I’m tired.

Yup, that’s how 2022 is starting for me, but I think most people do that.  Stay up late and then get woken up early.  Either an alarm we forgot to turn off, a child who is still on a sane schedule, a phone call about car warranties, or a bodily function that couldn’t wait for another few hours.  Maybe I’ll start 2023 off with better sleep.

Then again, I need to make it that far first.  The years seem to be getting worse and worse as I get older.  More blows to the psyche from various corners and very few victories beyond having to buy a new calendar.  This is why I don’t hit this time of year with smiles and hopes.  I mean, it would be nice if entering the new year caused all sources of stress to vanish.  Doesn’t happen when you’re pummeled by outside forces, who don’t have anything better to do.  Anyway, I’m just here doing what I always do.  I think . . . That’s where things get shaky.

I ended 2021 thinking about how I barely did any real writing when compared to previous years.  By the time Septemeber hit, I was struggling to design characters much less write a book.  Now, writing time has become so rare that I don’t know what to do when it stares me in the face.  Usually, I’m exhausted.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to do even the smallest bit of writing now because life simply won’t get its jaws off my fucking throat.  It gets worse since I deal with so many people who are happy about the things that are dragging me away from what I love to do.  Everyone thinks I have these other paths, which I’m on for survival and push for them to replace writing.  I feel suffocated and the end of 2021 enhanced that sensation tenfold.

Here is why:  In the 4 days I had free, I only designed 2 characters.  No editing or writing of any kind.  Most of my time was spent stressing over personal life things, which were triggered by a surprise cameo.  I couldn’t focus.  At best, I managed to get about half of the March posts scheduled.  By the time my son came home, I wasn’t relaxed and realized I wasted my time.

You might wonder why I didn’t try to write after my son came home.  We today 2 days to watch ‘Fellowship of the Ring’, went to the zoo, watched cartoons, did some reading, and spent time together.  I might be able to do a little tomorrow if he gets in touch with a friend to play video games with.  Keep in mind that this was all planned, so I don’t regret any of it.  The issues are with how I let the previous 5 days go to waste because I was in a constant state of worry and anger.

I know I said that I wouldn’t do any real writing until mid/late February.  Yet, I’m fearing that waiting that long will erase what little drive and mojo I have left.  Maybe it’s mostly the exhaustion driving my mind wild too.  10 day break and I’m going to end it being just as tired, if not more, than when I started.  Personal life drama and crap sucks, especially when you can’t do anything about it.

Positive news is that . . . My stomach issues finally settled?  These are a chronic issue that comes up when I’m stressed for too long or not getting enough water.  The real test will be next week since I’m back to waking at 5:30 AM and spending most of my day wearing a mask.  Not sure why that second part is wearing on me so much lately.  Though, I was the type to think this mess couldn’t possibly last longer than one school year.  Now it’s just a reminder that I’ve lived through too many once-in-a-lifetime moments.  Give my generation a fucking break or at least toss us a good one.

Don’t have much TV stuff to report.  I watched a few short anime to get them off the list and started ‘Black Clover’ with my son.  Tried a few others and just gave up either after the first episode or when I learned the next season wasn’t available.  Slowly working my way through ‘Log Horizon’ right now.  Another anime where people playing a fantasy video game are transported to the world, but it’s interesting.  I like the characters and how they’re trying to build a society instead of going on adventures.  Sometime next week, I’ll watch ‘Cobra Kai’ Season 4, so I might take a break from this one.

Goals of the week?

1. Back to work.
2. Son back to school.
3. Get info on the 4 week course I’m taking.
4. Maybe design characters for ‘Phi Beta Files’.
5. March post scheduling.
6. Print out Do I Need to Use a Dragon? (Fantasy Writing Tips) 
7. Sleep