For anyone who paid attention last Saturday, I haven’t been feeling great.  Nothing contagious that means I need to stay home.  For a little over a month, I haven’t been sleeping well and keep waking up around 2 AM having panic attacks.  The stress has been high and life keeps battering me.  So, I’m struggling to get myself back to being a functional human.  Definitely a long path.

This week was rough because it’s the one before midterms.  So, my son has had a ton of work on top of various doctor appointments.  Work has been busy whenever I’m not with life skills.  Juggling all this while trying to heal has been brutal.  It’s forced me to go to bed around 9:30 with the help of Zzzquil, which has been a godsend.  I still wake up around 2 AM, but I’m getting more sleep since I go to bed earlier.  I got an herbal calming pill from Amazon after some research, which I’m trying to add into the routine.  It makes me drowsy, so morning hasn’t worked out.  Zzzquil is at night, which means I don’t need the pill.  I might just take it when needed and eventually move on to Magnesium supplements because my cortisol levels are probably high.  The anxiety is only really bad in the morning, so I’m leaning towards that theory.

Due to appointments, fatigue, and my son having his Winter Concert (he did great), I didn’t get to touch Darwin & the Demon Game until last night.  Didn’t get to set up any April blog posts either.  I’m hoping this weekend lets me finally get across the 1/3 mark on the book.  I’m two chapter sections away from that goal and I’m feeling like I have energy.  For some reason, writing takes a lot out of me, which might be because I get excited during action scenes and that ups my stress levels.  I’m feeling like a talentless hack too, so that isn’t helping me.  Another reason I’m not rushing to find a cover artist since I’m trying to get over that hump.

Last weekend was pretty wild too.  My son had another Bar Mitzvah to attend, which meant Saturday morning trip to the Synagogue.  I always feel uncomfortable because I haven’t really gone to services since I was a teenager.  Still, we made it through and then got home to do homework.  The party was the next day, which was a source of stress.  My son was going and I wasn’t, so he was nervous.  Last time, he only made it 1.5 hours, so we had to create a system to help him relax.  That meant I spent the afternoon texting or waiting for messages, so no writing.  He made it to the end though.  Hopefully, it’s a sign that he can make it through the next party with more ease.

I wish I had more to talk about, but life is pretty routine and busy.  I tried to get extra sleep today after dropping my car off, which is why I’m doing this now.  If I can get the next book section done before lunch then it’ll be a good step.  That’s really it for the weekend since family is coming over again.  Darwin & the Demon Game might be something that I won’t finish until right before the summer.  Oh yeah . . .

Summer is looking like it’s going to be a challenge.  I’m aiming to be working at my school’s summer session.  Unfortunately, my son has aged out of all affordable summer camps.  We’re trying to find something for him, but it might be him staying at home with my parents.  That’s going to be a problem since I don’t want him playing video games all day.  He won’t if I make a deal with him, but I want him to have some experiences this summer.  This has been one of the bigger sources of stress this week and even thinking about it now is making me dizzy.

Next week shouldn’t be too bad.  Monday is a regular day with a really late appointment, but the rest of the week is midterms.  My workdays will be easier to handle and my son doesn’t look like he has any big tests after Tuesday.  That means we can rest up and relax in the evening instead of rushing around.  I promised him a low key weekend next week with Pokemon Legends: Arceus and maybe a streaming movie.  Both of us want some quiet days with no homework and errands.  If the weather is good, we’ll take a small walk at the park and chat a bit.  Gotta get some fresh air.  Big dreams here, but I’m still trying to revive my energy.

I did start a new TV show, which is another anime.  It’s a magical romance/comedy thing called ‘Fruits Basket’.  I watched an older version back in college, which my female friends enjoyed.  Saw a new and longer version on Funimation, so I’m giving it a try.  Not that bad since it has interesting characters.  It’s about a girl who makes friends with a family whose members are cursed to turn into animals of the Chinese zodiac if they are hugged by a member of the opposite sex.  They don’t change as much as I imagined, so it’s really about their lives, relationships, and past.  A relaxing series to watch even though it’s not my usual interest.  Helps keep me calm as I let the Zzzquil kick in and start falling asleep too, so it might be helping.

Goals of the week:

1. Finish Chapters 5 and 6 of Darwin & the Demon Game.
2. Help son with homework and studying.
3. Keep eating fruit.  Why does everyone scream SUGAR at me with this?  I’m not devouring candy.  It’s like every food I eat is going to kill me.  This is why I give up on diets and eating better.
4. Watch more ‘Fruits Basket’.
5. Work on a puzzle.
6. Tinker with ‘Phi Beta Files’ notebook, which I haven’t touched in a year.
7. April blog posts.
8. Appointments and errands . . . Boo!
9. Continue getting decent sleep and working on anxiety.