Robin Hood in Men in Tights
Welcome to the place where you too can become a magical archer. Just like all of those other archers that you’ve seen on television, movies, or read about. What do you mean not all of them are magical? Do they rarely miss even from far away and aiming at moving targets? Do their weapons never break regardless of usage? Well, there you have it. Now, step over here and take a few shots to let us know what we’re working with.
One skimmed shot, two in the second circle, and one in the shoulder of our secretary who was half a building behind you. I can see we’re going to need a lot of work and somebody is about to file for workman’s comp. Just walk it off, Marcy, and get a healing potion from the break room! You can take the rest of the day off too. So, you might be wondering what we have to do now. If you were thinking that the lessons will begin then you’re wrong because my job is only to determine your classes and gear. A book list will be giving later and I assure you that they can double as weightlifting.
First, I’m going to give you a basic quiver of endless arrows because enchantment preferences aren’t picked until your second semester. That can be elemental charges, transformations, or simple power and speed enhancements, so it doesn’t hurt to think about things now. Your arms shake a lot, so I’m going to put you down for stabilizing bracers. These go on your forearms and prevent the muscles for shaking while releasing a calming spell. Given your height, I’m thinking a longbow, but the crossbow is another possibility. Only because you seem jittery and I find it harder to aim with a longbow than a crossbow. Keep in mind that I’m trying to figure out how to protect the people standing behind you. Maybe a peacock shield belt that’s designed for someone bigger. The barrier goes up from your back and fans out, so that could stop the arrow. It will result in you getting smacked in the neck and head at times.
Did you have a certain occupation in mind? Gardener? Oh, you’re already a gardener and the squirrels are giving you trouble. Have you ever considered getting a dog or hiring a professional. The rabbits ate your dog and the professional hasn’t been seen since the elk arrived. Far be it for me to ask for clarification, but it sounds like you only need a part-time student package. No need for history or advanced tactics since you’re targets are animals. All you need to know is how to shoot without getting yourself in the head, which is a cheap program. If you’re willing to put in the time, we can put you on a two week . . . What was that?
I’m sorry, but did you say that ogres took over your house and have kidnapped your family? Sir, I don’t think you need lessons. I believe you need a professional that can solve your problem right away. Yes, revenge stories are popular, but ogres are known for eaten people. Don’t you think it’s smarter to handle this quickly instead of learning a skill that you obviously have no gift for. Sorry if I insulted you, but I’m just worried about your family. How did they know the risks when they took the job? You built the farm on ogre territory and buried a murdered shaman under your house. Nope, I’m just pulling this rope for my own amusement. It isn’t like we have people on the premises who will remove you before your curse causes trouble. Have a good day, sir.
Legends of Windemere 
Fun one. Have you ever tried to shoot a bow? It’s not real easy to do.
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I have. Long ago, I went to a dude ranch and tried to use a rifle. The kickback sucked on my shoulders, so I quit. Found an archery section in the corner of the shooting range and spent the week going there for an hour every day. It was just goofing off, so I don’t have any skill with it. Although, I won the kid tournament.
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Good knowledge to have when you write about it though.
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True. Same goes for my fencing experience. Not the way the characters fight, but enough to give me an idea.
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I always said, it doesn’t have to be perfect, just plausible.
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If not plausible then so far out there that people feel silly questioning it.
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Ha ha.
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I was never good at archery. So your secretary would be safe with me around! I’m better with throwing knives, since I at least have one of those. 😀
Hilarious post! And so true. Movie and TV archers never miss and never need new weapons.
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Nobody ever claims to be an expert at shuriken. 😛 It’s amazing how often arrows punch through whatever they hit. You really only see Green Arrow occasionally ricochet in a cartoon or comic. Hawkeye too, but not in the movies.
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So true. I often wonder what the arrow heads are made of that they can punch through anything.
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Writer-fortified steel. 😛
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This was some of your best humor. I laughed through it and was especially tickled by Marcy getting hit one block behind. Too funny, Charles.
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Glad this one worked. Always feel like these are hit or miss. Poor Marcy.
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Ha ha ha. At least Marcy got the day off.
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And a healing potion.
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True
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Hi there! I want to be an archer! I stopped at the main building, but there wasn’t anyone there, just a trail of blood leading to what looked like a break room.
I want to master the yew bow, can you help? What’s that? No, I said YEW not YOU!
Anyway, I want to be a hero, or maybe a villain, or maybe even an assasian! I have the qualifications, I was a farm boy, my family was killed, either by bandits or the kings guard… hmm? Oh, I was out in the forest chasing the dog… unfortunately an alligator found him first. Why yes, these are alligator skin boots I’m wearing, I’m handy with a short sword.
So can you help me? Maybe I should become an outlaw like Robin Hood!
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I’d like to help, but it sounds like this place is now a crime scene. Can’t really do business with all that blood and a bunch bodies. I can suggest someone who is affordable and talented to help you. They’re good with a yew bow, so it might be a better fit. Mostly because all of our fletchers were in the main building.
We get a lot of Robin Hood people here. Always gets interesting with tuition. Are you talking Flynn, Costner, or Elwes?
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Flynn of course! He was the best, plus I think his sword fight was the most epic, the use of shadows in the fight scene was great.
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True, but I think I’d go with Elwes. He has the script memorized. Sadly, he did lose the shadow part of his fight with Rottingham.
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Hahaha, nice!
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Thanks. 😁
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May I suggest a contract with Mr. Brooks?
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We would do that, but he doesn’t take students. No interest in endorsements either.
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True, but he could take care of the squirrel problem in a matter of minutes.
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Well, that’s not our problem. If this guy wants to get Ichabod then he’s welcomed to do it. Our only business is training archers and selling equipment. Best not to get involved in the other stuff or we’ll get people coming to us for adventurer recommendations. There’s no money in that and that blood-covered break room isn’t going to clean itself.
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Perhaps you should ask Mr. Brooks for a commission for every client you send him. Although I hear it’s his wife who deals with contracts, and that she once made her superior officer cry like an infant.
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Actually, he deals with the contracts. His wife advises and he does the same for her jobs. Commission is a pain in the adventuring business, so I doubt he’ll go for it.
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Ah, I see. Thank you for the clarification.
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No problem. You don’t get that other side since she hasn’t made an appearance in the stories yet. Always about his jobs so far.
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