Cover Art by Jason Pedersen
Welcome to the Personality Plaza! This is the best place you can go to purchase some depth for your characters. We have plenty of packages that range from the broken hero to the deluded villain and then some unique ones. As advertised, we have a mix and match bundle that most of our customers purchase. Insurance? I’m sorry, but you’re building a psyche here . . . We only cover breakdowns during the first 30 days. Wear and tear on these things can build up quickly and it depends on what you write. A romantic lead with very superficial flaws is less likely to be mentally unhinged than a fantasy hero who you’re going to torture in chapter 2. You’re writing a comedic space cop drama that takes place in the mind of the author? Why would I say that I’ve now heard everything? Let’s get started before you creep me out, kid.
I suggest you start with the hero and villain package. The two mains will help you set the pace for the others. Now we have plenty of opposing forces that you can buy to make things easier. For example, this is a nobility versus immoral bastard pairing that we sell at least twenty of before lunch. I know it sounds cliche, but these are only the outer clothes of your character. The meat will be added after this stage. For what you rambled, I would suggest the hero is not much different than the villain package. This brings in a fun dynamic that people never seem to get tired of. It’s out of stock now, but I can have one in by Tuesday. Yes, I know it’s Wednesday. Learn to be patient or your story is going to be one rushed tale. What would you like? An immoral hero and a noble villain? That sounds like you’re switching the point of view, but you sound very sure that the immoral guy is the hero. The author has no understanding of right or wrong, so his characters are mixed up. I can see we’re writing what we know here.
Now you choose emotional secrets and hidden personality quirks. This is hard to explain, so bear with me. Your hero could be struggling with a deep depression or the villain may be scared of being alone. These are mentalities that you add to reveal at a later date or keep to yourself. Why keep them to yourself? Because it can still help you write the character and have them act accordingly. You don’t always have to have neon signs pointing at a personality trait. For example, a character might be the type to panic when under pressure. So you always have them make a bad decision if they’re not given enough time to think. They could be the opposite and be horrible planners because they think they can predict people, but never come close. You see where I’m going with this, kid? The hero will have a fear of mayonnaise and the villain wishes to return to the womb. Excuse me while I make a few calls.
*hour passes*
Let me introduce you to our resident psychologist and his four sons who enjoy bench-pressing small cars. I suggest you have a nice chat with them.
Legends of Windemere 
Excuse me sir. Could you tell me where the checkout is?
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Just beyond the clearance aisle. Not that such a position was designed to get you buy from that section. We’d never be that obvious.
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I guess you misunderstood. I want to process a return.
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Got it. Here’s store credit, a gun, and a shovel. Take the poor thing out back. We’ll send Tony to help in a minute.
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LOL
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Do you offer buy one get one free on any of the packages? And do you have any spunky love interests for sale?
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Buy 1, Get 1 deal only works with compatible personalities. Rivals are only half off and there are no refunds there. Spunky love interests are very cheap too. It would be like putting a pack of gum on sale. 😛
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But Orbit gum is on sale all the time. 😀
I’ll take a love interest, a rival, a comedic animal friend/mentor, and a hero/villain whose obvious Pokemon battle-type matchups (plant versus fire; water versus rock). Hope you accept debit cards and do home delivery.
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I’ve actually never seen a single pack of gum on sale. Maybe it’s just this area.
We have free delivery too, but you need to supply your own net to catch them. Also they’ll smell like gunpowder for a few days.
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I love this! Wish I’d thought of it first. Great post.
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Thanks. Just came to me. Surprised I pulled it off during that 2 week break.
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“I can see we’re writing what we know here” – priceless! 😀
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Thanks. That line had me smiling when I wrote it.
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Hehe got any side orders of fries to go with it? 🙂 Very creative post!
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Thanks. Got waffle, sweet potato, and ice cream. The third one is really just a bowl of ice cream with ‘fries’ written in sprinkles.
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“And today’s special is…” can you imagine creating a character a day? Oh! What a great writing prompt.
Ellespeth
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That’s kind of what I was doing in high school. Just making characters, monsters, places, and magic items.
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These are always so much fun! You should collect and publish them at some point.
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Maybe. If I can gather enough then it’s entirely possible.
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Fun post, but I love neon signs showing me the way to personality traits. Brilliant, Charles!
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Thanks. Think we have some of those in the back.
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