Questions 3: Thoughts on Negativity

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First, that’s not good advice.  If the negativity is inside you then ignoring it means you’re letting it fester.  If the negativity is from someone else then you’re doing one of two things.  The first is letting a friend continue to suffer with at least trying to see if they want to talk about it.  The second is remaining in a toxic situation with someone who you’re not able to talk with.

Anyway, here are some questions on the topic.

  1. Do you think those who are constantly negative are really in pain?  Why?
  2. What would you do to help a loved one who is always negative?
  3. What would you like people to do with you if you’re stuck on negative?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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31 Responses to Questions 3: Thoughts on Negativity

  1. ospreyshire says:

    This is toxic positivity 101. I remember being told that and I’ve certainly suffered in silence for a good portion of my life like I’m not allowed to have any negativity (especially anger), but others can be angry and act all crazy, but they get away with it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Monday’s post about negativity and the ‘be positive’ advice was really enlightening. It really made me see how people will try to hide or ignore negativity in themselves and others. You are right that others get away with anger, which I never understand. I lose my temper even slightly and start complaining, people lecture me about staying calm. Others I know do it and they’re listened to then give time to rest with no lecture.

      Liked by 2 people

      • ospreyshire says:

        I see. I’m certainly guilty of hiding my negativity especially in my offline life. It might be why it permeates on certain posts in my blogs either when it’s making a self-loathing post, talking about injustices, or even some bouts of nerd rage. You’ve certainly seen that from me with some posts and with various comments I’ve had with you and others even though the negativity was never towards you at all. It was a way of venting in hindsight depending on the conversation. I was unaware that those situations happened to you, too.

        Like

      • I have trouble hiding my negativity. Every time I try, people end up emotionally pounding on me as if I’m now a wall. Long ago, I realized that keeping things inside for too long will lead to festering. I was getting angry and depressed, so I began letting things out. I was still those emotions, but I didn’t feel as toxic on the inside.

        Sadly, I’ve had a lot of people in my life who think of me as an emotionally workhorse. They feel like I can take whatever they want to dish out and keep on going with minimal complaining. It’s definitely taken a toll on me, which is why I’m working to get better. These posts help because I’m sure I’m not the only one like this.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        I felt pressured to hide it and it felt like I was forced to smile even when I don’t want to. Sadly, I still have a ton of festering and internalized emotions. It didn’t help when I realized how I was psychologically abused in low-key ways until recently especially when it came to covert insults or dog whistles towards me.

        Emotional workhorse? That’s one unique way to describe it. I could consider myself one because I rarely have outbursts and people can assume I can take anything, but when I do reveal my anger, people get scared of me even though I’m doing nothing wrong. It’s relieving to know that I’m not alone.

        Like

      • I know that pressure. Years ago, I actually made a weekly post discussing anxiety. It was on Thursdays and it got a lot of comments. I had to hide it all and stop making new ones once I went job hunting. Everyone was screaming that I can’t let a potential employer see any posts about mental illness or I’ll never get a job. That still seems so strange to me. I was discussing the issue and how to handle it. You’d think people would want to know a potential employee is thinking of how to deal with stress in a healthy manner.

        The only other phrase I’ve used is ’emotional abuse receptacle’. Not the prettiest of the two.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        Sure. I may have to check out those anxiety posts in the near future. It’s so rediculous how that should be a concern for employers. It’s one thing posting offensive stuff or threats online (not that people should do either), but talking about mental health shouldn’t be a stigma. I remember at one previous job where I did use social media as part of my position (mainly the company I worked for, but all of us would promote things on our own profiles), and my boss called me out when I had statuses where I talked about feeling anxious or depressed. I certainly wasn’t lying when I did those things, yet my co-workers would post inappropriate things or swear in different posts, but they never get put to the side.

        Yeah…that’s definitely not a flattering moniker for that situation.

