Carla’s Catering: Non-Human Customers Only

Godzilla vs King Kong

Welcome and don’t mind the mess.  We just finished getting an order out for a goblin prom, so there are plucked feathers everywhere.  Chickens?  No, it was all ratites like ostrichs, emus, and one really psychotic kiwi.  You don’t want to know what those will do when they get angry and have been fed nothing but magic potions since it was hatched.  I do apologize if that sounds enticing since we’re all out of that.  Still, we have plenty of stock.  What’s your event?

A monster prom is always a challenge since you have a large variety.  Well, the first question I have is if guests are going to be eating each other.  If that’s allowed then I won’t overestimate the amounts we need to prepare.  Along that line of thinking, we have a strict ‘no eating the help’ rule, which results in extreme punishments.  Basically, the monster who does the eating is put on our menu along with the host that hired us in the first place.  All attempts to get out of this waiver will be met with failure and the catering company’s owner will have to step in.  Do you happen to remember Atlantis?  Yes, that’s what happens if you push us too far.  Now, let’s make the menu.

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way.  All fruits and vegetables platters are prepared an hour prior to the event.  We will bring our preserved produce to the venue and cut everything up in our catering truck.  Everything is grown in our jungle garden out back, so here is an in-depth list.  As you can see, it’s thirty pages long and you can talk to our gardener to help with the details.  These are always charged by the platter, which can cover ten to twenty guests depending on how many bother with such things.  We also have a special service in regards to our carnivorous dishes.  None of them are big enough to devour anything the size of a goblin or larger, so we can have them placed live in the dining area.  The kids might enjoy a little wrestling for their meal.  This is primarily a dessert service because clothing will probably be ripped.

We can provide an appetizer bar for the first hour of the event, which I know is usually called a cocktail hour.  Due to a misunderstanding, we’re not legally allowed to use the term in our services.  I recommend minimizing the amount of cheese dishes.  Monsters don’t always remember that they have issues with dairy and I’m sure you have some fiery creatures as students.  This is entirely your call, but our experience is that such a combination can end a party quickly.  Shellfish is . . . You don’t have any golems, do you?  Okay then shellfish should be fine and we have everything from shrimp to crab legs to kraken fritters.  Also, one of our top chefs makes a delicious fried human fingers, which are seasoned to imitate mozzarella sticks.  Of course many of our opening and ending dishes are human-made.  They may be delicious themselves, but they know how to open and close a grand meal.  I guess I could flip to the end and check off all the desserts to save us some time.

For a prom, we like to give the students a choice of four entrees that can come with fries, a salad, or steamed sugar roots sprinkled with Patprika.  It’s like paprika, but it’s the ground up organs of people named Pat.  Now, one would traditionally do a meat, poultry, fish, and pasta dish as the choices.  No need for a vegetarian one since these are monsters and those types would have had their fill at the salad stage.  For meat, we have everything ranging from naked mole rat kebabs to blue whale steaks.  Of course, whale isn’t going to be considered a fish since it’s a mammal.  Thought you ran a school.  Yes, we do have the ingredients for a predator stew, which includes lion, tiger, wolf, grizzly bear, and crocodile.  I recommend adding some rattlesnake in there for a kick.  Poultry is the same wide selection, but I will remind you that we’re out of ratite.  Stuffed puffin is a good choice and they come with olives and pickles.  What is it stuffed with?  I assume we can use minced macaw for that.  Fish is . . . swordfish flambe is it then.  You picked that out rather quickly.  Let’s move on to the pasta dish.  Do you want pasta?  Okay then we’ll provide whatever we feel like because it’s rare that a monster will go for a carbs only dish.

I think that covers everything except drinks.  These monsters are underage, so nothing alcoholic even though we have the licenses.  Sodas, water, and teas can be provided as well as coffee later on.  Juices are possible, but we’ll do the same thing we do with the fruit to make sure they’re fresh.  I see you’ve noticed the fountain option.  Pick one of our types of virgin punches to be cycled through the device and guests can drink at their leisure.  Why is it called a virgin punch?  Because we don’t put alcohol in it . . . and some of them do have the blood of virgins.  The best one we have with that ingredient is mixed with a grape soda, which sounds disgusting, but is quite tasty.  I assure you all of our blood sources who claim to be virgins truly are that.  We have them on the honor system as well as wearing permanent rings that will make them violently ill if they try.  Nothing ruins the mood for humans like projectile vomiting.  Now, come this way for the sampler and see if there are any changes that you wish to make.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
This entry was posted in Olde Shoppe Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Carla’s Catering: Non-Human Customers Only

  1. How do you make your deviled eggs?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Call Carla for that Special Party 😱😎


  3. L. Marie says:

    Brilliant! Carla has thought of everything! So I assume that with this caterer, ladyfingers aren’t the usual dry sponge cake?


  4. Excellent, Charles.


  5. Lyn Horner says:

    OMG! What a party! You sure do offer a wide variety of, ahem, unusual choices.


  6. Wow… that was something else. Congratulations, I can’t come up with an order after that, you finally stumped me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s