This week started off going well, but things abruptly fell apart yesterday. To the point where I’m genuinely starting to believe I’m cursed. Started to feel like I had energy and got a little hope in my heart. Then . . . fucking nightmare on steroids that I can’t even talk about here. All I can really say is that it’s bad enough that the slightest addition of stress makes me feel like I’m going to puke, dizzy, and my shoulders hurt like they’ve just been stabbed. Yay!
I want to talk about the good stuff that happened, but it’s so hard for me to really dive into it. So much work has to be done this weekend, which was supposed to be easy. 90% of it was unexpected or not mentioned until it became urgent. Needless to say, I’m not going to get any writing done this weekend. Last weekend my have been a glitch before the Matrix remembered that I’m supposed to be suffering through my existence. God knows, I couldn’t even get close to my writing once the week started again and my plan to get a little in this weekend has been destroyed.
You know, I’ve never struggled this much with writing a goal post. This blow to my psyche and nerves feels different. Is it because completing almost 3 chapters of a new book made me happy and gave me hope? Prior to that, I was being crushed in a way that was more like the grinding of a boot that was already on me. This time, it feels like I was allowed to stand for a moment and then smashed back down. I’m scared to feel that hope again until there’s fewer things that can batter me. It’s even more extreme than what I felt throughout the school year when I could predict what was going to happen, so I was able to soften the blow. This time just hit so hard and suddenly that it feels oddly personal. Not by those involved, but by whatever entity controls our fates.
As I said, I finished the first 2.75 chapters of Darwin & the Halfling Hunt. It was slow going at first. Then, I got into a groove and made good progress before things got too crazy to continue. I thought I’d get that last chapter section done, but it didn’t happen and who knows when I’ll get another chance. That’s probably another thing that’s making me upset. I hate leaving a chapter unfinished because I worry that I’ll screw up the tone and flow of the events. This one might not have as high a risk as the others, but I’ll still need to check things and might lose more time than I’d like going back. Since I’m still looking at getting very limited writing time, it could end up with me checking the previous stuff and then failing to write until a week passes and the cycle continues. If I can get a little time this weekend and my head together then it might work, but it’s not looking good . . .
WOULD PEOPLE STOP TEXTING ME FOR A MINUTE! Seriously, my phone just went beeping left and right for a whole minute. I see messages from eight different people right now. None are urgent.
Not much else to talk about since I barely touched the TV. Vaguely remember finishing the second season of ‘Arifureta’ and enjoying it, but it’s like that was a lifetime ago. I tried to start ‘Restaurant to Another World’, which seemed like a fun, short story type of series about a restaurant that opens once a week to allow those from a fantasy world to come in for food. It was a random choice, but it might be the best to put on while my brain is steeped in misery. No drama or complicated plot from what I can tell. Just characters doing stuff, finding a door, and getting a meal.
Goals of the week:
- Help son with final projects and studying for finals.
- Juggle stressful chaos.
- Hydrate enough to not pass out.
- Try to keep biking. 5 miles every other day is the goal.
- Get Father’s Day cards for my dad.
- Get my son’s birthday invites ready.
- Maybe video games.
- Watch ‘Glory’ with my son since he missed it in school.
- Note that everything except #2 has to do with this weekend instead of the week.
- Week goal: Survive with minimal crying.