So, I’m not really sure what to write here. Feel like I should say something though since the book is delayed and I’ll be a rarity on Sunday and Monday. Tomorrow will be spent preparing for the health thing on Monday. Not going into the ugly details on any of this and I’m hoping this brings in some answers to a chronic issue I’ve had for the last couple of years. Be nice if it ends up being something curable. Guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens.
I got a little work done on Ichabod Brooks outlines and this should have been the last week that I have to drive my wife to and from work. It’ll depend on how quickly she regains mobility of her arm since there’s stiffness and atrophy. She’ll be trying to drive around the block today, so we’ll see what happens there too. Feels like all I can do these days is wait and see because I have no control over anything. The urge to further with this line of thinking is strong, but it’s backfired a few times. People walk away, those who lurk come after me with questions outside of the blog, and I get the long line of supportive statements that, I hate to admit, don’t have much of an effect on me.
Hell, I’ll take a step into this realm since it’s been a year of depression for me. Have you ever reached a point where you feel like you’re living for other people? No matter what you do, at least 90% of your activities and actions are because someone needs or asks you to do it? Your own goals and projects get pushed to the side while you lend a hand or take on an added responsibility to take pressure off others. Yet, there is never a point where you catch a break. The stress and pressure remains along with promises that you can relax, but somebody else steps up to the plate the instant the last one moves back to give you a breather. You become nothing more than a gradually eroding workhorse that can’t pull even a glimmer of joy from his/her own activities.
Maybe this is why Ichabod Brooks stuff is taking so long to outline. Moments of inspiration and drive are fleeting since I’ve been doing so much. If I’m not tending to my wife, I’m wrangling an enraged 8-year-old and draining myself. I noticed a while back that I don’t even food shop for myself since most of the items on the list are either for the entire house or other people. Throughout it all, I’m repeatedly asked how my writing is going and if I’ll continue in 2018. It’s now done in a way that I know the questioners are hoping for me to resign myself to failure. All those posts about support and I’ve been standing here on a shaky pedestal that can be knocked over with a sneeze. Doesn’t help that I have no idea what I can or should do next. I’ve looked for an agent, publishers, cover artists for the future projects, and even people that might be able to transform my books into comics or cartoons. No luck and that might be because I feel rather broken.
Honestly, this came to a head Friday when I was running errands and realized that I had only one week before my son’s break. I might still be releasing Warlord of the Forgotten Age and being a rarity online since I don’t think January releases are any good. That’s if I can get to it since long breaks result in me being pestered to have a full day event planned every day. I’m simply not allowed to let him play in the house while I get work done unless I accept the irritating guilt trips. This has been my life all year and I’m finding myself repeatedly asking if I exist solely for other people. Writing about fate and destiny has caused me to consider my own cosmic role, which never ends with a decent answer. The floor has been ripped out from under me so often that part of me doesn’t want to get up any more.
As weird as it sounds, I think another factor is that I’ve been reading manga and watching anime a lot. Specifically, the grand adventures like One Piece, Fullmetal Alchemist, Soul Eater, Fairy Tail, and I just started in on original Dragon Ball. These are either iconic or getting there and beloved in multiple countries. They’re also very similar in tone and focus to what I’m doing, so I’m almost hurting myself by diving into series that have achieved what I want. Being unable to draw or animate means I can’t go this route, but that doesn’t really make me change my mind here.
Guess I went into this more than I wanted, but I have nothing else to say. I did nothing for myself this week. Presents for others, driving for others, and errands for others. Doesn’t even look like I’ll be given any real time for recovery after Monday since people keep saying it’s a standard procedure that everyone gets. Seems to ignore the fact that this is being done because there’s a problem, which means it will either find an issue or lead to other tests.
So, what will I do next week?
- Medical procedure takes precedence.
- Work more on ‘The Longbow of Ichabod Brooks’ outlines.
- Continue search for new cover artist. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
- Get back into biking unless I’m driving again.
- Car needs an oil change.
- Return to being my son’s chauffeur for martial arts.
- Keep reading Dragon Ball.
- Figure out days during break to do the Lego sets my son will be getting. 2 of them are over 1,000 pieces. I’d hope for a few days of snow, but those result in me having to be outside instead of inside.