Dali Shop in FF9
Welcome to the Store Store! What is it you’re looking for? An explanation might be able to clear things up. You see, we supply everything you need to make a store. These are in high demand these days and our Board of Directors, none of who are giant termites, saw an opportunity. Feel free to look around and don’t assume that you have to decide on anything now. Such a decision takes time and information. Let me give you a tour and maybe something will catch your eye. Have this tasty drink and enjoy.
As you can see, we have two categories depending on what you need. Some of our customers need the building constructed from the ground up, so they require extra attention and services. Others have the building already, which means we only have to worry about the codes that involve additions. Our architects have created hundreds of possible designs, but they are always up for a new challenge. For example, we recently had a customer who needed a tower on a small island. I’m talking one that was no bigger than five houses across. It was mostly sand too, so stability was an issue. Unfortunately, that’s where my story ends because our techniques are kept secret from outsiders. Even our customers only get a basic idea of what we do. Otherwise, we’d never get called in for maintenance.
The interior of your store depends primarily on what you are selling. Flowers would require some open windows to get a breeze while ice sculptures need to be sealed off and kept cold. There are still some common basics. You need a front area with registers, which range from a solitary desk to supermarket rows. The variety here is in the level of technology that you wish to use. We have fully automated, computerized registers, abacus, and a several other systems. It really depends on what you are looking for and the level of human involvement you require. I will warn you that fully automated does require at least three live-in mechanics. By live-in, I mean they need room and board within the store because you never know when something will go wrong. Like what? Corrupt software, lost data, fires, attempts to enslave humanity, missing dollar sign keys, and the usual issues.
Here is our art department where you sit in the chair and talk to our various artists. They will help with signage, murals, and whatever else needs a creative touch. Do not feel obligated to listen to all of their ideas because they can get fairly competitive. That’s what the paintball guns are for too. If a heated debate ensues and you are unable to provide a clear answer, the feuding artists have a duel. The usual ten paces, turn, and fire. How do we know who wins if it’s non-lethal? It usually devolves into a small battle that ends once one person is out of ammunition. It’s fairly entertaining as long as you don’t get hit. Feel free to choose a third option if you feel the actions of the others are unbecoming of your brand. Oh, we recently hired a sculptor too. Keep that in mind . . . Yes, I know you are not interested in a store, but you should still keep it in mind.
What do we have left? It’s difficult to do this without knowing what you would want or need. It really isn’t that hard to put a store together when you have a theme. There are the aisles and shelves that range from wooden standard to conveyor belts. Holograms were taken off the market because customers kept mistaking them for real products. Far too many false advertising lawsuits even after we added a ‘this is a hologram’ message on the bottom. I guess that’s really it. Sorry that I couldn’t be of more help. Is there anything you want to do before you leave? Do we have a bathroom? I’m sorry those are only for paying customers. Would you be interested in a small calendar kiosk?
Legends of Windemere 
Yay! A Store Store is just what I’ve been looking for.
First, what’s in that drink you offered? One can’t be too careful these days.
Second, are you sure your board of directors are not giant termites? What guarantee can you offer that they aren’t? Are they at least human or humanlike?
Third, any guarantees that the store you provide will help me turn a profit in my store?
Fourth, how are you at designing security systems for these stores? Not that I’m nervous or anything about my valuable merchandise. Just checking.
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We aren’t legally allowed to reveal our drink secrets. We can guarantee that our Board is 95% humanoid. There’s one cat that came in one night and refused to leave, so she gets a vote. We only build the store, so profit is up to you. Need to talk to Daniel’s Promo Hut. Here’s our security manual. We outsource to a group of former thieves who do periodic tests.
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O. . .kay. I guess I can trust some former thieves to be honest.
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You’d be surprised how often that works. They know the tricks, but don’t want to be criminals any more. Happens a lot in TV and movies.
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Loved the artists working it out with paintball guns. Would be terrific to watch. I can let them use my chain guns if it’s okay with you. I’m going to open a dynamite store and will need some demonstrators. Do you have folks who do that?
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Paintball chain guns? That sounds both terrifying and awesome. As far as dynamite demonstrators, that’s part of employment. We request that you handle such a task because we have concerns about legal liability.
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Well, okay. Maybe I’ll hire Winter Texans.
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I want to open a Congress and sell bullshit. Cost is not an issue, because we’ll get it back in taxes.
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We’ll put something together, but Congress stores tend to do nothing. They still make a fortune, but nothing ever gets done.
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As long as the profit is there.
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Okay, the Store Store made me chuckle. Now to actually read the thing… (elevator music…)
I’m interested in a witch store. I mean, things for witches, not selling the witches themselves. Although perhaps I can have a bulletin board where they advertise their services.
Anyway! An out-of-the-way location, so the masses won’t wander in. A cottage in a swamp, perhaps, or a cavern in the mountains. A cavern could have just one access point, good for security, I think. Exterior decorations to make it forbidding — again, to deter random curious people. Then the usual potion ingredients, books of spells (or blank, so you can record your own), rugged black cloaks, wands and brooms and cauldrons, oh my!
I am getting way too much into this.
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So, a Hansel & Gretel special minus the candy. We can replace that part of the package with items from our lost hiker nightmare section. You’d be surprised how often those get asked for.
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Lost Hiker Special? Sounds interesting! Maybe I should just get an espresso machine and send them on their way. With a little something in the brew to blur their memory of the place but not strong enough to stop them getting back where they belong.
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So, a Starbucks espresso machine?
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