

Well, we have packages that range from a single product to a new flavor for every day of the week.  Due to various international laws, we aren’t allowed to sell you more than seven.  The only way to get around this is through fake identities or coming back a year later for more.  I recommend the second option because we have a very serious bouncer and accountant.  They’re the same creature, which is a two-headed dragon that also provides us with our top of the line flesh-eating gas.  Okay, I’ll put that down for one of your choices.

If you’re getting a package, we recommend a good variety.  There are poisons that attack flesh, blood, specific organs, bones, nerves, and muscles.  Some are fast-acting and others take a few days to make sure you can’t be tracked.  By the way, we do request a DNA sample to add to your product.  This means any accidents that result in it being traced to source will only get you in trouble.  Really? We sell poisons and you expect us to be willing to take a hit for our clients?  Now, we can develop a toxin that imitates any disease of your choice.  The common cold isn’t a very popular one, but we can do it.  I’d recommend combining it with something lethal unless the plain is to incapacitate, which we don’t get a lot of these days.

You can pick the other types later . . . Okay, a fiery poison will be discussed later.  I want to talk about delivery system.  Some products can’t be used in all forms, so we need to narrow things down this way.  Needles and grenades are the most common, but you may be interested in the gauntlet.  This is a little on the heavy side, but it has a compartment for each of your chosen toxins.  It fires darts that come out bathed in whatever you have in the main chamber.  We provide a 24-hour customer service call center with no extra charge as well as a quarterly maintenance check.  There’s a weekend class to help you learn how to use it as well.  Okay, it was worth a shot.  Test tubes are the cheapest transport and delivery system.

It looks like you need some extra time to go over the catalog.  Please sit over here . . . Wait . . . Okay, this chair is clean.  If someone comes around asking if you want something to drink then call me over.  You never know when one of our scientists is wandering around looking for a test subject.  The muffins are safe.  Nobody here is evil enough to poison pastries.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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26 Responses to Paprika’s Poison Provider: No Residue Guaranteed

  1. L. Marie says:

    Great post! I definitely want one of the dragons. What do you have in the way of concealed poisons? Like in a ring or a locket or something?


    • It sounds like you’re looking at the delivery system instead of the actual poisons, which we have an entire floor dedicated too. It really depends on the type too. Jewelry is common, but you need to be carefully since you can scratch yourself on them. Canes are popular because there’s less chance of hitting yourself and they’re big enough to remain hidden until you hit a button. We can try to work with anything you want as well. If there’s a specific item that you want outfitted then you can bring it in and we’ll see what we can do.

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Marie says:

        Ah. Very good point. I have a habit of putting the cart before the horse. Do you grow your own poisonous plants? Perhaps that’s a question for customer service.


      • Depends on the licenses. Some we buy and others we get from afar. Another factor is environment because not every natural poison can be nurtured in the same area. We do try though, but you can’t have 100% inclusion here.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Erm, okay… this is embarrassing but… when I walked into the store and that young man over there asked me, “what’s your poison” before coming back with my wine, just how literal was he being?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. So if my friend just had a McPufferfish for lunch, can you suggest an antidote? You know, for a friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Outstanding store, Charles. I’m not sure I trust the muffin either. LOL


  5. It sounds like I’ve come to the right place. I need three poisons, the first needs to be able to put someone in a coma for roughly a week, the second needs to cause the victim Wild hallucinations involving pandas and corn dogs, the third just needs to make me sick enough to throw off suspension. Hmm? Yes, I guess I should have a fast acting poison just in case, got anything like hemlock or cyanide?
    I’m not too choosy about the delivery method, but I’ve always been partial to biting insects. If that’s not doable, I think muffins would work, or better yet, cupcakes.


    • Pastries are fun and tasty, but you have to make sure not to eat them yourself. Biting insects . . . Contrary to fiction, you can’t really train bugs to do your bidding. Poisonous mosquitoes are just as likely to bite you as your enemies.

      We have the classics, which are typically on sale. Now, your first poison sounds more like it would require dosage if you want to get a specific time. We can’t promise specific hallucinations either, but you can just roll the dice with a powerful one. If the target is already in a coma then edibles won’t work as much as a dart. The last one is trickier, but is another that works off dosage. It could also just be easier to contract a regular disease that isn’t lethal. Cheaper too.

      Liked by 1 person

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