Well, I’m writing this on Thursday night even though Friday is a big field trip.  The week has been chaotic enough, so I don’t think I can add anything else.  Let me put it this way: As of the writing of this post, I have yet to finish editing chapter 7 of Darwin & the Beast Collector and I started that last Saturday.  I should give up getting any editing done during the week.

So, what went wrong?

My health hasn’t been the best this week.  Part of it comes down to the weather jumping from cold to warm and back again.  Then, you have rain and wind, which mess with the temperature even more.  All of this batters my sinuses to the point where I have trouble focusing.  Doesn’t help that I got my new glasses on Saturday, which made it hard to look at anything bright white like paper.  I worked really slow, which is why I didn’t finish the chapter by Monday.

Well, there was the other health disaster on Sunday.  I tried one of these Celsius drinks before I did 4 hours of Pokemon Go.  Fully intended to finish the chapter that night, but I didn’t realize that this drink had the equivalent of two cups of coffee.  Now, I didn’t feel anything strange until evening when I sat down to dinner.  My appetite vanished, my head swam, and I checked my vitals to find my pulse was staying in the 120’s.  My blood pressure was the worst it had ever been then back to normal 40 minutes later, but it spiked again as my anxiety joined the party.  I probably got 2 hours of broken sleep before heading into a crazy day of work on Monday.  I was forced to use Zzzquil for two nights to make sure I passed out and got some sleep, which worked for a bit.  Still, I began the week utterly wrecked, so I only managed to edit one more page Thursday morning since I showed up really early to work.

Just to sum up the chaos: My schedule had to get changed a few times at work to accommodate absences.  There were a few rough patches that pushed my mental, emotional, and physical limits.  My son had a school trip to see ‘Wicked’ and was nervous about that.  He was also highly agitated about other things that I can’t get into, so we had some heavy discussions.  My ex-wife and I weren’t getting along as well as we are supposed to, which is all I’m going to say about that.  The Internet kept giving me trouble and . . . I know something broke and I had to fix it.  Can’t remember if it was a physical thing or my sanity.

Then there was . . . Fallout?   Last weekend, I did a big ranting post after having several heated interactions both in person and virtually.  I kind of knew something could backfire, but it isn’t like any of my books are selling.  A bunch of reviews disappeared from my books within 24 hours of the post.  I noticed interactions here have been visibly reduced, including likes and views.  This in turn got me thinking about something else . . .

What the heck am I doing?

Nearly 30 years ago, I was a 15-year-old who said he was going to become a successful fantasy author.  Now, I’m almost 45 and I can barely edit a chapter per week much less write anything new.  Much of it is a combination of my brain definitely being damaged from Covid, my work schedule going later to eliminate weekday writing, and the custody schedule created last January causing a ton of stress.  I can really only write during the long breaks, which is December, February, April, and maybe summer.  So, I can’t produce much of anything these days, which means writing isn’t even a viable hobby.  I used to get agitated if I didn’t write within 3 days and now I’m going on nearly 2 years, which might be a big source of my sadness.

Another factor is that I don’t have the money to pay for covers and I haven’t talked to the person who did the Nytefall covers in about 1.5 years.  That’s because I simply didn’t have the money to pay her and that situation has gotten worse recently.  I don’t have the money for advertising too.  No time to do it as well and I can barely keep this blog going, which I’m starting to wonder about.  I’m not writing or doing anything interesting here, so what am I maintaining the blog for?  I know if I let it die then I won’t be able to come back and try again, which might be the reason.  Honestly, I really don’t know if I can ever try to be an author again due to how this ended.  Remembering how many people didn’t really have faith in me and that a few backstabbed me still hurts.  With other life arenas battering my sense of self-worth, I don’t know if I can put myself through it again.

I don’t know if this is the stress from everything building up and giving me a case of depression, but I really do feel lost.  Survival mode for years isn’t healthy.  My solo trip in mid-April to do editing and get away might help, but I don’t know how long the healing will last.  My life isn’t going well.  I think the reason I play Pokemon Go so often is because catching shinies and leveling up gives me some sense of victory.  Considering how many times I’ve lost, I guess I psychologically need something to give me a boost.  It doesn’t answer the question on what I should do with any books I write and finish though.  I will still write when or if I can, but my heart is having trouble trusting my abilities since I can’t be sure I still have any talent.  That’s probably caused more by the brain fog that still shows up at times ever since my first bout of Covid years ago.

So, goals of the week?

1. Finish chapter 7 of Darwin & the Beast Collector.
2. Get a haircut
3. Help son with homework.
4. Go to son’s NYSSMA performance next weekend.
5. Curse the wind gods who won’t leave Long Island the fuck alone.
6. Finish May blog posts . . . Maybe I should repost old ones during July and August?  Would that make sense?
7. Stay away from Celsius drinks.
8. Exercise.