Welcome to our little hole in the wall and here is your complimentary antidote. What does it go to? Well, that’s something you have to figure out on your own. We don’t bother labeling the extras or returns, so enjoy the suspense. Don’t complain because we aren’t in the business of curing things. We have toxins, poisons, man-made diseases, peanuts, venom, and radioactive substances. Only one thing on that list requires a waiver for handling and disposal. Now, what are you looking for?
Well, we have packages that range from a single product to a new flavor for every day of the week. Due to various international laws, we aren’t allowed to sell you more than seven. The only way to get around this is through fake identities or coming back a year later for more. I recommend the second option because we have a very serious bouncer and accountant. They’re the same creature, which is a two-headed dragon that also provides us with our top of the line flesh-eating gas. Okay, I’ll put that down for one of your choices.
If you’re getting a package, we recommend a good variety. There are poisons that attack flesh, blood, specific organs, bones, nerves, and muscles. Some are fast-acting and others take a few days to make sure you can’t be tracked. By the way, we do request a DNA sample to add to your product. This means any accidents that result in it being traced to source will only get you in trouble. Really? We sell poisons and you expect us to be willing to take a hit for our clients? Now, we can develop a toxin that imitates any disease of your choice. The common cold isn’t a very popular one, but we can do it. I’d recommend combining it with something lethal unless the plain is to incapacitate, which we don’t get a lot of these days.
You can pick the other types later . . . Okay, a fiery poison will be discussed later. I want to talk about delivery system. Some products can’t be used in all forms, so we need to narrow things down this way. Needles and grenades are the most common, but you may be interested in the gauntlet. This is a little on the heavy side, but it has a compartment for each of your chosen toxins. It fires darts that come out bathed in whatever you have in the main chamber. We provide a 24-hour customer service call center with no extra charge as well as a quarterly maintenance check. There’s a weekend class to help you learn how to use it as well. Okay, it was worth a shot. Test tubes are the cheapest transport and delivery system.
It looks like you need some extra time to go over the catalog. Please sit over here . . . Wait . . . Okay, this chair is clean. If someone comes around asking if you want something to drink then call me over. You never know when one of our scientists is wandering around looking for a test subject. The muffins are safe. Nobody here is evil enough to poison pastries.