        Like

      • The anxiety posts were made private due to me job hunting. Everyone was yelling at me to do so because it could be seen as a red flag. Seems mental health gets more people in trouble than violent or racist posts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        Okay. Sorry for the confusion there. You do make a great point by bringing up that double standard. How is it that talking about mental health is seen as a dealbreaker for employers, but making violent or racist posts get a free pass more often than not? Don’t even get me started about how Facebook is very selective with those posts in being considered red flags or not and last year’s events really highlighted that with a bunch of companies pulling their ads from that social networking site (and rightfully so on their part).

        Like

      • I remember some jobs where people talked about porn in the breakroom and even behind the counter. Nothing was ever done, but mental health issues got a talking to because it made people uncomfortable.

        I think Facebook and other social media are tough to really understand. Only because I know they depend a lot on reporting by users, so that mechanic gets weaponized by assholes fairly quickly. Though, Facebook is really evil because it comes down to money as well.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        Wow, that’s insane how they were able to get away with that. Mental health is something that should definitely be discussed.

        Right. I’m not excusing the blatant double standards with how certain posts are treated or how a post that isn’t harming anyone can send them to Facebook jail like that one time someone had a hashtag of #SupportBlackBusinesses on her status and was suspended, yet some white supremacist cells on the site were overlooked for example. I’m glad I’m not on FB anymore and it’s not only because of those reasons. I found other people to be really toxic and it hurt seeing people who I thought were my friends saying some very ignorant and hateful things. No disagreement about FB being evil.

        Like

      • I’ve wondered how the white supremacist posts get away with so much. I think part of it is because many people don’t interact with those cells, so they stay in the shadows a bit more often. The white supremacists are also big fans of bombarding other posts with reports to get pages shut down. I see a lot of people talk about reporting them, but it feels like they don’t do it to the same extent. That and the white supremacist groups are much quicker to jump to a new spot. They’re like cockroaches imbued with the powers of the Flash, so they rebuild within 24 hours.

        Last 5 years really upped the toxicity of people. That’s just social media in general though. I see it on Twitter and Instagram all the time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        I have heard about vote and troll brigading as a tactic, but it’s not limited to just them. They are treated with kid’s gloves from what I’ve seen.

        That is so true and I left Facebook close to that time with some of the toxicity with politics and race. Then again, Instagram is owned by FB and Twitter is just a hater’s/troll’s playground.

        Like

      • Only reason I’m still on Facebook is because it’s the only way to keep in contact with a few friends and long-distance family. I don’t even post much there. Instagram is weird. I think it works a lot more off what I search for. That’s why I only see cosplay, anime, animals, and comedy skits.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        I see. At least you’re using it responsibly and that’s a good reason to use FB. Oddly enough, I’ve been more productive without using FB, but that’s just me. I’ve never had an Instagram before, so I couldn’t tell anyone anything about that.

        Like

      • I think most people use Facebook responsibly. It’s just that such an act involves staying in your personal circle. Who would notice that over the screaming manipulators?

        Liked by 1 person

      • ospreyshire says:

        I sure hope so. It gets frustrating with toxicity even if it doesn’t involve current events and politics. I’ve even lost friendships over FB. Fair enough about having a personal circle and how it could (hopefully) drown out screaming manipulators.

        Like

  2. I think that some people who are “always negative” are really in pain, and some are not. It depends on the individual — there’s no ‘one size fits all’ for anything about human behavior. What to do about a loved one who is “always negative” also depends on that individual and what they’re “always negative” about.

    As for what I would want from other people if I’m stuck in negative thinking… First of all, I do not want anyone to accuse me of “being negative” simply because I’m worried about a real problem. When I’m worried unnecessarily, I don’t need empty feel-good platitudes (which are likely to backfire, BTW); I need information to support the idea that the problem is smaller than I currently think it is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Empty platitudes seem to be the norm these days, which is frustrating. I remember getting those in spades every time I made a ranting post. Even when I asked people not to do it, I always had one person who proudly declared they were going to do it anyway.

      It is true that there isn’t one size for negativity. Although, I do disagree that there are some who are not in pain. It might not be the same type of pain, but they have been driven to a gloomy mentality for a reason. It could be physical issues, social standings, mental illness, or any number of things. I’ve met negative people who are abusive and it’s clear they’re that way due to self-loathing leading to acting out. No excuse, but I can see how they’re in some kind of pain. Humans are incredibly fragile when it comes to the spirit and mind, so damage lingers.

