7 Signs You’re an Author and Parent

Star Wars Meme

Star Wars Meme

First, I tried to find ‘Parenthood Memes’ and I got a lot of stuff that I don’t want to talk about here.  Just think about that first word and you might figure out the terrifying, unfunny stuff I found.  This is probably going to come more from the father’s side, so just a warning there.

  1. You are staring at your manuscript, which you printed out because you prefer to edit by hand.  Something is wrong with it even though the printer worked and you haven’t even started.  Crayon!  That’s right.  This one doesn’t have crayon all over it with the phrase ‘I help’ scrawled at the bottom.
  2. You yell at your characters for messing up a scene and threaten to turn this story around if they don’t behave.  The villain is now in the corner to think about what he did and the love story has fallen apart because of a cooties outbreak.  Also, you keep calling everyone the name of your kid who still doesn’t react.
  3. You can’t tell if you’re losing sleep over writing or the kid refusing to go to sleep.  All you know is that falling asleep at 10 PM is a great idea, but is less likely to happen than you being given a contract by Random House.  Sad thing is that you know you’ll be up at 6 AM whether you like it or not.
  4. Your mastery of swear words has been greatly reduced.  Every character goes to the potty and the most common insult is ‘meanie’.  The villain must routinely stop his speeches to apologize for being too scary.  Also the dwarf now lives in poverty because the hero implemented a swear jar and somebody couldn’t clean up his act.
  5. You run into several odd mistakes.  Most of these are words that appear in the middle of sentences or your child’s name randomly on a line.  Worst part is that this is the tenth editing run and these things keep he wanted waffles coming up.  Almost like you keep fixing things fine give him pizza and distractions still turn up to make new mistakes.
  6. You really want to put kids into your story, but it’s more because you want certain characters to suffer.  Living a carefree life of an adventurer or have the time to be a successful villain?  Let’s see you two get the job done with a toddler screaming about the popcorn being the wrong color.  There’s no such thing as the wrong kind of white and it all tastes the same!
  7. Your work area is set up with a smaller work area next to it.  This comes complete with pens, pencils, empty stapler, sippy cup, Spongebob keyboard because toy laptops are expensive, pile of papers, crayons, and a bowl of animal crackers.  Then a few minutes after you start working, you somehow end up having to use the small desk because the kid noticed your chair has wheels.  He has a helmet on and there’s nothing breakable in the hallway.  At least he’s occupied.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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41 Responses to 7 Signs You’re an Author and Parent

  1. L. Marie says:

    These are all hilarious! I laughed out loud!
    I remember my younger brother, who has two kids, asking me, “Do you need to use the potty?” when we were about to head to the car. I told him I was more than capable of using the potty on my own. But I would let him know if I did. We laughed about that!


  2. Bookwraiths says:

    The other day I was at lunch with a group of work associates in their late twenties to mid thirties. None of them have kids. They began talking about films, specifically foreign films they had enjoyed recently. When they asked me what my favorite foreign film was, my reply was “Kung Fu Panda 3.” Needless to say, I outed myself as a dad. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve got a kid on the way (my first, and due in just a 2 weeks from today), and I’ve been wondering how it’ll effect my writing.


    • It’s a trick at first because it depends entirely on the kid’s temperament. A child that naps easily and isn’t fussy will allow you to write a bit more than one that is determined to shatter glass with their screams. Those are the extremes though. You’ll have good days and bad. One thing I did was keep notes of any ideas that came to me and used those to help me keep some momentum.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. sknicholls says:

    Nothing changes as they grow older. My thirty-five -year old daughter visited with her three kids recently. It was multiplied by four.


  5. These are so true. I don’t think I’d be able to get much done at all. It still happens when they’re in their twenties.


  6. Rachel says:

    This is funny! I don’t have kids, but I babysit for a few families plus have my preschoolers at work… I can only imagine!


  7. LOL funny. I don’t think I could do what you do. Naw! I know I couldn’t do what you do. Excellent post.


  8. Oloriel says:

    Number 4 is hilarious, poor Mr. Dwarf.
    To add my own, that coincides with the first comment, I remember one time I told my dad to shut the door, and when he did, I baby-toned a high-pitched “Bravo!” to him. He just gave me a weird look 🙂


  9. These are hilarious – and oh so true!


  10. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    This is a great post that resonates with me. My 8 year old seems inspired to write books as well. We were working on her cookbook last night. Inspiring her makes it worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Patience, Charles. They do grow up.


  12. I’m slowly catching up with your blog, since the wee one’s asleep in my arms and I only get to use the one hand. That’s also why I can’t get any work done. Need I say more?


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