Return of the Banter! (Long & Crazy)

In the comment section of ‘Spark You Can’t Explain’, Ionia Martin and I decided to return to our old bantering ways.  Though, it looks like we might have gone through withdrawal and overdid it. This time, we’re posting it here for those that have the patience and interest to see the insanity.  If you aren’t following her blog then you better get over there now.  (Left in its original state because I quit formatting after the first bloody hour.)

June 20, 2013 at 12:18 pm

You wrote the guidebook

June 20, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Yup. Sadly, it was rejected for publication because I used to many curse words.

June 20, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Lol mine too. Try again?

June 20, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Sure. We’ll use your curse words this time around.

June 20, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Bloody hell!

June 20, 2013 at 12:39 pm

I’ve always wondered. Why is hell so bloody over there?

June 20, 2013 at 12:42 pm

Because we off Americans as sacrifices

June 20, 2013 at 12:54 pm

Remind me to skip any invitations from you that mention events with fire.

June 20, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Or “something”

June 20, 2013 at 12:38 pm

That didn’t help the audiobook.

June 20, 2013 at 12:39 pm

lol I thought it would be funny. I’d stop and consider every time you said it

June 20, 2013 at 12:53 pm

Well as long as I’m not being stuuuuupid.

June 20, 2013 at 1:53 pm

I like U’s. Americans under UUUUUse them. Julian will agree with me I’m sure.

June 20, 2013 at 1:58 pm

We’re simply to busy to waste time with them. They’re like V’s that let themselves go.

June 20, 2013 at 2:24 pm

Really? We have been confused this whole time then. We thought you were too lazy to remember them.

June 20, 2013 at 2:28 pm

Nope. And we say ‘my’ instead of ‘me’ just to annoy you. It’s written into the Constitution.

June 20, 2013 at 2:35 pm

I can think of other things you say that make you less intelligent mortals but I will not repeat them for fear of my dignity being compromised. You do realise that realise is spelled with an S?

June 20, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Not according the the spellchecker. Careful. This less intelligent mortal has cute dragons and destructive gnomes at his disposal.

June 20, 2013 at 2:54 pm

Clearly spellchecker was designed by an American.

June 20, 2013 at 2:57 pm

Of course. How else are we going to make sure we’re right?

June 20, 2013 at 2:58 pm

By checking against the Oxford English Dictionary, of course

June 20, 2013 at 3:00 pm

That’s just crazy talk. We invented the dictionary.

June 20, 2013 at 3:09 pm

Where do you think you came from?

June 20, 2013 at 3:12 pm

They don’t teach sex ed over there?

June 20, 2013 at 3:16 pm

We just can’t understand single cell organisms

June 20, 2013 at 3:21 pm

Guess biology is a missing subject too.

June 20, 2013 at 3:22 pm

We spend more time learning English

June 20, 2013 at 3:26 pm

I should hope so since you guys keep telling us how bad we are at it . . . soccer.

June 20, 2013 at 3:29 pm

*cough* Wanker

June 20, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Throwing an insult is cheating because I can’t throw one back. What happened to chivalry and playing fair?

Beyotch ;P

June 20, 2013 at 3:40 pm

further proof that you people can’t spell.

June 20, 2013 at 3:45 pm

We’re a creative people. Why should we keep using the same boring words everyone else is using?

June 20, 2013 at 3:46 pm

Oh that must be it. Or you have no idea what any of us are saying because we believe in proper speech. Arse.

June 20, 2013 at 3:49 pm

We don’t really listen. We assume you’re always talking about tea and how you used to ‘rule’ the world until 13 little colonies kicked your arse.

June 20, 2013 at 3:50 pm

We kicked you out. We send all of our rejects to the rock called America

June 20, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Only you guys would evict someone and force them to keep paying rent. No wonder we whooped your butts.

June 20, 2013 at 3:59 pm

First off it not Butt. Second of all WE do not force you to do anything. You couldn’t figure out the directions anyway. They are written in English.

June 20, 2013 at 4:01 pm

First off, I think you meant it’s not Butt. Second, the directions are clearly written in Spanish and Chinese. Third, you’re right. We stopped listening to you guys a long time ago. Must be why we’re so awesome these days.

June 20, 2013 at 4:04 pm

Must be that you don’t listen because you are too busy talking in your slang.

June 20, 2013 at 4:10 pm

Dayum bitches be crazy.

That still makes more sense than bugger all.

June 20, 2013 at 4:11 pm

Stop acting like such a radge. Honestly.

June 20, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Now I’m sure you’re making words up. You short people sure get frustrated and hit gibberish rather quickly.

June 20, 2013 at 4:16 pm

I’m sorry. All I heard was “blah blah blah”

June 20, 2013 at 4:29 pm

That’s cause you’re too low to the ground. I can kneel down or get you a step stool, so you can hear me.

