In the comment section of ‘Spark You Can’t Explain’, Ionia Martin and I decided to return to our old bantering ways. Though, it looks like we might have gone through withdrawal and overdid it. This time, we’re posting it here for those that have the patience and interest to see the insanity. If you aren’t following her blog then you better get over there now. (Left in its original state because I quit formatting after the first bloody hour.)
- ioniamartin says:
You wrote the guidebook
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Yup. Sadly, it was rejected for publication because I used to many curse words.
- ioniamartin says:
Lol mine too. Try again?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Sure. We’ll use your curse words this time around.
- ioniamartin says:
Bloody hell!
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I’ve always wondered. Why is hell so bloody over there?
- ioniamartin says:
Because we off Americans as sacrifices
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Remind me to skip any invitations from you that mention events with fire.
- ioniamartin says:
Or “something”
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That didn’t help the audiobook.
- ioniamartin says:
lol I thought it would be funny. I’d stop and consider every time you said it
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Well as long as I’m not being stuuuuupid.
- ioniamartin says:
I like U’s. Americans under UUUUUse them. Julian will agree with me I’m sure.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
We’re simply to busy to waste time with them. They’re like V’s that let themselves go.
- ioniamartin says:
Really? We have been confused this whole time then. We thought you were too lazy to remember them.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Nope. And we say ‘my’ instead of ‘me’ just to annoy you. It’s written into the Constitution.
- ioniamartin says:
I can think of other things you say that make you less intelligent mortals but I will not repeat them for fear of my dignity being compromised. You do realise that realise is spelled with an S?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Not according the the spellchecker. Careful. This less intelligent mortal has cute dragons and destructive gnomes at his disposal.
- ioniamartin says:
Clearly spellchecker was designed by an American.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Of course. How else are we going to make sure we’re right?
- ioniamartin says:
By checking against the Oxford English Dictionary, of course
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That’s just crazy talk. We invented the dictionary.
- ioniamartin says:
Where do you think you came from?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
They don’t teach sex ed over there?
- ioniamartin says:
We just can’t understand single cell organisms
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Guess biology is a missing subject too.
- ioniamartin says:
We spend more time learning English
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I should hope so since you guys keep telling us how bad we are at it . . . soccer.
- ioniamartin says:
*cough* Wanker
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Throwing an insult is cheating because I can’t throw one back. What happened to chivalry and playing fair?
Beyotch ;P
- ioniamartin says:
further proof that you people can’t spell.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
We’re a creative people. Why should we keep using the same boring words everyone else is using?
- ioniamartin says:
Oh that must be it. Or you have no idea what any of us are saying because we believe in proper speech. Arse.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
We don’t really listen. We assume you’re always talking about tea and how you used to ‘rule’ the world until 13 little colonies kicked your arse.
- ioniamartin says:
We kicked you out. We send all of our rejects to the rock called America
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Only you guys would evict someone and force them to keep paying rent. No wonder we whooped your butts.
- ioniamartin says:
First off it not Butt. Second of all WE do not force you to do anything. You couldn’t figure out the directions anyway. They are written in English.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
First off, I think you meant it’s not Butt. Second, the directions are clearly written in Spanish and Chinese. Third, you’re right. We stopped listening to you guys a long time ago. Must be why we’re so awesome these days.
- ioniamartin says:
Must be that you don’t listen because you are too busy talking in your slang.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Dayum bitches be crazy.
That still makes more sense than bugger all.
- ioniamartin says:
Stop acting like such a radge. Honestly.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Now I’m sure you’re making words up. You short people sure get frustrated and hit gibberish rather quickly.
- ioniamartin says:
I’m sorry. All I heard was “blah blah blah”
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That’s cause you’re too low to the ground. I can kneel down or get you a step stool, so you can hear me.
- ioniamartin says:
Stand up and take it like a man…oh wait…you are standing.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Stop threatening my kneecaps, Queen of Lilliput.
- ioniamartin says:
They are all I can reach according to you.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
The term ankle-biter suddenly comes to mind.
- ioniamartin says:
Leave the squirrels out of this
- Charles Yallowitz says:
If only I could. They’re always around.
- ioniamartin says:
Furry little bastards
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I think somebody keeps feeding them and they won’t go away.
- ioniamartin says:
*hides chips
- Charles Yallowitz says:
*squirrels tackle Ionia* Don’t worry. We have two more of you around here ever since we broke reality.
- ioniamartin says:
3 of you and three of me sounds like world domination
- Charles Yallowitz says:
We can get behind that.
- ioniamartin says:
at least we stayed on topic today.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Of course we did . . . what post was this on anyway?
