Bart’s Butchery: Meat with a Sprinkle of Magic . . . And Salt

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Welcome to the magical butcher shop.  Take a number and look around to see what you would like.  As you can see, we’re crowded, but move quickly.  Every product has a clear explanation of its effects and a disclaimer.  Also, make sure to cook all meat thoroughly to avoid food poisoning.

  • Ground Beef– Able to fire fleshy balls from fingertips.  Can result in temporary bone hands.
  • Chicken–  Able to discern the ingredients of everything you eat, except chicken.
  • Pork Loin– Enhanced sense of smell and a temporary twisty tail.
  • Venison– Nose glows red and you gain the ability to fly.
  • Bison–  Super strength, but fingers and toes become hooves.
  • Sausage– Fire breath levels depend on spiciness.  Flatulence is a side effect.
  • Lamb–  Sprout fancy wool from body, but will be chased by a blonde girl until power subsides.
  • Veal–  You monster!
  • Turkey– Expand body like a balloon, but intelligence falls to dangerous levels.
  • Hasenpfeffer– Super jumping ability.  Will be terrified of anything that may eat a rabbit, including humans.
  • Ostrich– Super speed.  Gain lots of weight, but its just fluffiness that will disappear after powers are gone.
  • Elk–  Sonic call that can shatter glass and summons all deer in a 50 mile radius to your location.
  • Wild Boar– Monster form and total rampage.  Popular at weddings.
  • Ham–  Natural acting ability is granted.  Will cause an unsightly rash in sensitive places.
  • Caribou– Unending stamina.  If eaten during certain times, you will migrate to the north.
  • Pheasant– Change color of hair and skin.  Nose feathers . . . Need I say more.
  • Kangaroo– Develop a pouch in stomach for storage.  Only side effect is things inside will be stuck in body if not removed before time is up.
  • Alligator–  Hold breath underwater for up to an hour and increased swimming ability.  Very dry skin for a week.
  • Emu–  Enhanced kicking ability and a strong desire to hurt everyone you see.
  • Squirrel–  Can climb anything, but always forget where you put things.  This includes where you put your children.
  • Bear–  Ability to sleep for an entire night without needing bathroom.  If too much is eaten at once, you will hibernate.  (Currently unavailable.)
  • Moose–  Grow giant antlers and the muscles to wield them.  Doorways are a problem.
  • Snake–  Body can bend into any shape, but only works when naked.
  • Racoon–  Now we’re just getting too silly.
  • Human–  Get out.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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8 Responses to Bart’s Butchery: Meat with a Sprinkle of Magic . . . And Salt

  1. noelleg44 says:

    Fun, Charles. It would be nice to eat bear, I think, since a solid night’s sleep would be wonderful. However, I bet I’d have terrible breath afterward.

    Like

  2. L. Marie says:

    More laugh out loud moments. The ostrich was the one that really got me! 😁 😆 😅

    Like

  3. These were great, Charles.

    Like

  4. It would be so nice to sleep all night without getting up. Ah, to be young again…

    Like

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