Straight As an Arrow Archery School & Pincushion Pavilion

Robin Hood in Men in Tights

Welcome to the place where you too can become a magical archer.  Just like all of those other archers that you’ve seen on television, movies, or read about.  What do you mean not all of them are magical?  Do they rarely miss even from far away and aiming at moving targets?  Do their weapons never break regardless of usage?  Well, there you have it.  Now, step over here and take a few shots to let us know what we’re working with.

One skimmed shot, two in the second circle, and one in the shoulder of our secretary who was half a building behind you.  I can see we’re going to need a lot of work and somebody is about to file for workman’s comp.  Just walk it off, Marcy, and get a healing potion from the break room!  You can take the rest of the day off too.  So, you might be wondering what we have to do now.  If you were thinking that the lessons will begin then you’re wrong because my job is only to determine your classes and gear.  A book list will be giving later and I assure you that they can double as weightlifting.

First, I’m going to give you a basic quiver of endless arrows because enchantment preferences aren’t picked until your second semester.  That can be elemental charges, transformations, or simple power and speed enhancements, so it doesn’t hurt to think about things now.  Your arms shake a lot, so I’m going to put you down for stabilizing bracers.  These go on your forearms and prevent the muscles for shaking while releasing a calming spell.  Given your height, I’m thinking a longbow, but the crossbow is another possibility.  Only because you seem jittery and I find it harder to aim with a longbow than a crossbow.  Keep in mind that I’m trying to figure out how to protect the people standing behind you.  Maybe a peacock shield belt that’s designed for someone bigger.  The barrier goes up from your back and fans out, so that could stop the arrow.  It will result in you getting smacked in the neck and head at times.

Did you have a certain occupation in mind?  Gardener?  Oh, you’re already a gardener and the squirrels are giving you trouble.  Have you ever considered getting a dog or hiring a professional.  The rabbits ate your dog and the professional hasn’t been seen since the elk arrived.  Far be it for me to ask for clarification, but it sounds like you only need a part-time student package.  No need for history or advanced tactics since you’re targets are animals.  All you need to know is how to shoot without getting yourself in the head, which is a cheap program.  If you’re willing to put in the time, we can put you on a two week . . . What was that?

I’m sorry, but did you say that ogres took over your house and have kidnapped your family?  Sir, I don’t think you need lessons.  I believe you need a professional that can solve your problem right away.  Yes, revenge stories are popular, but ogres are known for eaten people.  Don’t you think it’s smarter to handle this quickly instead of learning a skill that you obviously have no gift for.  Sorry if I insulted you, but I’m just worried about your family.  How did they know the risks when they took the job?  You built the farm on ogre territory and buried a murdered shaman under your house.  Nope, I’m just pulling this rope for my own amusement.  It isn’t like we have people on the premises who will remove you before your curse causes trouble.  Have a good day, sir.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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30 Responses to Straight As an Arrow Archery School & Pincushion Pavilion

  1. Fun one. Have you ever tried to shoot a bow? It’s not real easy to do.

    Like

  2. L. Marie says:

    I was never good at archery. So your secretary would be safe with me around! I’m better with throwing knives, since I at least have one of those. 😀

    Hilarious post! And so true. Movie and TV archers never miss and never need new weapons.

    Like

  3. This was some of your best humor. I laughed through it and was especially tickled by Marcy getting hit one block behind. Too funny, Charles.

    Like

  4. Hi there! I want to be an archer! I stopped at the main building, but there wasn’t anyone there, just a trail of blood leading to what looked like a break room.
    I want to master the yew bow, can you help? What’s that? No, I said YEW not YOU!
    Anyway, I want to be a hero, or maybe a villain, or maybe even an assasian! I have the qualifications, I was a farm boy, my family was killed, either by bandits or the kings guard… hmm? Oh, I was out in the forest chasing the dog… unfortunately an alligator found him first. Why yes, these are alligator skin boots I’m wearing, I’m handy with a short sword.
    So can you help me? Maybe I should become an outlaw like Robin Hood!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d like to help, but it sounds like this place is now a crime scene. Can’t really do business with all that blood and a bunch bodies. I can suggest someone who is affordable and talented to help you. They’re good with a yew bow, so it might be a better fit. Mostly because all of our fletchers were in the main building.

      We get a lot of Robin Hood people here. Always gets interesting with tuition. Are you talking Flynn, Costner, or Elwes?

      Liked by 2 people

  5. May I suggest a contract with Mr. Brooks?

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