Gods ‘R Us: Deities for Your Every Need

Gods from Disney's Hercules

Gods from Disney’s Hercules

Welcome to Gods ‘R Us!  We have all the deities you need.  Sorry about the stairs, but our products need to be kept in high altitudes.  What do we do about the water gods?  Well, we have a really big pool in the back.  Look, we can’t please everybody and Zeus won the coin toss centuries ago.  So, what do you need?

You need our afterlife package, which means we have to choose a death god first.  A god of death is essential even if you never use him or her.  Some of the squeamish authors kill them as soon as they get home and put them into legends.  Others use only their name and keep them busy with an Xbox.  Don’t give them a Wii because death gods get frustrated with the motion control.  Horns, tail, and cloven hooves?  Yeah, we have those in stock and they’re cheap.  Our most popular seller because of unoriginality.  I would recommend something a little less . . . satanic since death gods don’t have to be evil.  Death is a natural part of life, so . . . one standard, run-of-mill devil it is.  Do you want the old man in the sky to go with it?  I don’t care if you have issues with my sass.  Customer might always be right, but they can still be boring.

Let’s move on to your delivery and containment system.  These aren’t exactly gods, but they function as theological minions. For example, Charon the Ferryman and Cerberus.  We’re out of those specifically.  We have a variety of reapers that range from grim to pleasant.  Since you seem determined to focus on hell, I can recommend our brimstone package.  You get a classic reaper with scythe and black cloak with your chose of skeletal, decaying, ghost, or human.  Only use these when you’re sure about killing a character because they quit if you do a take back.  That voids your warranty and you’ll have to hike back up here for a replacement.  Containment can be any of our extra large demons, which you an peruse later.  We can do custom orders if you see parts of a few that you want combined.  That takes a month to build, gestate, and deliver, so I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re in a rush.

Let’s go for the upstairs.  You do have a place for the good people to go to, right?  You want it to be like Greek mythology and only have the underworld.  So everyone suffers at the hands of your hellish death god when they die.  I assume the other gods are there entirely for show and to give you an excuse for priests that fight amongst themselves.  Of course that’s what you were planning.  Have you ever considered not touching on religions and the afterlife in your stories?  I ask only because you don’t seem to have any clue as to what you’re doing.  It sounds like a world where everyone goes to hell, so what they do in life doesn’t matter at all.

Sure, we have books that explain all of this.  Walk past the love goddess garden and I mean past because they’ll never let you go if you stop.  Make a left at the war god tavern and grab a pint if you want.  Take your time because this is a decision that can make or break your story.  By the way, the librarian is a stickler for quiet and treating books with respect.  Make a mistake and she might skewer you on her spear.  Good luck and I look forward to continuing our business.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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24 Responses to Gods ‘R Us: Deities for Your Every Need

  1. djmatticus says:

    Note to self: introduce myself to the librarian… bring cymbals.


  2. estyree says:

    I see someone was feeling particularly sassy today. 😀 Are those pesky un-creative types bugging you? I’m having the same issue with people wanting my fairies and dragons to be the ‘typical’ fare. Silly boring people.

    Note – the pub was a little holie….apparently there’s been a firefight in the men’s room and one of the female war gods has taken over the kitchen to roast her enemy’s bones.


  3. sknicholls says:

    Sassy but seems to be in good spirits today. I’m going for the Greek mythology Gods over the hell Gods. They seem to be far more handsome, and much less satanic.


    • What about Hades? 🙂


      • sknicholls says:

        Tartarus, maybe, but Hades…That whole Lake of fire afterlife. Don’t believe in it, so it’s hard for me to fit it into a fantasy that I can enjoy. I can wrap my head around powerful Greek Gods better. Plus, even the older ones seemed to be fine bodied specimens. After all, I am an older one myself…not God awful old…but older than my image of some immortal young Gods..


      • Actually, Hades was the name of the Greek God of the Underworld. Over time, his name became the land of the dead instead of a god. Tartarus was the name of the deep abyss of torment in the Greek Underworld. Anyway, Hades had a helmet of invisibility and is usually put on par with Zeus and Poseidon in terms of power.


      • sknicholls says:

        I can do the Greek Gods. I like the powerful Zeus and Poseidon. Just not the lake of fire hell. Hades works for me, as does Tartarus. It’s the go to hell if you’re bad thing that gets me. But I don’t believe in heaven either.

        My afterlife image is one of an energy zone that holds spiritual presence. Not really bad or good. Not heaven or hell. Somewhere in the oblivious universe.


      • Not sure how it worked in Greek Mythology. Though most belief systems have some form of heaven/hell as a form of social control. The idea is probably that if a person believes that what they do will send their soul to a good or bad place then they’ll be more inclined to behave. Most people won’t do something if there’s a negative consequence. Since it’s impossible to prove what the afterlife is like, it’s hard to argue who is right and who is wrong. Could be a giant Starbucks for all we know.


  4. ioniamartin says:

    Okay, but what about the guarantee? What if my item malfunctions and takes out a city block? What if the containment device fails and I have to listen to the genie singing that Ali a baba song all night?

    This was so much fun. Great job!


  5. Seán Cooke says:

    “We have a variety of reapers that range from grim to pleasant.” That was a brilliant line! Gave me a right ol’ chuckle. 😀


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