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Welcome to our author store.  First, please know that Do I Need to Use a Dragon? is available as a Kindle eBook for 99 cents.  This has nothing to do with our products, but we have to put a promo in this post somewhere.  By the way, you will find that authors love poking holes in the fourth wall.  A good smack to the fingers will get them to stop for a time, but they’ll try again eventually.

Now, we can help design the author that you wish to purchase.  It is a strange concept, but we assure you that it works.  Once you have your author, you must only keep it alive and capable of writing.  They’re kind of like houseplants, but they cry, get distracted by a variety of objects, and don’t really need sunlight to survive.  They warning about mental stability?  Oh, there are no refunds.  Every author is somewhat crazy, so mental instability is a part of the package.  Otherwise, your author might decide to become something else entirely.  So, what would you like?

Good to hear that gender and body type aren’t important.  Still, skim through this catalog just to give us a general idea.  Let’s start with genre.  We have the always popular romance authors with a subcategory of erotica.  Don’t worry.  They may write about love and sex, but that doesn’t mean they indulge in such things themselves.  Some may write out of a yearning, which is up to you.  Here are our crime drama and historical fiction authors, which require you pick a specialty.  On the roof is where we keep our science fact and science fiction authors because they need fresh air more than the others.  Down those stairs and beyond the hallway full of traps are our fantasy authors.  We need to keep them locked up because they keep trying to either run away on adventures or scurry into the vents where it’s dark.  That causes such a mess because that’s where we keep the horror authors.  Please don’t get too close to the vents.

Let’s go over to our personality department.  This is where you can decide how your author will act.  For example, they can be incredibly overconfident in their abilities or they can have so much doubt that they’ll cry after every paragraph.  I’m sorry, but we don’t provide a healthy level of confidence.  The best we can do is make it that they’ll begrudgingly accept advice and have mild panic attacks after every stage of writing.  We also have packages that revolve around the sociability of the author.  They can be very friendly and big into talking about themselves.  They can be standoffish, but nice once you get beyond their defenses.  We have hermits, social butterflies, talkers, silent types, need to experience whatever they write types, and mediocre writers who are more talented at selling themselves.  That last one is fairly popular, especially in these days of social media.  Oh, there is also our procrastinator model, which we’ll get around to ordering eventually.

The fun part of author creation is this department, which is the quirks.  Forget what your author is going to write or their personality.  It’s the odd things that they do, which will get people talking.  I know what you’re thinking.  Coffee addiction or alcoholism is the way to go.  Those are the classics, but we have more than that.  There can be a love of anything that your author indulges in.  Pizza, herbal tea, Skittles, caramel cold brew M&Ms, and whatever else you can think of.  We have a wide variety of ‘lucky’ items that authors will cling to out of an unfounded superstition.  We recommend get multiples of one item in case they lose the first one.  Just put the new one somewhere to make them think they lost it.  Works best with pencils, erasers, and pens.  You’d be surprised how authors never realize that they use the same ones for years.

Finally, we do need you to fill out a few forms.  This is a living creature you are taking into your home.  It might not be very active or friendly, but it is alive.  So, you need to promise to provide it proper food, water, space, and supplies.  Love and affection?  I guess you can, but that’s not necessary.  These aren’t dogs, cats, or goldfish, so they can exist on those things coming mostly from the voices in their head.  Oh, please remember to nod and act like you understand if your author cries about their characters not listening and changing the story.  Telling them that the characters aren’t capable of doing that just makes them agitated and surly.  So, what kind of author would you like?

One more time, please remember to pick up a copy of Do I Need to Use a Dragon? for 99 cents from the semi-living author behind this blog post.