I get depressed
When stresses rise
I don’t follow the creed
Of hiding it
Beneath my skin
Creating a cycle of pain
I struggle
To clear my mind
By spitting words
Into the air and on the page
Knowing the result
From those tired of hearing
Nobody likes the sad
The ones whose misery
Brings the room to a crawl
They push them away
Yell for them to fake a smile
As if this helps the fallen
I feel the endless circle
Where I try to release
And end up sucking in more
Drowning in turmoil
Unable to escape
Until the sources go away
January has sucked for so many reasons. I hate writing depressing poetry, but it’s the only release that I can truly find at times. I’ve heard that this is common too. I know I scheduled some old depressive stuff for next week, but that was before my mood plunged. Maybe it was a moment of precognition like I knew some things would force me into a funk that I haven’t felt in years. It’s strange how people think that listing stuff that I should be thankful for is supposed to help. If anything, it makes me feel worse when I’m like this because I feel blocked from those things. Honestly, I really only want those that make me feel like crap to go away, shut up, leave me alone, or simply back the fuck off my case. This is a dangerous post already because I know certain people lurk here and report back to others who ‘discuss’ things with me. So I should cut it off now before I say something I regret.
Legends of Windemere 
Charles… obviously I have no idea why January has been such a bad month for you but let me say that there is nothing wrong with depressing poetry or putting your feelings out there. I am so with you and I can particularly relate to the stanza when you talk about others being fed up of hearing the same thing. I am in and out of ‘funks’ on a weekly basis and it is hard to carry on. You want to scream at the world, you want to tell someone who really understands and you want to know that they have heard you. You also want someone to make it all go away. Depression, the feelings of being low are not something that we choose to have and that is what a lot of people misunderstand. For some reason, depression seems to be highly prevalent amongst us authors but I wonder if that is precisely why we are authors? Because we need to vent, we need to write and we need an escape route. I don’t know. But just know that I for one completely understand and I hope that you can find whatever peace it is that you need, to lift yourself back out again. I am rooting for you!
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I think the aggravating thing is when people ‘hear’ me and don’t actually see what the source is. When it’s stress being caused by other people then it seems to be a simple ‘stop dealing with them’ as if it’s so easy.
I think with authors it’s a career of highs and lows. You stress about the quality of your books, reviews, sales, and everything under the sun when you start. If you don’t have that solid support system then you slip very easily. I’m talking more emotional support than anything else. Very few things upset me more than having to talk about a backup plan as if I’ve failed.
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I hear you …. 100%. I think the problem is the lack of understanding. Unless you are on this mad journey then you have no idea of the hard work that is involved to even sell one book. You know from what I post that my sales are dire which I know is partly down to what I do and don’t do with marketing. But even to sell the few that I have sold has be darned hard work and so for someone such as yourself who has, in my opinion, been very successful, then it must have been ridiculously difficult. I hope that February is a better month for you and that things get better soon.
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Another factor is focus. I see continuing sales, rankings, and reviews as signs of success at this point. More than the royalties because those will increase as more books come out and are successful. It’s building a foundation and some people don’t realize that’s the key. The money would be nice, but I’m not going to hit the six digit royalties within the first year. Being made to feel like I failed because of this eventually builds into one of these depressive fits.
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I understand that completely. I get a lot of people asking me why I waste my time blogging etc.. and I have tried to explain that it is all part of it, that you have to build a community so that you can then hopefully build a career. It just doesn’t make sense to many and I think that because it is a long term thing, ie. the returns are not going to happen instantly, then a lot of people will see it as failure or time wasted.
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It’s amazing how many people think something isn’t worth doing unless it has immediate monetary results.
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Isn’t it just!?! I think if any of us entered this journey believing that we were going to be instantly rich, then we entered it for completely the wrong reasons. It is what we used to call in the olden days, a vocation. No one has vocation’s any more. Shame.
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Patience too.
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I agree with what Jade said. Many writers express their depressed feelings through the written word. And January has been a hard month to get through for so many reasons. Hope things get better for you soon. Will be thinking of you.
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Thanks. Fingers crossed that things improve. I’m hoping to tackle my next book near the end of next week, so that might help. It’s really weird how so much is going wrong this month.
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I found a great quote by Isak Dinesen: “All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them.”
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Guess that’s where the poetry comes in. I’d like to keep my misery out of my books, but I’m not sure how successful I am at times.
