Paul’s Pizza Platter Plateau: The Soda Machine Is Working Now


Welcome to the Pizza Platter Plateau.  Hope the climb wasn’t too rough since we’ve had a few bandit issues lately.  They only take enough for a large pie and that’s if they can’t dumpster dive.  We had a security guard, but I think he’s joined them after several promised him their crusts.  Yes, our pizza is that good because of how we cook them and what we put into the dough.  Anyway, let’s get you seated in this booth, set up our infamous Tower of Minor Toppings, and get you your platter.

Why a platter?  Well, we know people don’t always agree on toppings, so all of our pizzas can be divided down to the slice.  For example, you could want three slices of pepperoni while your wife wants one regular cheese and one with spinach.  Don’t look at me like that because we’re not pizza snobs here.  Every topping imaginable is here because every person has their own tastes.  We can even make part of the pie thin crust and the rest stuffed crust.  It’s all thanks to our patented cooking divider, which we aren’t legally allowed to bring out of the kitchen.  By the way, we have unlimited refills since we got the soda machine working again.  Had a problem with hedgehogs eating the supply lines that run down the mountain and into the soda springs.  Sure, I guess we can give you water from the tap.

Now, you’re a group of four, so I assume you want one large pie and maybe an appetizer or two.  We have garlic knots that range from popcorn-sized to championship boxer fist.  The latter is sold individually while the former is by the pound.  Kissing later, so no garlic on food.  I’ll mark off our more pungent cheeses too.  We have plenty of vegetable options for the first course too.  Salads, caramelized sprouts, cucumber throwing stars, carrot straws over potatoes, and others that you’ll find on the back of the menu. If I may, I’d recommend the mozzarella sticks with the dipping station.  You each get three modest sticks and can take them up to that bar where you put your tongue on the self-cleaning scanner.  It designs the taste that you will enjoy the most and you can even bring a jar of it home if you like.  If the system is wrong, we don’t charge you for the appetizer, but know that lying is met by working here for a month.

Let’s get to the main course, which is the pizza.  Everyone wants four slices, so that’s two large pies.  Cheese only regular crust for this young man who I’m guessing voted for a different restaurant.  Yes, we can make two all meat topping slices and two vegetarian delight slices.  I assume you’re trying to balance out the guilt, but it wouldn’t be the first or last time someone has done that.  Olive stuffed crust is an option, but it will take a few extra minutes to make it fresh. We have a penne with vodka sauce slice and a rum-soaked pulled pork slice for the other young lady.  All with twisted crust and . . . It’s okay to have the other two as regular cheese.  What will you have, sir?  Razor thin crust with the works,  pretzel crust with nacho cheese and tortilla strips, burned crust with pineapple, poi, and wild boar, and finally an egg roll crust with extra shrimp lo mien.  Trying to trip us up, but it won’t work.

Now, I’ll put this in and your food should be ready in about twenty minutes.  What is that about fairies?  No, we don’t grind magical creatures into our dough in order to create an addictive taste.  That would be almost as unethical as running a restaurant without a soda machine.  I assure you that you didn’t see a dragon in the kitchen.  Our ovens are simply shaped that way and your mind made you think it was breathing.  It’s a fairly common mistake since it’s a long climb and the air is kind of thin up here.  Enjoy your drinks and the music and . . . No, I didn’t hear any roaring.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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30 Responses to Paul’s Pizza Platter Plateau: The Soda Machine Is Working Now

  1. Now I want pizza. I have visions of a magic user who tosses dough in the air to come down and trap his enemies.


  2. L. Marie says:

    Hilarious post! 😀
    I hope the pizza I ordered from this restaurant DOES contain pixie dust. I would love to be able to fly! But I understand, based on the disclaimer on the menu, that results are not guaranteed.


  3. An extremely Large Pizza Pizzazz Platter Please and be generous with the anchovies and jalapeños (my dragon LOVES the mix) 👍😄


  4. This sounds really awesome, Charles. I quite like the idea of dragon baked pizza.


  5. I’ll take a cookie crust with ice cream, fudge sauce and jelly beans… you do serve dessert pizzas right, or is that only your other location in the desert?
    For a main course pizza, I’ll have sausage, pepperoni and green bell peppers with onions and mushrooms. What kind of root beer do you have? No, not for on the pizza! I want root beer to drink.
    (WordPress is at it again… I can’t like your posts)


    • We do have dessert pizzas, but you need to give us an hour. The store gets very hot, so we have to make them quickly. Keeping them on hand is an issue, especially since they don’t sell very often.

      We have regular, diet, vanilla, alcoholic, iffy, frozen, cherry, chocolate, and unleaded root beer. For an extra fee, you can have it in an icy mug.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mmmm chocolate root beer! What does iffy taste like? How much for one of each, except for diet, all in icy mugs?
        I’ll happily drink root beer while I wait for the dessert pizzas… you don’t have peep-zza, do you?


      • Peep-zza was banned internationally after Tommy of Anchorage abused its power. All the root beers in icy mugs is about $50 or a quarter of a third born. Iffy root beer tastes a little off. Not bad, but you’ll think something’s kinda strange.

        Liked by 1 person

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