- ioniamartin says:
That one about that thing. I think you wrote it. I see you standing in that profile picture.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Guess so. That explains the familiar background. So . . . cupcakes and we start again tomorrow?
- ioniamartin says:
Lol yep
- Charles Yallowitz says:
See you then.
- ioniamartin says:
wait…you can see me? What window are you looking in? Peeeeeeeping Tom!!!! Heeeeelp!
squirvert
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Uh, you left your webcam on. Might want to clean up a bit.
- ioniamartin says:
Again? Wait…so did you. Nice hello kitty t shirt btw
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Thanks. It came with a matching skirt, but I didn’t have the legs for it.
- ioniamartin says:
are you sure? Short skirts and shorter legs are in this season. Have you seen my care bear?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
It’s more of a hair thing. Unless I plan on being a professional swimmer, I refuse to wax.
I see him in the corner wearing your bathing suit. I’m not going to ask.
- ioniamartin says:
there you are sunshine bear!
Hey look I found my stuffed animal too.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Okay . . . I think somebody found some tequila in her room.
- ioniamartin says:
nope just a rose
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That still doesn’t explain why you’re dancing on your bed. Are you doing the Macarena?
- ioniamartin says:
No there was a spider
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Oh . . . I was wondering why you had a spider tattoo on the back of your shoulder.
- ioniamartin says:
I didn’t know I was going to have superpowers when he bit me
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I think they call it a rash actually, but superpowers can work too.
- ioniamartin says:
I only got a rash because it was a radioactive spidey
- Charles Yallowitz says:
And Spider-Ionia takes to the streets to fight crime. Though, doing it in your pajamas might not be a good idea.
- ioniamartin says:
Oh never mind that was just squirrel poo
- Charles Yallowitz says:
You really need to clean that room. I suggest using fire.
- ioniamartin says:
Yeah you did make a mess
- ioniamartin says:
I told you fencing with me in the house was a bad idea
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I never pass up a fencing challenge. Besides, you swung at me first.
- ioniamartin says:
Only to protect you from a cupcake tossing ninja squirrel
- Charles Yallowitz says:
You promised you wouldn’t train any more of those. The last batch nearly got us arrested.
- ioniamartin says:
Only because you decided to tell the cop that they were just confused toddlers with a facial hair disorder. He would have believed you if you hadn’t streaked down the street to distract him.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
And using his car as a trampoline was a good idea? How you changed into that bikini without anyone noticing is beyond me.
- ioniamartin says:
I wear it under my spongebob Jammie’s
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That makes perfect sense for some reason.
- ioniamartin says:
Never know when the victim will fall in a pool
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I keep telling you that you’re not a trained lifeguard just because you’re wearing a swimsuit and have a whistle. It’s a slide whistle too.
- ioniamartin says:
Well I don’t get any other attention here so I like my whistle. Stuuuuuff it shortarse.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I think somebody needs a nap, a hug, and a piece of a chocolate. Can you be a dear and get me those things, little hobbit?
- ioniamartin says:
Get them yourself. Wizzard
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Hmmm. They weren’t that important.
- ioniamartin says:
Well one had nothing to do with the other so I should think not. You know, Big Ben is awfully TALL. Shortarse.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
That’s funny coming from half a hobbit.
- ioniamartin says:
At least I am happy that I’m not the bottom half
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Keep telling yourself that. *pats you on head*
- ioniamartin says:
Yes I do rather like talking to myself. I speak excellent English.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
You know talking to yourself is a sign you’re crazy.
- ioniamartin says:
Then you are stuuupid because the word is mad. Besides, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting a different result. You wouldn’t do that, right?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Nope. Not like I continue talking to the same person hoping and expect her to be sweet. Are all backpack girlfriends this cheeky?
- ioniamartin says:
Leave my cheeks out of this. Berk.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
They do kind of puff out like a squirrel. Guess that explains the squirrel queen title.
- ioniamartin says:
Only because I am trying to hide all the cupcakes from you.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
It’s rude to talk with your mouth full. I thought you were all about manners.
- ioniamartin says:
I said proper English I didn’t say shite about manners.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Fair enough. You short people are so temperamental.
- ioniamartin says:
You would know oompa
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I’m Wolverine height, which doesn’t help my case in any way. Still taller than you, so I win.
- ioniamartin says:
Have you ever heard of small man complex?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Yes, but you’re a woman, so you can’t use that excuse.
- ioniamartin says:
Do you always call yourself a woman?
- Charles Yallowitz says:
You review books with that reading comprehension?
- ioniamartin says:
I’m sorry I couldn’t understand you I was reading
- Charles Yallowitz says:
Are we suddenly have three different conversations on the same comment thread at the same time?
If we end up in a padded room, it is so your fault.