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Hey Charles, I appreciate this. I think it’s very brave of you to open up this way for all your audience to see. It’s the mark of a truly courageous individual to let others examine what lies beneath the shell.
I’m not going to minimize what you’ve written, since what you’ve written is incredibly bold. I’d like to mention though, these dark months is the time I’m at my creative peak. When summer comes, I have to rely on a list of techniques to carry me through the lazy months prior to fall when the creative juices start flowing again. I’m not sure why that is. I suppose it has to do with the lack of light in the winter, the cold and frigid air or it could very well be remaining indoors for long periods. Whatever it is, someone’s darkness is another one’s light. As I said, I’m not trying to minimize your thoughts in any way.
Keep posting these great bits of your personality, I find them inspiring.
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Thanks. I seem to get lazy around this time, but I can’t really tell with so many events beyond my control. Part of me is probably upset that I haven’t written anything in weeks, which always puts me into a funk. The cold has been pushing me into a hibernation mindset thoguh.
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Did you end up getting that haircut? If you did, there’s an accomplishment right there!
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I got it just before going to Buffalo about 2 weeks ago. I really shouldn’t have waited so long.
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Nobody likes the sad
The ones whose misery
Brings the room to a crawl
~
I shall have to disagree. Reminds me of something I wrote early last year:
Perfection is ugly
It is boring at best
Show me what plagues you
Rip it out from your chest
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I agree with your poem. What I wrote about is the mentality that I get a lot when I’m depressed. Nobody wants to deal with me and I get the sense that I’m not even wanted in the room. Yet, I’m rarely allowed to leave without being accused of being anti-social.
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I’m anti-social – with or without the depression. I say F them and that mentality. 😛
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I agree. 🙂
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If no one listened to you how would I hear you even when I’m trying to sleep at night and cant? I did last night.
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Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to yell so loudly. Might explain why my throat hurts this morning.
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I appreciate your candidness. These are struggles many authors face. We are involved with the deepest recesses of our minds when we are pulling material out. That can be isolating even when you are writing about happy stuff. Others view us a distant and removed. The general public is clueless about what it takes to produce and market a book, let alone a series of books. Instant success rarely happens in any field, but there is an unrealistic expectation on authors to be instantly successful. The most beautiful Victorian homes started out as two room shacks and were added to over time as resources were obtained, Nowadays, there is an expectation for authors to present a boxed series in less than five years. There was a time when writing one book in five years was the norm. You can’t measure your success by somebody else’s. There is a sense of inadequacy that will haunt you if you do. Keep doing what you are doing. I hope this funk leaves you soon. Sometimes my writing is dark, therapeutic, as I write to process through what bothers me, as well.
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I agree and you make good points. The depression appears when it feels like my shortcomings are being tossed in my face and I’m being asked to quit. Without an office or a place to go to, I have no escape from it. So it’s always like getting hit by a mugger from the shadows.
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I know a few authors who do have an office set up, some in their home and some outside of it. They go everyday as if they are off to work, and set aside certain hours. My creative mind doesn’t work like that though. I can’t turn it off and on, which is why I don’t think I could hold a job and write at the same time.
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I don’t have the space or the money to rent, so I’m stuck. The one area that would have been my office was taken over by someone else.
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Hope February is much better.
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Me too.
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I like the poem, but not that you are feeling so down – hope you find your spirits rise soon! 🙂 🙂
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Thanks. I hope so too.
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Hope things brighten for you soonest, Charles.
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Me too. Thanks.
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Great poem although I wish it wasn’t written for these reasons. I hope that things work out for you soon and that you will get the space that you so obviously need for your well-being. Hang in there my friend, feel better soon.
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Fingers crossed. One of these days I’ll get some space.
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I agree that it is a gripping poem, Charles – but I hope that February is much better for you. Thinking about you!
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Thanks. It’s been a really bad month. Just wanting it to be over.
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I understand, and I hope the month, and the stress, are over for you soon.
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I can’t say I know how you feel. I’ve never been through it. But the silence you take for impatience may actually be the silence of “what can I say that won’t make it worse?”
But I do know you’re not alone. Hope things get better soon.
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Thanks. 🙂
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I’m sorry I missed this yesterday. Prayers. You have such support here on WordPress. Your followers are devoted, Charles. I do hope people continue to see your light. Hugs.
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Thanks. I’m feeling better.
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I’m so glad. I loved the poem. Very much.
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