June 20, 2013 at 5:20 pm

Stand up and take it like a man…oh wait…you are standing.

June 20, 2013 at 5:25 pm

Stop threatening my kneecaps, Queen of Lilliput.

June 20, 2013 at 7:15 pm

They are all I can reach according to you.

June 20, 2013 at 7:19 pm

The term ankle-biter suddenly comes to mind.

June 20, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Leave the squirrels out of this

June 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

If only I could. They’re always around.

June 20, 2013 at 7:22 pm

Furry little bastards

June 20, 2013 at 7:23 pm

I think somebody keeps feeding them and they won’t go away.

June 20, 2013 at 7:24 pm

*hides chips

June 20, 2013 at 7:26 pm

*squirrels tackle Ionia* Don’t worry. We have two more of you around here ever since we broke reality.

June 20, 2013 at 7:28 pm

3 of you and three of me sounds like world domination

June 20, 2013 at 7:30 pm

We can get behind that.

June 20, 2013 at 7:31 pm

at least we stayed on topic today.

June 20, 2013 at 7:37 pm

Of course we did . . . what post was this on anyway?

June 20, 2013 at 7:38 pm

That one about that thing. I think you wrote it. I see you standing in that profile picture.

June 20, 2013 at 7:43 pm

Guess so. That explains the familiar background. So . . . cupcakes and we start again tomorrow?

June 20, 2013 at 7:48 pm

Lol yep

June 20, 2013 at 7:51 pm

See you then.

June 20, 2013 at 7:52 pm

wait…you can see me? What window are you looking in? Peeeeeeeping Tom!!!! Heeeeelp!


June 20, 2013 at 7:55 pm

Uh, you left your webcam on. Might want to clean up a bit.

June 20, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Again? Wait…so did you. Nice hello kitty t shirt btw

June 20, 2013 at 8:07 pm

Thanks. It came with a matching skirt, but I didn’t have the legs for it.

June 20, 2013 at 8:09 pm

are you sure? Short skirts and shorter legs are in this season. Have you seen my care bear?

June 20, 2013 at 8:13 pm

It’s more of a hair thing. Unless I plan on being a professional swimmer, I refuse to wax.

I see him in the corner wearing your bathing suit. I’m not going to ask.

June 20, 2013 at 8:15 pm

there you are sunshine bear!

Hey look I found my stuffed animal too.

June 20, 2013 at 8:17 pm

Okay . . . I think somebody found some tequila in her room.

June 20, 2013 at 8:18 pm

nope just a rose

June 20, 2013 at 8:19 pm

That still doesn’t explain why you’re dancing on your bed. Are you doing the Macarena?

June 20, 2013 at 8:22 pm

No there was a spider

June 20, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Oh . . . I was wondering why you had a spider tattoo on the back of your shoulder.

June 20, 2013 at 8:26 pm

I didn’t know I was going to have superpowers when he bit me

June 20, 2013 at 8:27 pm

I think they call it a rash actually, but superpowers can work too.

June 20, 2013 at 8:32 pm

I only got a rash because it was a radioactive spidey

June 20, 2013 at 8:34 pm

And Spider-Ionia takes to the streets to fight crime. Though, doing it in your pajamas might not be a good idea.

June 20, 2013 at 8:34 pm

Oh never mind that was just squirrel poo

June 20, 2013 at 8:35 pm

You really need to clean that room. I suggest using fire.

June 20, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Yeah you did make a mess

June 20, 2013 at 8:36 pm

I told you fencing with me in the house was a bad idea

June 20, 2013 at 8:40 pm

I never pass up a fencing challenge. Besides, you swung at me first.

June 20, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Only to protect you from a cupcake tossing ninja squirrel

June 20, 2013 at 8:43 pm

You promised you wouldn’t train any more of those. The last batch nearly got us arrested.

June 20, 2013 at 8:45 pm

Only because you decided to tell the cop that they were just confused toddlers with a facial hair disorder. He would have believed you if you hadn’t streaked down the street to distract him.

June 20, 2013 at 8:46 pm

And using his car as a trampoline was a good idea? How you changed into that bikini without anyone noticing is beyond me.

June 20, 2013 at 8:47 pm

I wear it under my spongebob Jammie’s

June 20, 2013 at 8:49 pm

That makes perfect sense for some reason.

June 20, 2013 at 8:51 pm

Never know when the victim will fall in a pool

June 20, 2013 at 8:52 pm

I keep telling you that you’re not a trained lifeguard just because you’re wearing a swimsuit and have a whistle. It’s a slide whistle too.

June 20, 2013 at 8:53 pm

Well I don’t get any other attention here so I like my whistle. Stuuuuuff it shortarse.

June 20, 2013 at 9:01 pm

I think somebody needs a nap, a hug, and a piece of a chocolate. Can you be a dear and get me those things, little hobbit?

