Welcome to Gods ‘R Us! We have all the deities you need. Sorry about the stairs, but our products need to be kept in high altitudes. What do we do about the water gods? Well, we have a really big pool in the back. Look, we can’t please everybody and Zeus won the coin toss centuries ago. So, what do you need?
You need our afterlife package, which means we have to choose a death god first. A god of death is essential even if you never use him or her. Some of the squeamish authors kill them as soon as they get home and put them into legends. Others use only their name and keep them busy with an Xbox. Don’t give them a Wii because death gods get frustrated with the motion control. Horns, tail, and cloven hooves? Yeah, we have those in stock and they’re cheap. Our most popular seller because of unoriginality. I would recommend something a little less . . . satanic since death gods don’t have to be evil. Death is a natural part of life, so . . . one standard, run-of-mill devil it is. Do you want the old man in the sky to go with it? I don’t care if you have issues with my sass. Customer might always be right, but they can still be boring.
Let’s move on to your delivery and containment system. These aren’t exactly gods, but they function as theological minions. For example, Charon the Ferryman and Cerberus. We’re out of those specifically. We have a variety of reapers that range from grim to pleasant. Since you seem determined to focus on hell, I can recommend our brimstone package. You get a classic reaper with scythe and black cloak with your chose of skeletal, decaying, ghost, or human. Only use these when you’re sure about killing a character because they quit if you do a take back. That voids your warranty and you’ll have to hike back up here for a replacement. Containment can be any of our extra large demons, which you an peruse later. We can do custom orders if you see parts of a few that you want combined. That takes a month to build, gestate, and deliver, so I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re in a rush.
Let’s go for the upstairs. You do have a place for the good people to go to, right? You want it to be like Greek mythology and only have the underworld. So everyone suffers at the hands of your hellish death god when they die. I assume the other gods are there entirely for show and to give you an excuse for priests that fight amongst themselves. Of course that’s what you were planning. Have you ever considered not touching on religions and the afterlife in your stories? I ask only because you don’t seem to have any clue as to what you’re doing. It sounds like a world where everyone goes to hell, so what they do in life doesn’t matter at all.
Sure, we have books that explain all of this. Walk past the love goddess garden and I mean past because they’ll never let you go if you stop. Make a left at the war god tavern and grab a pint if you want. Take your time because this is a decision that can make or break your story. By the way, the librarian is a stickler for quiet and treating books with respect. Make a mistake and she might skewer you on her spear. Good luck and I look forward to continuing our business.