- ioniamartin says:
I’d stick my tongue out if I wasn’t so mature
- Charles Yallowitz says:
The correct term is matuuuuuuuure.
- ioniamartin says:
Would that it were all yanks were so easy to teach
- Charles Yallowitz says:
I still refuse to say humour. Humor, humor, humor, humor, humor.
- ioniamartin says:
I still refuse to believe U can’t use U’s
- Charles Yallowitz says:
If we used U’s then what would you criticize us about? See. We do it because we love you guys.
- ioniamartin says:
We would compliment your intelligence because we are very well mannered individuals.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
With some of the most colorful and amusing slang I’ve ever heard.
- ioniamartin says:
G
- ioniamartin says:
you zeem to think you are zo zuperior.
- Charles Yallowitz says:
We iz.
- ioniamartin says:
Such Silly Statements.
Legends of Windemere 
Oh my gosh. That was hilarious
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We’re sane. We swear.
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I wouldn’t test that theory
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I’m sane. He swears.
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You spelled insane wrong.
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In is such an American term
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Thank you Charles and Iona. I needed a bit of humour 😀
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You’re welcome.
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Oh you spelled humour right! I like you!
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thanks
I think mistyped Ionia, My bad.
Anyways when a doctor examines a writer. He only hears only the incessant sound of cuckoo from inside of a writer’s noggin.
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Lol you are so right.
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Awesome.
And I never considered that we don’t use “u”s… interestink.
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Who comments this much? People with no lives or people who are plotting?
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I don’t know, but they both sound like they hate short people.
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I say we lynch them
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I’ll get the squirrels.
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This was absolutely…well…entertaining. The two of you should have a stand up comedy act being that your language is so colourful. Oh did I use a “U” in colour. 🙂
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Everyone takes her side. 😉
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I prefer to look at it as chivalry. 🙂
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Chivalry or fear of her throwing a squirrel at you? 😉
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The squirrel…ummm I forgot about the squirrel. Chivalry be damned, its definitely the squirrel! 🙂
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Dom you are such a gentleman. Thank you my friend. 🙂
(Bite me Charles)
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Chomp
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ow dammit.
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You’re complaining? I chipped a tooth. You’re all bones.
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So first I’m short and now I’m bony? Honestly you are never happy.
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I truly am a miserable wretch.
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yeah but you’re short so i forgive brad
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Great . . . wait . . . You forgive Brad. What about me?
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Does it always have to be about you
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I believe so. Who else should we make it about?
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Some woman who is much better looking than you in a skirt and hello kitty t-shirt.
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Very well. By the way, I want my hello kitty t-shirt back some day.
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only if you give back my barbie dream car
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It’s mine since you drew permanent marker mustaches on all my G.I. Joes.
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Brat
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I know you are, but what am I?
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Sweet. Silly. My best friend. And short too. Can’t forget that.
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Thanks, Bestie. 😉 Wait . . . you’re the smarter one of us, so that makes you Amy Farrah Fowler and I’m Penny? That doesn’t sound right. Also, this joke goes flat if you don’t watch Big Bang Theory.
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I do though, I can’t live without Sheldon.
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Sheldon is great. Oddly enough, Bernadette has become one of my favorite characters. I like the voice change she does and the sweet to vicious running gag she’s pulled out a few times.
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Sweet to vicious? I envy that. I must learn this technique
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You haven’t mastered it yet? Then, what have you been doing to all of us here?
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Leading you into my trap. Now I’m going to do a mind melt on you.
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That explains the colander on your head.
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Obviously. The tin foil is empty btw
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I needed it for cupcakes and my new pirate hat.
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And here I thought it was for tin foil underwear to get better Skype reception
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Ouch. Just ouch.
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Are the tin foil undies pinching?
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Decided to wear them on my head instead. Let’s hear it for using my college education. Proud tradition of wearing underwear on the head.
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Phi beta foil?
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How in the world did we never think of that one? We had so many Phi Beta things and we never thought of foil.
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I blame Reynolds
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Don’t remember him, but that freshman year is rather hazy.
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Quite frankly, even as an American, I’m mad that spell checker puts those little red squiggly lines under the following:
humour, favour, theatre, fervour,
There’s more, but this is already a 20 page post…..LOL
Loved it!
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Thank you. I love that you said that. Further evidence against Charles.
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I’m sure I’ll be hearing his howl here soon! Perhaps I’ve read too many books by English authors, but I type colour often, too, and the red squiggles just flare me up! I wish they would fix that! 😀
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My howl is that I’m impartial. As long as I know what you’re saying, I’m fine with it. That being said ‘bologna’ is one of the worst words in the word.
