I’m going to be pissy and irritable for the rest of this week. I seem to always have a week where nothing goes right and it tends to be proportionate to the amount of people in the house. As much as I love my family, they’re louder than an elephant with a megaphone stuck in its trunk. Half the time one person is yelling at the other for being too loud, which tends to result in me saying both people are loud then getting a double shot of ‘stay out of it’. For some reason, I always get the ‘I left you alone today’ statement from a few of them at the end of the day. Then they get annoyed if I point out that they didn’t. Speaking very loudly at someone else while standing next to me doesn’t count as leaving me alone. Disappearing for an hour or two and leaving me with the toddler while he’s in a tantrum doesn’t count as leaving me alone. Unlike everyone else around here, I’m not really taking time off from my ‘job’.
That’s possibly the crux of the issue too. I’ve had this week of everyone being around and annoying me at the same time I’m falling off the genre lists. Not being on the Hot New Release definitely slowed down the momentum. I got over 1,500 eBook sales and the sequel will boost it again in theory, but I keep feeling like I’m not working hard enough to keep the momentum going. (I hear the toddler coming after me as I type this, which means everyone else has gone into hiding.) Okay, I don’t feel like I’m working too hard here because I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress. Not on my editing, not on my other books, not even on my blogging. Part of me knows that things cooling off and this week of everyone being in the house is a coincidence, but it’s one that’s happened before. The last time everyone was home for a few days, I got nothing done.
This brings up the question of what the hell is going to happen if I ever make it to the level where I have deadlines. A publisher/agent/whatever isn’t going to accept ‘my family is a pack of intrusive bastards’ as an excuse. I’d go away for a few months to get work done, but the truth is that playing with my son is a great break from writing. I just wish people would watch him long enough for me to get a little work done.
Here’s the kicker of all of this: I have a June deadline. This might explain why I become so panicky if anyone was wondering. When I made the decision to go full speed ahead on my writing career, a ‘deal’ was struck with the parents. They gave me a deadline for success on this entire endeavor. I have until the end of June 2013 to prove that I can make a living off being an author. If I fail then I’m sent back into the world of cubicles where I die a slow, agonizing, soul-crushing death. I have yet to get their definition of success, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. Every obstacle and slip feels that much more terrifying because I don’t know what June will bring. Some days it sounds like I’ve already proven myself while others it sounds like I’m still on the chopping block. The lack of help when everyone in the house makes me feel like I’m being sabotaged. Selling over 1,500 eBooks might not be enough to extend the deadline or prove my point if it ends here.
Several friends have called this ‘deal’ unfair or arbitrary and they’re probably right. I’m just not in the position to really argue it. If they say I fail and I keep writing then I have to deal with intentional interference while I try to work. If things are this bad when they’re trying to help then intentional will see me in a psych ward. That’s the other thing. I REALLY don’t want to go back to the land of human zoos and printer/copiers that jam every 20 minutes. It nearly destroyed me and I’m not exaggerating. My last big job left me with panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, bitterness, and hate that still lingers to this day. I still have a tightness in my chest when going by the exit on the parkway that I used to take. This is the world my family wants me to plunge back into? They despised me when I became that husk of a person, yet that’s my fate if things truly go south.
I admit that the chances of things going horrible get less with every sale and the sequel will be a big help. I should email my cover artist today to see how he’s doing because I haven’t heard from him since early March. Now to close up shop for an hour or so, have breakfast, ride my bike for 11 miles, and then take a mostly toddler day. This was the day I was going to spend a bunch of time with him with a few breaks to check things on-line and give my back a rest from horse-y time.