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Welcome to the biggest sale of the year. Well, it’s our only sale of the year because we’re only open for a week. Since we only do rentals, there’s no point in staying open and wasting money. This system keeps most of our clients on the same payment schedule, which our Accountant Ogre prefers. She’s not really an ogre, but she doesn’t like being reminded that she’s a demon. We do have a call service for the rest of year, so don’t think we abandon you completely. So, what are you looking for?
Islands are always popular, which means the best ones tend to go in the first day. This is our fourth day, so the pickings on that category are a little slim. We have one with a volcano and a few that still have the indigenous people living there. Part of the contract for these locations is that you don’t remove, enslave, or hurt them in any way. We do know that accidents happen in the cause of a battle, but nothing on purpose or done with the knowledge that you will hurt them. Too much responsibility? Well, we have some empty islands that range from icy to desert. There’s this one that has no animals other than emus.
Yes, we can discuss the buildings, which are interchangeable in some instances. We have a helicopter fleet that can transport these places piece-by-piece. Ancient castles are going out of style, so we rent those for cheap. The problem with them is that you can only modernize it with permission from the original owners. We have a seance service in those cases, but most find that to be a headache. Literally because these ghosts like to talk telepathically. I would recommend the military fortress surrounding a rich manor. It’s a little on the pricey side, but you have great defenses and excellent comfort. The manor also comes with a man-made hot spring that doubles as a power source. Don’t ask how it works because our scientists refuse to share their secrets.
You must be thinking of defenses now. Now, the inside of the buildings are all up to you because you need to have your own mark on it. Those can be removed if you trade it in anyway. The rest of your lair can be outfitted by us. Sadly, we are out of drones until next month because one person took most of our stock. Calls himself the International Peeper and his check cleared. Depending on the island type, we can offer various biological creations. Dinosaurs are still popular and we have scaled and feathered versions. Can’t go wrong with more common wild animals like bears and tigers, which many heroes work to defeat without killing these days. There’s a cybernetically enhanced rodent package too that isn’t popular, but we contend is effective. Squirrels with robotic arms to hurl acorns at high speed, spy mice and rabbits, battle capybara, and . . . laser-shooting otters. Yes, I know those aren’t rodents, but we don’t have a weasel package. Not since badgers escaped and sunk all of East Virginia. Of course, you never heard of that place. We’d feel rather silly allowing humanity and history to remember that it existed after that fiasco.
Now, I’m going to leave you with Susie to finish the paperwork. Who is Lorry? That’s actually a family name. All of us are Lorry . . . Yes, I meant ‘a Lorry’. Here’s a crueler to get you moving quicker.
Legends of Windemere 
What a hoot, Charles. Still thinking of the badgers that sunk West Virginia.
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Nobody seems to have noticed it disappeared either. 🙂
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Ha haha.
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Ha ha! Hilarious! The sinking of East Virginia would make a great movie!
Do you have anything with beavers?
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A few forest hideouts that include a lake or river. Beavers can be added if they aren’t already there. You have to pay extra for a pre-made dam though. We suggest letting them do whatever they do. There isn’t much that they’ll do as far as defense, but they provide some decent ambiance.
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I’ll take the pre-made dam. Those can come in handy!
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Barrel capybara? You are on your game today.
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They match up perfectly with small henchmen. Like wargs, but with a love of cheese . . . and human flesh.
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Do you have anything in the way of an abandoned insane asylum? Preferably haunted. If not, what about something from WWII that’s haunted? I’ll take the cyborg rodents and laser shooting otters please. Anyway I can get a few saber toothed tigers?
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We prefer not to work with previously haunted areas. This way our clients can choose their own ghosts. Asylums are fresh out because they don’t come on the market as often as you would think. A few of our remaining islands are in the Pacific and have some WWII connections. Again, the ghosts are purchased separately. I would be careful combining undead with saber-toothed tigers. Ancient animals are very sensitive to such things and they can become difficult. By difficult, I mean they will eat your henchmen.
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Do you rent out ghosts then? If so, I’ll take a few gross. A Pacific Island would be fine. As long as the saber tooth tiger eats my enemies and leaves me alone I’ll be happy. If that’s not possible, do you have any war elephants?
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We can provide a necromancy service. Ghosts aren’t like zombies, so you can’t do them in bulk. Each one tends to be fairly unique. As stated, we can’t guarantee the tigers will obey you due to the ghosts keeping them on edge. War elephants are available in two packs.
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Okay, I’ll take the necromancy service for ghosts and give me two two packs of war elephants… do you accept buried pirates treasure for payment?
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We prefer the treasure be unburied and verified as authentic by our Accountant Ogre.
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Can I get one under a lake, with merfolk as guards?
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We’ll check our stock. Merfolk tend to be more saltwater than freshwater, but we can call our Head of Inventory.
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If not merfolk, perhaps swanmays?
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We can do that. Just need to double check our licenses.
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