My friend, John W. Howell, is a funny man and made a post today about what not to do when on a movie date. I got to thinking about my movie pet peeves. So, upon request, I’m going to make a silly list:
Waldorf and Statler
- The cellphone! I can handle vibration mode because for all I know the person is really, really lonely. Who am I to judge? Just turn the brightness down, buddy. It’s a strange annoyance, but noticing a glowing fucking light to the side while watching the movie is distracting. Besides, if you’re going to play Angry Birds instead of watch the movie, have some fucking skill in it.
- Kicking of my seat. Funny thing is that I can take it from kids as long as the parent tries to stop them. Not parental move then I get annoyed and will glance back with a ‘I will dump popcorn on your spawn’ look. It’s when a fully grown adult does this that I have no patience. I could be mature and ask them to stop. I could also be a jerk and moan erotically with every kick. Add in a ‘hit me harder, daddy’ and we’ll see how quickly that stops.
- Ever go walking to your seat and your foot suddenly feels cold? You look back a few chairs and find your shoe is stuck to the floor. People do realize theaters have cup holders now, right? No reason for a soda to be on the floor.
- Whispering questions to your friend during the movie. It can wait until the ride home or the credits. If you’re so confused then maybe you should have paid more attention to the movie. Also, do people assume everyone has seen the movie without them? I have no idea why something happened on the screen during my first viewing. If you’re that concerned then read spoilers beforehand.
- People that are on another viewing of the movie and talk. This movie must be great for you to see it again. Happy you’re a fan. Not happy that you keep yelling ‘this is going to be great!’ or ‘wait for it!’. If I could find you in this dark theater, I would beat you with your milk duds.
- Bringing a child to a Rated-R movie. I’m not talking a teenager, but a small child that can’t even get into a PG movie. It’s really disturbing to be watching a movie with gore and sex in the midst of a screaming toddler. I’m not sure what parental award you’re going for, but I hope it comes with a lifetime of free therapy. That 7-year-old had no fucking business seeing Jason butcher a bunch of teenagers. Although, your plan could be to make sure your child never goes to camp or has sex. If that is the case then congratulations, you’re still a fuckhead.
- “I paid for my ticket, so I can do what I want!” I love this argument if you ever confront a rude movie goer. I paid for my ticket too, but you don’t see me acting like a prick. Yet there is a point here. I paid for my ticket too, buddy. That means I can do what I want as well. So, I’ll give you a 5 minute window to set up an appointment with a skilled proctologist before I solve your cellphone addiction.
OUTSTANDING!!!!! You kicked this one between the uprights. So good, sooooo laugh out loud funny. 😀
LikeLike
Thanks. I’m just glad I didn’t have to run into any of these today. Only issue was a guy that did a preemptive laugh thing. People should never laugh before the joke.
LikeLike
I like the fake sneeze of the kid with the word “bullshit” tucked in.
LikeLike
Always a beloved classic.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Fiction Favorites and commented:
Here is a version of pet movie peeves that was kicked off by the blog Ten Things Not to do in a Movie. Well done Charles.
LikeLike
Kicking my seat – definitely a mood killer!
LikeLike
Grounds for popcorn flinging.
LikeLike
If i ate them 🙂
LikeLike
Usually isn’t worth the cost of a small country.
LikeLike
So how do you really feel?????
Seriously, I’m with you on all of this though.
LikeLike
Feel a little sleepy, but I still have work to do. 🙂
LikeLike
All valid complaints and very funny with the judicious use of the F-bomb. I love it.
LikeLike
Thanks. I thought it was the perfect time to use it. Off the blog and away from the toddler, I say it a lot.
LikeLike
Excellently put! And, yeah, I’ve got the most experience with 2, 4, and 6 on here. With #6, this happened with both Watchmen and Kick-Ass when I saw them. And someone saw fit to bring their 8 year old. Just because it involves superheroes, it doesn’t mean you bring your frickin’ kid to it!
LikeLike
I went to see ‘The Eagle’, which had violence. Not a good movie, but that’s besides the point. Some guy brought two boys who couldn’t be older than 3 and 5. They cried a lot. There were a few kids in the audience when I went to see a midnight showing of the new Friday the 13th too. I really wonder what the mentality behind this is.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
A very funny post on movie pet peeves. Apparently a theme for this Monday 😉
LikeLike
I stopped going to theatres a long time ago. I’m Redbox Me now.>KB
LikeLike
I did Redbox once and it was a disaster. The one I rented from broke down the next day and nobody could tell me where the next closest one was. I was sent walking to one end of town and found out I had to go to the other. I use the library and premium channels these days.
The theater has become a special event thing because it’s the only time my wife and I can get away from the toddler. Probably 4 times a year.
LikeLike
LMAO…more reasons for me to avoid the theaters!
LikeLike
Catch a matinee and you’ll avoid most of the problems. 🙂
LikeLike
I sat in the second row of a debut once and there was one vacant seat directly in front of my date in the front row. (Gosh, was it really twenty years ago?) I joked that a really tall guy would walk in at the last second and take it. A few minutes after the movie started, it turned out that I was psychic. (So, naturally, I had to switch seats.) This was back in the days of flat, level movie theater seating. I’ll add to my list that the tallest guy on earth shouldn’t sit in the front row. 🙂
LikeLike
I do not miss the days where tall people were a feared hazard. Especially those guys that sit in front of a child and don’t care whatsoever. I always tried for an aisle seat back in those days. Add in people with big hats to that list too.
