In association with Ionia Martin.

You feel something . . . like an arrow in the butt?

Ionia:  Hey, Charles. So I was walking through Windemere the other day and saw the weirdest thing.

Charles:  A troll dancing with a teddy bear?  I keep meaning to lock him up.

Ionia:  Well, yeah. I saw that too. But no. It was even weirder than that. There Luke was, just kind of hanging out, reading your book and smiling and then ZING! There was an arrow in his butt.

Charles:  That had to hurt.  Wonder what part he was reading?  Wait . . . arrow in butt more important.

Ionia:  I have heard that some reviewers can be trolls, but I didn’t realise they meant it so literally. I don’t know which part, but I’m thinking it must have had something to do with Kira. He had that dreamy look again . . . until the arrow in the butt.

Charles:  Unless he was reading ahead.  I should probably get Aedyn to help him that arrow.  Who shot him?

Ionia:  That makes me wonder. How would Windemere heroes handle a troll who drinks all the ale and then leaves 1 star?

Charles:  Such a terrible tipper.  I think Nyx would set them on fire.  Then she’d get mad.

Ionia:  In the Five Kingdoms we send them to the Murky Bog. Smells like farts and has swamp rats the size of a double-decker bus. Then we encourage them to try the mushrooms.

Charles:  Interesting.  For Windemere, it would depend on the hero.  Although, I can see the Lich being sent after them.  He’d have soooo much fun.

Ionia:  I have to hand it to Luke though. He kept his cool. He looked around for a moment, finished the chapter and then went on his way. I watched the arrow bounce up and down until he faded into the distance. He didn’t even swear.  I heard him mutter something about, “Did you even read this butt before you let that arrow fly?” He may have said book.  It sounded like butt.

Charles:  Sounds like he was drinking while reading. Then again, he’s learning how to take bad news and let it roll off his back.

Ionia:  Only to get himself through the parts with the Lich, surely.

Charles:  Or that demon.  Still a great scene that he will never live down.

Ionia:  I have heard that having cosmic-sized meltdowns in front of an audience can be bad. Hey, do you think he ever got the arrow out?  Ah, the demon. Yes. Well, perhaps the demon had an arrow in his butt too.

Charles:  If he didn’t then I have a list of people that would yank it out when he wasn’t looking.  Most likely Nimby.

Ionia:  I was thinking Fizzle might distract him with an apple.

Charles:  It’s a large butt.  Would the demon ever notice it?

Ionia:  He has the cute factor.

Fizzle:  Fizzle no know how to share apples!

Ionia:  Fizzle, not the demon arse.  Hey Fizzle! You always seem to show up when we talk about you.

Charles:  I wouldn’t say that out loud to the demon.  He’s sensitive about his backside.

Ionia:  *What do you mean apple perfume?  A demon with a complex about his arse? I like big butts. Look at my header.

Charles:  It’s an excellent header.  Love the red dress and cupcake.

Ionia:  Hey Charles, uhm…you might want to look behind you, I just saw movement behind one of those…ZING!!!!!!!!!!!

Charles:  Dang it!  I needed that cheek.

Ionia:  Hey Fizzle?

Charles:  Who keeps shooting at me?

Ionia:  There’s an arrow in Charles’ butt.

Fizzle:  Fizzle here!  Fizzle think that look painful.

Charles:  At least it isn’t in the bone.  Just the butt flesh.

Ionia:  Uhm…Bradley….we saw that. Nine out of Ten he’s going to try and blame the Lich.

Charles:  I wondered where he wandered off to.  Which Lich would he blame?

Ionia:  His or yours? Oh, that reminds me…pretty soon there is going to be another Lich released on the world. Have you heard about this?

Charles:  This is news to me.  I’m all ears and wounded rump.

Ionia:  Your bum is swelling. Here, take one of these…”Perfectly safe mushrooms” and have a rest against that tree. You can find out more shortly about this other Lich by keeping an eye on http://greenembers.wordpress.com

Charles:  I’ve heard rumors of that Lich moving into the spotlight.  Guess he got tired of the lonely shadows.

Ionia:  Until then, we should really do something about that butt… You are looking a bit like J-Lo and it’s wiggling like Jell-o

Charles:  That would be shivers of pain.  I need more mushrooms.

Ionia:  🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄  You owe me twenty Rubilets—is there a currency exchange around here?

Charles:  Behind the tavern and next to the other tavern.

Ionia:  but that says “outhouse”

Charles:  I have a few diamond spheres though.  It does say that.  That tavern owner isn’t great at making names . . . or cooking.

Ionia:  I’m out of here. Digger was left alone. It can’t be good.

Charles:  Yeah that . . . where’s Fritz and Nimby?  I think Sari wandered off too.  Maybe we should just hide under the bed until they all calm down.

Ionia:  No one else wants an arrow in their butt. Let’s. No one accused us of being heroes.

Charles:  Ladies first.

Ionia:  Be careful not to snag your arse on the duvet. Okay, then go first.

Charles:  I promise not to . . . what’s a duvet?

Ionia:  B L A N K E T!  D U H!

Charles:  Oh!  You meant my night fort. It’s warm and safe under there.

Ionia:  We all know you night fart. Now stop talking.

Charles:  Yes, ma’am.

Ionia:  Stop wriggling, I’ve almost got it out.

Charles:  Just yank it out and get it over with.  Keep the arrow though because I want to return to sender.

Ionia:  Oops, broke off the tip.  You are right. Call Aedyn.

Charles:  Good idea.  Keep Fritz and his inventions away from me.

Ionia:  You know you came to the right place if you want me to entertain a short guy. Well, good luck.

Charles:  Thanks.  Enjoy the gnome.

Ionia:  “OOOOH FRITZ!” * Bats eyelashes. “Charles had an arrow in his butt and now I broke his arse and he said he wants us to invent something to help him see the future…. Why thank you, I rather like this tunic as well…”