7 Tips for Vampire Survival: Flossing Is a Given

Selene from Underworld

Vampire society sure has a lot of rules and a lot of those tend to revolve around obeying the older ones.  They usually result in destruction if broken too, which doesn’t really help if you’re trying to survive the daily grind.  Knowing which knee to bow on when the royal heir to the throne of some place you’ve never been to won’t protect you from hunters.  By the way, it’s the right in the Northern Hemisphere and the left in the Southern, which is why so many vampires get killed on the equator.  Anyway, lets go over a list of practical rules to keep your head on your shoulders.

  1. For the love of Vlad, don’t perch on rooftops at night.  There’s no reason for this because most of the food is at street level.  Attacking someone on their balcony or in their apartment is possible, but it’s a lot of work.  Not to mention, you kind of stand out among the gargoyles even if you’re all in black.  Best case scenario is that someone mistakes you for one of the many superheroes.  Worst case scenario, you’re running from the cops who think you’re a pervert.
  2. Clean up after yourself.  If you’re a vampire who has to kill when they eat then hide the body.  Try to scatter them around the city or possibly burn them.  If you leave too many around then you’ll out the entire species.  For those that can eat without killing, do something to make the victim not remember what happened.  Barring mental powers, you can pretend to be a mugger and knock them out before biting.  Once they’re aware of fangs in the neck, they’re going to know what’s going on.  Unless you’re a vampire in a world that has no movies, shows, books, games, and underground cultures revolving around your people.
  3. Stop trying to pretend you’re a goth.  That’s not the same as a vampire and you’re making both groups look ridiculous.  Especially since it means you’re a hundred-year-old hanging around high schools and malls.  That’s a level of creepiness that will get you investigated.
  4. If you do find yourself facing a vampire hunter, don’t run slavering at them or make a villainous speech.  Their job is to destroy you and they’ve been training for it.  These people aren’t uncoordinated snack boxes like you find on the street.  They’ve studied your habits and weaknesses, which means you’re the underdog here.  Might be smarter to run and think of a plan.  Run in a pack, track the hunter until you see an opening, leave town, or protect yourself.
  5. You know you’re own weakness, so work to reduce them.  Wear a chainmail vest or a harness that holds metal plates over your heart to avoid staking.  Carry a hooded jacket around to give you some cover from the sun.  Collars with metal studs can make decapitations more difficult.  Claim to be an atheist, so holy symbols and water hold no power over you.  Preparation and caution is key to a long life.
  6. Get yourself tested at least once a month.  You’re eaten from total strangers with no knowledge of their previous experiences.  Last thing you want is to get sick and pass it on to a mortal that you actually like.  Where would you go?  There has to a vampirized doctor out there somewhere.  If not then make one.
  7. Don’t join a cult of vampires who wish to conquer the world.  These groups never succeed and bring nothing, but trouble.  Just give them a wide berth and let them attract all the hunters in the area.  If they’re wiped out then it will give the illusion of all vampires disappearing, so you can remain in relative peace.  If they do pull off the impossible and conquer the world then it doesn’t make a difference to you.  You’re a vampire like they are, so you’ll continue doing what you’re doing.  They aren’t going to suddenly turn on their own . . . Might still want to remember #5.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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26 Responses to 7 Tips for Vampire Survival: Flossing Is a Given

  1. L. Marie says:

    Great tips, particularly the one about avoiding perching on a roof and wearing chainmail. And everyone needs to avoid monologuing. 😀

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  2. noelleg44 says:

    Loved these, Charles. Only you think of flossing!

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  3. Reblogged this on Claire Plaisted – Indie Author and commented:
    Vampire Info…will i ever write a vampire book…hummm

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  4. I was chuckling until I reached number six. I then did a full out loud guffaw. Terrific, Charles.

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  5. I’m not sure about chain mail, from what I understand, most chain mail protects against slashing attacks, but is vulnerable to jabs, so it might not help much against being staked, but it would all depend on how sharp the stake was I guess.
    Great post, I really enjoy your lists.

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  6. Brilliant Charles. You provided good ideas in a very humorous way.

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  7. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out this post from the Legends of Windemere blog with 7 tips for vampire survival

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  8. This was fun. I can’t help feeling sorry for the doctor that a vampire decided to turn. From Hippocratic Oath to Undead Specialist? I guess there’s a reason why most vampire minions go mad…

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  9. “…which is why so many vampires get killed on the equator” Brilliant 😀

    #7 is a great point. Works for everything, from religion to politics, too.

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  10. Chuck says:

    I always wondered where Lastat hid his bodies. He was centuries years old. He should read your post. 🤭

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    • Now I’m really wondering what they did in that series. Seems like people gloss over this issue unless it’s time for the vampire to get caught. Centuries of never leaving a trace and then one slip up for story purposes.

      Liked by 1 person

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