LikeLike
Good points Charles. I always find an evil cackle with a shrill “I’m going to slice your fucking throat!” stops most people from talking/kicking the seat/using the cellphone in a cinema. In fact, they usually move away from where I am sitting, which solves all of MY problems… 😀
LikeLike
I’m too small for that. I come off as an angry Pomeranian.
LikeLike
I seriously said, “Oh my god,” on two. Yes, I’m sure the last sentence there would get people to stop that REALLY quick. It might possibly even get them to move seats entirely.
I got the best laugh out of six, I think (last sentence). XD
LikeLike
Six probably confuses me the most out of the list. No idea why someone would do that. #2 was actually done by a friend. It was hilarious.
LikeLike
Yes, that sort of thing baffles me. (Six)
I AM curious what the recipient of . . . um . . . what your friend did . . . um . . DID. >.>
Sorry, my brain is off this morning.
LikeLike
The guy stopped and moved to another seat. We almost got in trouble for making noise though.
LikeLike
But mission accomplished. 😉
LikeLike
Re; spoilers – I was queueing round the block with five hundred other Harry Potter fans to see HP6 when a groups of teenagers on the other side of the street yelled. ‘Dumbledore dies in this one! Ha ha ha.’ I think every last one of us just sighed. Did those kids think NONE of us had read the darn book first?
LikeLike
They might have know that some did, but were banking on the possibility that a handful hadn’t. Some people are jerks and enjoy ruining stuff for others. Same thing happened with ‘The Sixth Sense’.
Honestly, I’ve only read the first HP book. I had a friend who read the new ones as soon as they came out and would tell me everything. So, I’m still waiting for most of the spoiler memories to fade and time to allow me for some reading.
LikeLike
Ooops… have I ruined HP6 for you now? 😦
LikeLike
Nah. Saw the movies.
LikeLike
Hilarious! Slightly disappointed that there was no reference to the occupiers of the ‘back row’.. maybe you don’t get those over there..:-)
LikeLike
Not really and they’re rather easy to ignore or mock.
LikeLike
Some of the reasons I don’t go to theaters anymore. Throw the popcorn,Milkduds? Do you know how much that stuff costs? Anyway, reblogging. 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks. I figure it costs a lot, but shutting someone up is still worth the cost.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Darswords and commented:
I only go to the the theater when there is scenery (Avatar, LotR, Mighty Joe Young, Harry Potter, and soon Gravity). Somehow, these lose something when watched on DVD for me. You?
LikeLike
So glad I’m not the only one that wants to get up in the middle of a movie and smack the people behind me who keep whispering, rather loudly. I used to fume silently on the insides, but nowadays I really cherish the little time I get to watch a movie and I refuse to sit by and let someone else ruin it for me. Unfortunately this has now created a situation where I am shushing some idiot or other at practically every movie. I also have one more pet peeve to add to your list: if you are a tall person, then try not to pick the seat in front of the very short people because then they cannot see anything. Of course sometimes that is unavoidable, but many people are just not aware of their surroundings.
LikeLike
I’ve been going to matinees for years. Barely anyone there, so I forgot about the tall person issue. It’s really rude when it happens.
I still have to deal with talkers during the movie. It’s my own fault for bringing the chatterbox with me, but the wife gets angry if I leave her behind.
LikeLike
Oh this list! Yes. I agree. Sometimes i get so annoyed in the cinema i just want to scream! I love going to see a movie but it can ruin it SO much if there are annoying people. When my husband and i saw Life of Pi there were two teenagers who talked the ENTIRE movie. Not whispered, talked. I seriously wanted to punch them in the face. It wasn’t even an action packed movie with lots of noise or a comedy with lots of laughs.
LikeLike
That’s terrible. We had a guy talking during Peter Jackson’s King Kong. I think his girlfriend was whispering stuff to him and he was reacting at normal talking levels. I wonder if there are people in the projection booth these days. I remember way back when I was a kid that a movie would be paused to handle an annoying viewer. Nothing happens these days.
LikeLike
I remember ages ago once when i was in the cinema an usher came in and gave a warning to some people and then because they didn’t shut up they were asked to leave. However i don’t see it happen much anymore.
LikeLike
I don’t think they have ushers any more. They wait for someone to complain. Though, I think some places take the opinion that a refund is easier than trying to remove someone. They should have bouncers like nightclubs.
LikeLike
That’s a great idea!
LikeLike
#4 Not long ago my wife and I were watching a movie and the kid sitting behind us kept asking his mom questions about what’s happening (English isn’t the first language of most people here and kids are often unable to follow the dialogue) and his mother’s explanations was the biggest load of nonsense! It was almost more entertaining listening to her than watching the movie. Almost.
LikeLike
Not sure if that’s better or worse than adults. I kind of give kids a pass now that I have one. Haven’t tested him on a theater yet because he’s too little and unable to sit through a movie. I’m wondering what kind of movie this woman took her kid too if she had to make ridiculous answers.
LikeLike
I wish I could remember which movie it was, but I don’t think it was anything unsuitable for younger viewers. I rather got the idea the mother had as little a clue what was going on as her kid.
LikeLike
I’ve been to a few of those movies. My wife tends to ask me questions during those movie and gets shushed.
LikeLike
Pingback: Post Revisited: Cinematic Pet Peeves | Legends of Windemere