LOTR and Monty Python
Come in out of the cold and lets talk business. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be warm, but the weather is acting up. If it puts you at ease, several of my previous customers are trying to fix that. Not sure how the one with five types of magical axes plans on doing anything useful, but I’m not the judging type. As long as the check clears or the gold coins are real, I don’t care what you do. So, what kind of quest are you looking for?
Been a long time since I sold a classic dungeon crawl. They aren’t very popular as far as quests go since they’re straightforward. Keep in mind that the monsters, traps, and loot are done through my sister’s company. You get a discount though. All we do here is come up with the reason for your quest and other details. People think it’s easy to forge these things, but it’s a lot of slow and steady work. Let’s get started with the reason for going into the dungeon.
Missing family member is a good choice and we have a sale on siblings. Give yourself a brother or sister who disappeared into the dungeon. Maybe they were the favored child and you were always in their shadow. Rescuing them is a way to prove yourself and create your own identity. True, it could also be a way to show them up and make your parents consider that you’re the favored child. I get the sense that you have some issues going into this project. If you have the money, I can give you multiple siblings and you can write down a bigger history. Look, you don’t ask how I’ll make this a reality and I won’t ask why you’re licking your lips.
You might think we’re done now, but we need to pick the amount of stages and the scope of the quest. It sounds like you want this to be on a personal level instead of the global scale that most adventurers want. That means we can make things smaller in terms of ups and downs. If this was a quest that would change the world then you would need it more like an adult roller coaster than one for youngsters. You know, maybe a loop and some leaning turns, but nothing that will make you vomit. Given that you’re using a dungeon, this can be done more through monsters and traps. We can discuss the amount of levels to make those purchases easier.
You want nine levels and they have to be circular . . . Okay. I think we know where we’re going here. I’m just going to put you down for a Dante Special. That should cover most of what you want and we’ll alter what’s needed. No, I’m not disappointed in you making my job easier. Just wanted a challenge since people always take the easy way out when making a quest. Save the princess, face Hell, save the world, blah blah blah. Yes, that line in the contract does say you’ll give me whiskey. Don’t question my methods, kid.
Legends of Windemere 
Brilliant. Haven’t played AD&D for years but have very fond memories. The meme is so accurate. And Players Handbook version 3.1 was the best, I don’t care what anyone says. So there.
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I didn’t start running games until 3rd Edition, so that handbook version is the one I know best. Yet, I still laugh when people struggle with the concept of Thac0. May it rest in peace.
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We were still using Thac0 up until I last played, but you know what it’s like – when a group has been playing together for awhile you kind of have your own set of rules. Ah, I miss those days when I was a dwarf rogue.
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Never got to see a dwarf rogue in action. I tended to jump around character types to see what was going on. None of the games I was in after high school lasted longer a year or two. That was always a shame.
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I used to play D & D somewhere in the last century. In one of my trunk novels I referred to a magical book written by the wizard Gygax. It was a steampunk story set in a world that was destroyed but rebuilding.
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Interesting concept. So they rebuild the world until it fell apart?
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My writing was pretty poor, so it’s locked away forever. A disease wiped out everything. Infrastructure failed globally. They rebuilt starting tribally, and moved into monarchy. The story is set in a time of steam engines. The old D & D book was recovered and taken as representative of the world that was lost.
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I could see that happening. The world collapses, somebody finds a copy of Harry Potter, and that’s what they think is history. Guess it could always be worse.
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The monster manual makes a great nature book.
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I can see a Tarasque cult coming out of that.
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Um. Would you have one of those Don Quixote Quest kits in stock? I’m not supposed to play with sharp things and I have to be home before dark.
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It’s in the back, but you have to supply your own windmill.
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Ha ha ha. Thanks for the laugh.
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Free of charge too. 😀 Seriously though, we get in a lot of trouble if we supply the windmills. The whole renewable energy source thing has them listed as an endangered species.
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I totally understand. Part of the quest is to find one and joust with it. I’ll be fine.
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I’d like to purchase an adventure where I have to search for my sister (since I’m an only child that would be a feat in itself) who somehow turns out to be a princess’s handmaiden and is being held by an evil being, say a mad wizard or something who holds the fate of the world in a bottle of whiskey.
Oh, can I get two years financing with no interest too?
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Very specific and most of that is in stock. We work with a bank that gives out decent loans. They’re easy to pay off since all quests have ways to find or earn money along the way. My nephew is in charge of putting coins and gems on wild beasts. You didn’t think those things carried money on purpose, did you?
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They don’t? I thought they were magical beasts that were traders! The giant spiders do hoard rubies though, don’t they?
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Only the ones that can talk. Not sure why they like rubies though.
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Reblogged this on Kate McClelland and commented:
Hahahaha
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Thanks for the reblog.
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I guess the more religious quests, like Holy Grails and stuff, have gone out of style?
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Not as big a call for those unless your name is Junior Jones or Arthur Pendragon. Probably come back into style at some point, so best to keep some in stock.
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