June 20, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Get them yourself. Wizzard

June 20, 2013 at 9:13 pm

Hmmm. They weren’t that important.

June 20, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Well one had nothing to do with the other so I should think not. You know, Big Ben is awfully TALL. Shortarse.

June 20, 2013 at 4:14 pm

That’s funny coming from half a hobbit.

June 20, 2013 at 5:20 pm

At least I am happy that I’m not the bottom half

June 20, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Keep telling yourself that. *pats you on head*

June 20, 2013 at 5:30 pm

Yes I do rather like talking to myself. I speak excellent English.

June 20, 2013 at 5:33 pm

You know talking to yourself is a sign you’re crazy.

June 20, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Then you are stuuupid because the word is mad. Besides, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting a different result. You wouldn’t do that, right?

June 20, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Nope. Not like I continue talking to the same person hoping and expect her to be sweet. Are all backpack girlfriends this cheeky?

June 20, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Leave my cheeks out of this. Berk.

June 20, 2013 at 5:48 pm

They do kind of puff out like a squirrel. Guess that explains the squirrel queen title.

June 20, 2013 at 6:31 pm

Only because I am trying to hide all the cupcakes from you.

June 20, 2013 at 6:38 pm

It’s rude to talk with your mouth full. I thought you were all about manners.

June 20, 2013 at 6:41 pm

I said proper English I didn’t say shite about manners.

June 20, 2013 at 6:43 pm

Fair enough. You short people are so temperamental.

June 20, 2013 at 6:44 pm

You would know oompa

June 20, 2013 at 6:51 pm

I’m Wolverine height, which doesn’t help my case in any way. Still taller than you, so I win.

June 20, 2013 at 7:12 pm

Have you ever heard of small man complex?

June 20, 2013 at 7:15 pm

Yes, but you’re a woman, so you can’t use that excuse.

June 20, 2013 at 7:18 pm

Do you always call yourself a woman?

June 20, 2013 at 7:20 pm

You review books with that reading comprehension?

June 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

I’m sorry I couldn’t understand you I was reading

June 20, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Are we suddenly have three different conversations on the same comment thread at the same time?

If we end up in a padded room, it is so your fault.

June 20, 2013 at 7:24 pm

I’d stick my tongue out if I wasn’t so mature

June 20, 2013 at 7:25 pm

The correct term is matuuuuuuuure.

June 20, 2013 at 7:26 pm

Would that it were all yanks were so easy to teach

June 20, 2013 at 7:28 pm

I still refuse to say humour. Humor, humor, humor, humor, humor.

June 20, 2013 at 7:32 pm

I still refuse to believe U can’t use U’s

June 20, 2013 at 7:37 pm

If we used U’s then what would you criticize us about? See. We do it because we love you guys.

June 20, 2013 at 7:46 pm

We would compliment your intelligence because we are very well mannered individuals.

June 20, 2013 at 7:48 pm

With some of the most colorful and amusing slang I’ve ever heard.

June 20, 2013 at 4:04 pm


June 20, 2013 at 3:51 pm

you zeem to think you are zo zuperior.

June 20, 2013 at 3:57 pm

We iz.

June 20, 2013 at 4:00 pm

Such Silly Statements.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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118 Responses to Return of the Banter! (Long & Crazy)

  1. Oh my gosh. That was hilarious


  2. mrschmoe says:

    Thank you Charles and Iona. I needed a bit of humour 😀


  3. Awesome.

    And I never considered that we don’t use “u”s… interestink.


  4. ioniamartin says:

    Who comments this much? People with no lives or people who are plotting?


  5. This was absolutely…well…entertaining. The two of you should have a stand up comedy act being that your language is so colourful. Oh did I use a “U” in colour. 🙂


  6. TamrahJo says:

    Quite frankly, even as an American, I’m mad that spell checker puts those little red squiggly lines under the following:
    humour, favour, theatre, fervour,
    There’s more, but this is already a 20 page post…..LOL
    Loved it!


  7. sknicholls says:

    You guys are nuts. I agree that you should do stand up comedy. It would be like Sonny and Cher. ..only Ionia is blonde. Charles has already told us that he is short. I think we know who missed you most Ionia.


  8. Saunved says:

    Hahaha!That was hilarious 😀
    Did I mention that it was coloUrful? 😀


  9. Olivia Stocum says:

    Glad you guys had fun. Especially you, Charles! Cheer up.


  10. keladelaide says:

    You guys are crazy mad. Yes, I’m fence sitting on that one. Charles, there’s no humour without u!


  11. 1WriteWay says:

    Oh, Charles, thanks so much! I think I was starting to go through withdrawals not seeing your usual bantering while Ionia was gone!


  12. JS Riddle says:

    And this is why I love you guys!!!!


  13. Pingback: Blogger Quote of the Week # 3 | Melissa Janda – the Buzz on Writing

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