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Good! I started to worry that perhaps I should have stayed out of the fray! LOL
I agree with you on bologna – because it tastes terrible and I’m not sure anyone really knows what it’s made from – –
But I love saying lasagna –
“La- SAG- na”
😀
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The fray was all friendly fun. Okay. Mostly friendly fun. Somebody always has to get the last word in. Her name starts with Ionia.
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Once there was an elderly couple who lived by a lake in a small community. A woman was killed and they argued for years after whenever they told the story – The man said she was stabbed with a knife, the wife insisted the woman had been killed with scissors.
One day, the husband got so mad over their decade long disagreement, he picked his wife up, carried her over and tossed her in the lake – –
As she went down, she held up her right hand, making the scissor motion with her fingers….
This motion was what Dad would do whenever Mom or I was bent on getting the last word in….
LOL
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That’s a funny story. Kind of sweet too.
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Yes, it’s better when told in person – but, couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share it! 😀
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For stories like that, you have to take the opportunities when they appear.
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🙂 Yuppers!
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What drives me nuts is the iphone. I fight with correcting it all the time. It’s probably funny to watch actually. I swear a lot. 🙂
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LOL – I recently discovered the audio capture for texting and actually sent one text before catching the mistake and accidentally sent to following, as well:
“Peace of crap” –
LOL
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lol I love it
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You guys are nuts. I agree that you should do stand up comedy. It would be like Sonny and Cher. ..only Ionia is blonde. Charles has already told us that he is short. I think we know who missed you most Ionia.
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Supposedly, I’m taller than Ionia. Who missed her most?
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You ask such a question….
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That’s the only way to get the answer.
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You know you missed the banter and you missed her. we all did., but you missed her most. You weren’t even yourself without her, hardly.
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I’ll admit that I was lacking the barrage of comments on my blogs, which tended to keep me awake. Ionia forgot to get a temp. Lesson learned.
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I think he just can’t handle the silence when I am gone. Best friends. Honestly. You can’t kill them and you kind of need them when times are tough. Besides, I bought him off Amazon and I own the movie rights to him.
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Thankfully, she let me keep my power of attorney and half of my free will.
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only because you asked in such a dorky American accent
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I can’t say a word about accents. Ya’ll can’t hear my lilting southern drawl because we are online…BTW Ionia, Charles said you forgot to hire a temp to cover for you. Charles, you know Ionia is irreplaceable!
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I think you could have kept up with him. He gets sleepy if you feed him…just for future reference:)
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The temp wouldn’t have lasted long anyway. Most of us bite.
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Hahaaha! Night night….Ya’ll play nice.
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Hahaha!That was hilarious 😀
Did I mention that it was coloUrful? 😀
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Very colorful. I stand to my spelling convictions. No amount of squirrel threats can change my mind.
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Hahaha! I usually use colorful though…was just squirreling around 😉
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Glad you guys had fun. Especially you, Charles! Cheer up.
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Thanks. Promise to cheer up soon.
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You guys are crazy mad. Yes, I’m fence sitting on that one. Charles, there’s no humour without u!
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Fencing sitting on which one? I don’t remember the full conversation. It was a full day event.
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You saying crazy and Ionia saying mad. It must have been a full day if you couldn’t work it out. lol
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It was. She simply wouldn’t listen to reason. 😀 I know she won’t find this, so I’m safe. I think.
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I wouldn’t put anything past Ionia.
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It’s safer that way.
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Damn straight!
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It is truly amazing how you think I won’t read this. These are MY people after all.
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Sleeping is just a suggestion to you, isn’t it? :p
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Seven days of Saturday is all that I need. For no use for Sunday since I don’t rest in peace. –thanks Bon jovi
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That does sound nice. Though, spending those seven days with Bon Jovi might get tiring. Can I get a different rocker?
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I only love them for richie sambora anyway
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Can I get to hang out with Slash? Just to see his hat in person.
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Wrong bloody band
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I know that, but I don’t want Bon Jovi. You didn’t say I had to stay with the same band.
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Who do you want?
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So many choices. Not sure who I would want to hang out with.
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A poodle smoking a fag?
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Oh, Charles, thanks so much! I think I was starting to go through withdrawals not seeing your usual bantering while Ionia was gone!
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We’re glad to be of service.
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And this is why I love you guys!!!!
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We’d be nothing without our fans.
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LMAO you put on a great show 😀
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We really have to do stuff like this with actual planning.
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Impromptu at its finest though
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True. Though finest might be stretching the term.
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And I love you. Charles is just begging for table scraps.
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while you nom nom on the cupcakes and wine 😀
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Absolutely! And this is why you’re my bestie;)
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always!
now I should have some coffee before the wine….but I’ll bring the bottle, you make the cupcakes.
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