Cinematic Pet Peeves

My friend, John W. Howell, is a funny man and made a post today about what not to do when on a movie date.  I got to thinking about my movie pet peeves.  So, upon request, I’m going to make a silly list:

Waldorf and Statler

Waldorf and Statler

  1. The cellphone!  I can handle vibration mode because for all I know the person is really, really lonely.  Who am I to judge?  Just turn the brightness down, buddy.  It’s a strange annoyance, but noticing a glowing fucking light to the side while watching the movie is distracting.  Besides, if you’re going to play Angry Birds instead of watch the movie, have some fucking skill in it.
  2. Kicking of my seat.  Funny thing is that I can take it from kids as long as the parent tries to stop them.  Not parental move then I get annoyed and will glance back with a ‘I will dump popcorn on your spawn’ look.  It’s when a fully grown adult does this that I have no patience.  I could be mature and ask them to stop.  I could also be a jerk and moan erotically with every kick.  Add in a ‘hit me harder, daddy’ and we’ll see how quickly that stops.
  3. Ever go walking to your seat and your foot suddenly feels cold?  You look back a few chairs and find your shoe is stuck to the floor.  People do realize theaters have cup holders now, right?  No reason for a soda to be on the floor.
  4. Whispering questions to your friend during the movie.  It can wait until the ride home or the credits.  If you’re so confused then maybe you should have paid more attention to the movie.  Also, do people assume everyone has seen the movie without them?  I have no idea why something happened on the screen during my first viewing.  If you’re that concerned then read spoilers beforehand.
  5. People that are on another viewing of the movie and talk.  This movie must be great for you to see it again.  Happy you’re a fan.  Not happy that you keep yelling ‘this is going to be great!’ or ‘wait for it!’.  If I could find you in this dark theater, I would beat you with your milk duds.
  6. Bringing a child to a Rated-R movie.  I’m not talking a teenager, but a small child that can’t even get into a PG movie.  It’s really disturbing to be watching a movie with gore and sex in the midst of a screaming toddler.  I’m not sure what parental award you’re going for, but I hope it comes with a lifetime of free therapy.  That 7-year-old had no fucking business seeing Jason butcher a bunch of teenagers.  Although, your plan could be to make sure your child never goes to camp or has sex.  If that is the case then congratulations, you’re still a fuckhead.
  7. “I paid for my ticket, so I can do what I want!”  I love this argument if you ever confront a rude movie goer.  I paid for my ticket too, but you don’t see me acting like a prick.  Yet there is a point here.  I paid for my ticket too, buddy.  That means I can do what I want as well.  So, I’ll give you a 5 minute window to set up an appointment with a skilled proctologist before I solve your cellphone addiction.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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50 Responses to Cinematic Pet Peeves

  1. OUTSTANDING!!!!! You kicked this one between the uprights. So good, sooooo laugh out loud funny. 😀

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on Fiction Favorites and commented:
    Here is a version of pet movie peeves that was kicked off by the blog Ten Things Not to do in a Movie. Well done Charles.

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  3. Chatty Owl says:

    Kicking my seat – definitely a mood killer!

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  4. So how do you really feel?????

    Seriously, I’m with you on all of this though.

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  5. All valid complaints and very funny with the judicious use of the F-bomb. I love it.

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  6. twixie13 says:

    Excellently put! And, yeah, I’ve got the most experience with 2, 4, and 6 on here. With #6, this happened with both Watchmen and Kick-Ass when I saw them. And someone saw fit to bring their 8 year old. Just because it involves superheroes, it doesn’t mean you bring your frickin’ kid to it!

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    • I went to see ‘The Eagle’, which had violence. Not a good movie, but that’s besides the point. Some guy brought two boys who couldn’t be older than 3 and 5. They cried a lot. There were a few kids in the audience when I went to see a midnight showing of the new Friday the 13th too. I really wonder what the mentality behind this is.

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  7. 1WriteWay says:

    Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    A very funny post on movie pet peeves. Apparently a theme for this Monday 😉

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  8. annotating60 says:

    I stopped going to theatres a long time ago. I’m Redbox Me now.>KB

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    • I did Redbox once and it was a disaster. The one I rented from broke down the next day and nobody could tell me where the next closest one was. I was sent walking to one end of town and found out I had to go to the other. I use the library and premium channels these days.

      The theater has become a special event thing because it’s the only time my wife and I can get away from the toddler. Probably 4 times a year.

