Ye Olde Super Henchman Shoppe

James Bond Henchmen

James Bond Henchmen

Welcome to my store.  So, are you here to recruit or upgrade someone?  Sorry, I have to ask even if you have a minion behind him.  Never know if he’s a bodyguard, chauffeur, or a snack.  Well, put this young man on the table and we’ll make him into your new top agent.  Mind if I ask what happened to your last one?  That’s a shame.  If you managed to keep even a tenth of the body then I could have given you a discounted DNA grafting to this one.

So, what were you thinking with this one?  I have a surplus in magical stones, which might not mix with your tech focus.  That is unless, and hear me out on this, you want to go with Magic-Tech.  It’s one of the latest crazes among young villains because it gives them some of both worlds.  The way it works is that we use the stones as power sources for whatever robotics you put in your new henchman.  Judging by the health and age of this one, you could get away with three stones before the risk of insanity or spontaneous combustion is too much.  You’ll try one?  Okay, we’ll choose that at the end.

Now this is supposed to be imposing figure, which means I’ll put some robotic extensions into the body.  Thinking of adding two feet of height and enhance the muscles so that he can lift a tank.  Very standard along with the usual damage resistant skin and a support pump on the lungs to handle the stress.  Hate to ask this, but did you have anybody bigger to use?  Well it is a tough economy and I can see how recruitment is difficult when you have that corporation convincing everyone to be an indie villain.  You know most of those idiots get themselves killed in the first year or even go hero, which gets them dropped from the program.  Yes, it isn’t a volcano.  I take it you read the fine print of the contract online too.

Let’s get to the fun stuff of weaponry.  I have blades, lasers, explosives, guns, rocket fists, psychic implants, and all the toys you can dream of.  Of course the jet pack and control thrusters are on the list since your enemy can fly.  So that’s a blade on one arm, chest lasers, knee spikes, and a regenerative missile system in the thighs.  That was easy and now we . . . I don’t know about that page.  It’s entirely experimental and it would be wrong to test it without the proper paperwork.

Oh, you have a pen and no concern for this man’s safety?  Excellent.  This is the energy reflection system that is supposed to send all projectiles back at an enemy.  Bullets lose enough power to harmlessly bounce off the reinforced skin.  There is even a side-effect of some energy being absorbed and increasing one’s strength.  I can connect that magic stone to this too, which would give it a little elemental oomph upon its return.  I’m fairly certain that won’t cause any issues.  Though I should warn you that there is a small chance the system will tear a hole in the space time continuum.  Not sure what that means either, but the scientist who made it says such a thing is bad.  I said the same thing to him.  Bad is my business.  Please sign here.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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24 Responses to Ye Olde Super Henchman Shoppe

  1. Lol – excellent 😀

    “…that corporation convincing everyone to be an indie villain.” As opposed to traditional ones, obviously.

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  2. I’m with Nicholas. I picked right up on that line. I love these Olde Shoppe posts, and this fits right into your henchman theme this week. It’s all been great. Your new henchman better read the manual about recoil before he touches some of this stuff off. He might break his bosses ninja turtle collection.

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  3. Do you offer a warranty with that energy reflection system? The only way to know it works is to test it and if the test deosn’t work do you offer money back (or a discounted burial)

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  4. 😀 😀 😀
    You are all having waayy too much fun! This is so kooool.

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  5. Don’t forget, if you take out the voice box it will make room for an onboard oxygen generator so your henchperson can operate under water or in a vacuum. Skin treatments to prevent explosive decompression will cost extra.

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    • We should probably design an oxygen generator that gets installed onto the lungs. Voiceless henchmen make terrible scouts and guards. They see danger, flail wildly to warn everyone, and end up giving away their position. Hilarious every time, but it’s killing the budget.

      Liked by 1 person

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