Cover Art by Jon Hunsinger

Okay, youngsters, did everyone read the short list of tips to survive or at least die with some dignity?  Yes, Timmy, I know hyperlinks don’t work since the Internet is no more outside of the Wi-Fi Dens.  I should add that it makes it even stranger than Jessica keeps checking her phone for messages.  Especially since her phone is actually a Barbie doll she tore the limbs off.

That brings us to our first piece of advice if you want to survive out there.  BE CRAZY!  It’s up to you to decide on the level and flavor, but sanity does not last long out there.  You have carrier beasts, cannibals, gangs, Nebraska, Half-Deads, plague swamps, wild animals, Guardians, former players for the Dallas Cowboys, and possibly a few surviving former presidential candidates out there.  In other words, the Shattered States are full of dangers and creatures that will drive you mad.  Yes, Timmy, I’m being dramatic for the sake of the audience.  The truth is that you will find suffering and loss out there, so you need to be a little crazy to survive it.

Next tip is that you should not trust strangers.  Also, you should not avoid strangers.  Stop raising your hand, Timmy!  You can only make it so far on your own because we have a bartering system.  Some people can live off the land and make their own bullets, but that doesn’t guarantee survival.  You get hurt or sick then you’ll need to find a doctor.  You see, avoiding other people means you’re alone and fucked if something goes haywire.  This isn’t to say you should trust other humans right away.  People are not as nice as they once were and everyone is out to survive, so trust is not something you should give away like your virginity on prom night.  I’m not explain either of those terms, Timmy, so put Jessica’s hand down. Wake her up too.  My point is that you have to interact with them, but always be ready for them to betray you.  At least until you’ve proven they can be trusted and then let your guard down a little bit.

Now, many of you may want to wander around the country instead of staying in familiar territory.  My suggestion here is to get a vehicle, trade for gas as often as you can, and arm yourself to the teeth.  This may seem like an anarchist playground to some of you, but that illusion fades away when you have a bullet in your kidney.  The open roads are where you’ll find the most danger, so locating a space to call home is recommended.  Sure, you won’t be going on grand adventures and getting into heart-pounding gunfights.  No car chases, death-defying escapes, curious strangers, or any of those other things that you would find out there.  Nope, stability in the Shattered States is basically a grueling slog for supplies and a sense of normalcy.  Don’t pout at me, Timmy, because this is what your parents pay me to say.  You’ll live longer if you hunker down and carve out a home in this world.  Every step you take into the wild could be your last.

That’s all I have to say for today.  A little dark and sad, but this isn’t a happy place we’re living in.  What do you mean there are happy places, Timmy?  Well, I guess bars and strip clubs do count, but you can’t really live there.  *Bang*  A final tip, class.  Never suggest that any of your classmates can survive as whores because that will get you shot.  Walk it off, Timmy, and stop crying.  You still have nine toes left.