      I agree that the response should always be tailored to the person being negativity instead of the one helping. Their situation would require different advice than the situation of another.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve got nothing here, sorry. Dealing with people is not one of my strong suits. I find myself becoming more reclusive and maybe this is part of what you’re talking about. The introvert in me can hang out with someone in total silence and decide I had a great time.

    Like

    • Reclusive and introvert might be related. They can stem from negativity. Though I was aiming more for pessimists and the openly depressed who still interact with people. That’s what brings in the people telling one to be positive.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think those constantly negative are really in pain. I can’t imagine that anyone would want to live their life just being negative. There has to be a reason
    I was married to a loved one who is always negative. The only thing I could do was listen and be supportive of the issues.
    If I were stuck on negative I would like people to remind me that my behavior is unchanged and ask if there is anything they could do to change it.

    Like

  5. Victoria Zigler says:

    1. Yes. People learn to be negative through experiences, so if someone’s constantly negative they have to have had some pretty bad experiences to cause that, and the emotional scars from that would be rather painful.

    2. Offer an ear (since sometimes that in itself makes all the difference) and a sholder to cry on if needed, and then try to help them find something positive to focus on in order to help them move forward.

    3. I’d like people to offer me an oppertunity to share why, maybe offer me a shoulder if I need one, and then help me find something positive to focus on. That’s why I’d do that for others, because it’s what I’d like them to do for me: listen (and I mean actually listen, not just pretend) and offer comfort and/or an oppertunity for me to vent my feelings, and then help me find something positive to focus on so I can move forward.

    Like

    • #2 is so important, so I always wonder why so many people bypass the listening part of helping others. It’s like most people sit there and just wait for an opportunity to give advice or lecture. Reminds me of a runner on the blocks waiting for the starting pistol to go off.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Victoria Zigler says:

        I don’t know either. All I know is I know from personal experience that sometimes listening in itself is a big help, since at least the person feels like someone out there at least cares enough about their feelings to want to try to understand why they have them. Even if there’s no way to actually help resolve the situation, sometimes giving the person the chance to talk it out can help a little. Plus, knowing someone is accepting they have the issues and have the right to have those feelings about them makes accepting the person’s advice about finding things to be positive about easier to handle, since you then know they aren’t just saying, “Stop being negative and be positive,” but are instead saying, “I recognize that you have these feelings, and I’m sorry it’s the case, but it won’t do anyone – even you – any good to dwell on them, so let’s try and focus on something good for a while,” or something like that.

        Like

  6. >Do you think those who are constantly negative are really in pain? Why?
    I actually have a co-worker who constantly complains about her marriage. (Shares more than appropriate for a work setting, but that’s a different discussion.) I can certainly tell her frustrations are real, but because of other experiences I’ve had with her, I don’t know whether to believe all her complaints are true.

    >What would you do to help a loved one who is always negative?
    Question gently and ask if they can tell me something specific that is bothering them. Sometimes they don’t even know why they feel down. Then, if they name something specific, encourage them to pick some actions that they can do to change what’s bothering them. I have to resist making it my problem, though. It’s something that they have to fix.

    >What would you like people to do with you if you’re stuck on negative?
    Ask me what’s wrong, be sympathetic, and encourage me to look for solutions. But, I say that as a person who has never struggled with emotions that were beyond my control.

    Like

    • 1. Those types of complaints are tough. It could be exaggerations to some extent, but relationships are full of those. One person will see a situation one way and the other will see it differently. It leads to a lot of frustration and personal interpretations with very little communication between the actually couple.

      2. Support is good. Never sure about the fixing part. I think there is something to be said for help or at least someone to get the ball started if the pain is coming from something really big. I’ve seen a lot of people simply find out what’s going on and then toss the sufferer into the deep end.

      3. Asking is the first step that so many people forget. Listening gets ignored too.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. lukesparreo says:

    I find it is much more helpful to be a good listener than a good advice-giver when my friends are feeling negative

    Like

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