This post originally went live on October 7th, 2013.
My friend, John W. Howell, is a funny man and made a post today about what not to do when on a movie date. I got to thinking about my movie pet peeves. So, upon request, I’m going to make a silly list:
- The cellphone! I can handle vibration mode because for all I know the person is really, really lonely. Who am I to judge? Just turn the brightness down, buddy. It’s a strange annoyance, but noticing a glowing fucking light to the side while watching the movie is distracting. Besides, if you’re going to play Angry Birds instead of watch the movie, have some fucking skill in it.
- Kicking of my seat. Funny thing is that I can take it from kids as long as the parent tries to stop them. Not parental move then I get annoyed and will glance back with a ‘I will dump popcorn on your spawn’ look. It’s when a fully grown adult does this that I have no patience. I could be mature and ask them to stop. I could also be a jerk and moan erotically with every kick. Add in a ‘hit me harder, daddy’ and we’ll see how quickly that stops.
- Ever go walking to your seat and your foot suddenly feels cold? You look back a few chairs and find your shoe is stuck to the floor. People do realize theaters have cup holders now, right? No reason for a soda to be on the floor.
- Whispering questions to your friend during the movie. It can wait until the ride home or the credits. If you’re so confused then maybe you should have paid more attention to the movie. Also, do people assume everyone has seen the movie without them? I have no idea why something happened on the screen during my first viewing. If you’re that concerned then read spoilers beforehand.
- People that are on another viewing of the movie and talk. This movie must be great for you to see it again. Happy you’re a fan. Not happy that you keep yelling ‘this is going to be great!’ or ‘wait for it!’. If I could find you in this dark theater, I would beat you with your milk duds.
- Bringing a child to a Rated-R movie. I’m not talking a teenager, but a small child that can’t even get into a PG movie. It’s really disturbing to be watching a movie with gore and sex in the midst of a screaming toddler. I’m not sure what parental award you’re going for, but I hope it comes with a lifetime of free therapy. That 7-year-old had no fucking business seeing Jason butcher a bunch of teenagers. Although, your plan could be to make sure your child never goes to camp or has sex. If that is the case then congratulations, you’re still a fuckhead.
- “I paid for my ticket, so I can do what I want!” I love this argument if you ever confront a rude movie goer. I paid for my ticket too, but you don’t see me acting like a prick. Yet there is a point here. I paid for my ticket too, buddy. That means I can do what I want as well. So, I’ll give you a 5 minute window to set up an appointment with a skilled proctologist before I solve your cellphone addiction.