Pirate Captain from ‘Pirates: Band of Misfits’
So you find yourself having to cross the sea, which is either the fifth or the third. You already lost the map to an ornery gull, but you remember the advice you received from a friendly pirate. At least his name tag said he was a pirate. Maybe it was Patrick and he had bad handwriting?
- If it’s your first time at sea, don’t stuff yourself at every meal. The veterans might tease you and you’ll not get dessert every night, but your stomach will thank you. Especially if there’s a storm because then they’ll have to design a phrase that is worse than ‘chumming the waters’.
- When in the crow’s nest, don’t announce the appearance of every fish and creature that you see. Yes, we know you love dolphins and the captain told you a story about ship-swallowing sharks. That doesn’t mean you act like a PBS nature special and forget to warn everyone about the reef, which will be your home for the foreseeable future.
- Do not swashbuckle within the rigging unless you have no other choice. Rope doesn’t grow on trees. Even if it did, do you see any trees in the open ocean? Let’s not forget that the only reason the pirates climbed up there was because you went first and started insulting their mothers.
- Working off the previous point: Stop talking like a pirate. Nobody understands what you’re saying and they’re pretty sure this national holiday you speak of ended after the first 24 hours.
- Keep track of your navigation equipment. This includes no dropping of compasses, no eating while reading maps, no fiddling with the captain’s sextant while giggling, and keep your hands off other people’s spyglasses. If you fail to do all this and are asked for directions, all you can do is look at the sky, pretend to read the stars, and pray nobody on the crew can actually do what you’re about to fake.
- Never throw a harpoon at an animal when you’re not sure of its size. That average-sized fin could be part of a regular sharp. It could also be the smaller dorsal fin of a large-mouthed monster of the deep that hates getting poked in the eye. While we’re on this subject, nobody cares about your opinion on if the tentacled whale is a mammal or a mollusk. Either way, you threw a harpoon into its blow hole, which doesn’t really earn you a round of applause.
- Don’t grab part of the rigging to swing over to another ship. Not sure what the movies told you, but this isn’t really a smart idea. Grab the wrong rope and you’re simply swinging around your own mast. Seriously, the thing is attached to your ship, so how is it going to swing as if it’s connected to the enemy? Not to mention this puts you out in the open with no weapon in hand. Just jump the gap, stick to range attacks, or use the gangplanks like everyone else.
Legends of Windemere 
I say goad your friends into swinging over first. Does Siri work at sea?
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If you mean #7 then I can just imagine several crew members going around the mast like it’s a may pole. Siri’s usage would depend on satellites. Also, she’ll get you in trouble if there’s that old sailor that keeps saying ‘women and sailing don’t mix’.
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Bad luck and all that. Love it.
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I don’t have much experience on the open seas. We only go off shore about twice a year. I went to the Bahamas on a cabin cruiser once. We hit a reef coming back. Knocked a huge hole in the boat and damaged the reef. My boyfriend at the time was fined $10,000.00 and had to pay to have the boat towed, not to metion the repair bill. He also had to do 60 hours of community service whacking bushes at a kids camp. I don’t think the fines were as stiff in Pirate days, but we might have sunk. I’ve never been a cheap date.
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Ouch. That fine seems insane, but I’ve read about how fragile reefs can be. Wonder if pirates worried about such things.
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Only the holes they could cause and steering around them
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Great list Captain Yallowitz. Swashbuckling is always dangerous. Not only is the rigging in danger but think of dropping a sword on a hapless crew member.
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Never thought of that risk. Maybe it’s best we sleep through the battles.
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🙂
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Arr! I be thinkin’ that ye should be made to walk th’ plank if’en ye don’t be talkin’ like a pirate on me ship! If’en ye insist on talkin’ in yer normal voice, I’ll make ye walk the gangplank before I have ye keel hauled.
When ye swing from the riggin’s ye hold yer knife or dagger in yer teeth, just watch where ye land, I’ve lost many a pirate when they hit the mast face first.
Now get to the crows nest and find me a ship to attack! If’en ye should see a sea monster, sing out, ya land lubber! I ain’t gonna lose another ship to that tentacled whale without a fight, me uncle Ahab didn’t go down without a fight and neither shall I! (Though autocorrect might sink me ship!) Arrrr!
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Not sure me and my seasickness should be up that high. Just put me in the back to chum the waters or call out to whales with my groans of misery. As for the singing, Maritime Law forbids acts of torture, so that’s out too. This is why I’d be a terrible pirate. 🙂
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Arrr.
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A popular phrase on the open sea. Not sure of the translation though.
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Mostly it’s a general purpose comment of approval or agreement.
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Harr Harr! Got a kick out of these, Charles!
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Glad you liked it. 🙂
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