Dirty Dan’s Discount Cars & Bikes: All Trades Welcomed

Posted on February 13, 2017 by Charles Yallowitz
Mad Max Vehicle

Mad Max Vehicle

Welcome to Dirty Dan’s where we supply the good, bad, pretty, ugly, and desperate of the Shattered States.  You can’t get very far without a vehicle and I see that you have plenty of canned beans to trade.  Not that it’s the only thing I want, but it seems that’s all you have and it’s better than not eating.  Mind if I ask how you came to own such a collection?  I mean, it isn’t really my business, but it’s rather cliche and we still have some of the old foods like hot dogs and tomatoes.  Fine, I’ll show you around the floor.

As you can see, we trade in vehicles of all sizes.  We have motorcycles, small cars, sedans, limos, trucks, vans, and one Prius that keeps getting returned to us.  Not sure how it comes back and I’ve run out of ways to outfit it.  No sale, huh?  Yes, we have plenty of pickup trucks, but they do have a flaw that I should point out.  Unlike other vehicles, you can’t put a lot of weaponry on it unless you want to sacrifice storage space.  The bed means there isn’t a lot of roof space and people can jump on without getting shaken off very easily.  On the other hand, it is popular with those who are involved in transporting.  If you have any friends then you can have them sit in the back with guns.

The engine isn’t top of the line, but nothing really is these days.  It will get you from place to place without sucking up too much fuel.  These things aren’t very fast, which is why I put armored plating on the doors and hood.  You don’t want anyone to shoot the engine block.  Not much I can do about the tires though.  We tried putting protective covers on them, but those had a habit of denting and doing the puncture themselves.  A rival puts chains on the tires in the hope that the bullet will help them.  There’s a reason she doesn’t get repeat customers.  Oh, I’m out of bulletproof glass, so I’ll throw in a better sound system to make up for that.

Let’s get to the real fun of weaponry.  We have spikes, machine guns, harpoons, flamethrowers, grenade launchers, electrified beds, rocket launchers, battering ram, and . . . saw blade launcher?  I haven’t seen one of those in a while, but I know a guy.  Not the most dependable things, especially if you mount one on each door.  It can also risk the doors from falling off the hinges because they’re heavy.  To problem is that the blades can get stuck in the mechanism or get fired backwards.  Okay, we’ll think of something else that can do similar damage.  I can put long arms with spinning blades on the hood that you move up and down to attack other cars.  Machine guns are always tried and true, so good idea on those.

Do you want any non-combat extras?  Sure, I can put a mini-fridge on the bed and have it open into the cab.  Protecting stuff in there can be done with a tarp or removable plank since anything complicated is just asking to be destroyed.  This is what I said about trucks since the more you add, the less space you have.  An aquarium?  I guess I could find a place for that, but I don’t think it would be a good idea.  Fish can get stressed out pretty . . . Snakes, huh?  Now that I can work with.  Are we talking boas, rattlers, vipers, pythons, or harmless ones?

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About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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21 Responses to Dirty Dan’s Discount Cars & Bikes: All Trades Welcomed

  1. John W. Howell's avatar John W. Howell says:
    February 13, 2017 at 10:25 am

    LOL on the Prius. Need a pretty long extension cord.

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  2. coldhandboyack's avatar coldhandboyack says:
    February 13, 2017 at 10:45 am

    Great shoppe post. PS: your new pinned tweet cracked me up.

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  3. Colin Noel-Johnson's avatar Colin Noel-Johnson says:
    February 14, 2017 at 12:27 am

    I’m in the market, Dan, I either want a nice pickup with an anti aircraft gun from WWII on the back, or a WWII jeep with a machine gun mounted on the hood, or a Ford model T with suicide doors, running boards and several Tommy guns. Got any of those in stock?

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  4. Nicholas C. Rossis's avatar Nicholas C. Rossis says:
    February 15, 2017 at 9:58 am

    That Mad Max vehicle looks like a hedgehog. What’s the point of all those spikes, anyway? They look pretty decorative to me.

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    • Charles Yallowitz's avatar Charles Yallowitz says:
      February 15, 2017 at 10:18 am

      Wouldn’t be surprised if it was called a hedgehog. As far as the point of them, I think it’s two-fold. Remember that there’s a lot of car combat, which includes ramming. Those spikes can cause damage and even stick the cars together for passengers to jump over. You also have less of a chance of someone leaping onto your vehicle.

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