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  9. sknicholls says:

    LMAO…more reasons for me to avoid the theaters!

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  10. I sat in the second row of a debut once and there was one vacant seat directly in front of my date in the front row. (Gosh, was it really twenty years ago?) I joked that a really tall guy would walk in at the last second and take it. A few minutes after the movie started, it turned out that I was psychic. (So, naturally, I had to switch seats.) This was back in the days of flat, level movie theater seating. I’ll add to my list that the tallest guy on earth shouldn’t sit in the front row. 🙂

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    • I do not miss the days where tall people were a feared hazard. Especially those guys that sit in front of a child and don’t care whatsoever. I always tried for an aisle seat back in those days. Add in people with big hats to that list too.

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  11. Papi Z says:

    Good points Charles. I always find an evil cackle with a shrill “I’m going to slice your fucking throat!” stops most people from talking/kicking the seat/using the cellphone in a cinema. In fact, they usually move away from where I am sitting, which solves all of MY problems… 😀

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  12. cnmill says:

    I seriously said, “Oh my god,” on two. Yes, I’m sure the last sentence there would get people to stop that REALLY quick. It might possibly even get them to move seats entirely.

    I got the best laugh out of six, I think (last sentence). XD

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  13. Re; spoilers – I was queueing round the block with five hundred other Harry Potter fans to see HP6 when a groups of teenagers on the other side of the street yelled. ‘Dumbledore dies in this one! Ha ha ha.’ I think every last one of us just sighed. Did those kids think NONE of us had read the darn book first?

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  14. Jade Reyner says:

    Hilarious! Slightly disappointed that there was no reference to the occupiers of the ‘back row’.. maybe you don’t get those over there..:-)

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  15. darsword says:

    Some of the reasons I don’t go to theaters anymore. Throw the popcorn,Milkduds? Do you know how much that stuff costs? Anyway, reblogging. 🙂

    Like

  16. darsword says:

    Reblogged this on Darswords and commented:
    I only go to the the theater when there is scenery (Avatar, LotR, Mighty Joe Young, Harry Potter, and soon Gravity). Somehow, these lose something when watched on DVD for me. You?

    Like

  17. sabina khan says:

    So glad I’m not the only one that wants to get up in the middle of a movie and smack the people behind me who keep whispering, rather loudly. I used to fume silently on the insides, but nowadays I really cherish the little time I get to watch a movie and I refuse to sit by and let someone else ruin it for me. Unfortunately this has now created a situation where I am shushing some idiot or other at practically every movie. I also have one more pet peeve to add to your list: if you are a tall person, then try not to pick the seat in front of the very short people because then they cannot see anything. Of course sometimes that is unavoidable, but many people are just not aware of their surroundings.

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    • I’ve been going to matinees for years. Barely anyone there, so I forgot about the tall person issue. It’s really rude when it happens.

      I still have to deal with talkers during the movie. It’s my own fault for bringing the chatterbox with me, but the wife gets angry if I leave her behind.

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  18. mrsgillies says:

    Oh this list! Yes. I agree. Sometimes i get so annoyed in the cinema i just want to scream! I love going to see a movie but it can ruin it SO much if there are annoying people. When my husband and i saw Life of Pi there were two teenagers who talked the ENTIRE movie. Not whispered, talked. I seriously wanted to punch them in the face. It wasn’t even an action packed movie with lots of noise or a comedy with lots of laughs.

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    • That’s terrible. We had a guy talking during Peter Jackson’s King Kong. I think his girlfriend was whispering stuff to him and he was reacting at normal talking levels. I wonder if there are people in the projection booth these days. I remember way back when I was a kid that a movie would be paused to handle an annoying viewer. Nothing happens these days.

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  19. KokkieH says:

    #4 Not long ago my wife and I were watching a movie and the kid sitting behind us kept asking his mom questions about what’s happening (English isn’t the first language of most people here and kids are often unable to follow the dialogue) and his mother’s explanations was the biggest load of nonsense! It was almost more entertaining listening to her than watching the movie. Almost.

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    • Not sure if that’s better or worse than adults. I kind of give kids a pass now that I have one. Haven’t tested him on a theater yet because he’s too little and unable to sit through a movie. I’m wondering what kind of movie this woman took her kid too if she had to make ridiculous answers.

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  20. Pingback: Post Revisited: Cinematic Pet Peeves | Legends of Windemere

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