This post originally went live on October 7th, 2013.
My friend, John W. Howell, is a funny man and made a post today about what not to do when on a movie date. I got to thinking about my movie pet peeves. So, upon request, I’m going to make a silly list:
Statler & Waldorf
- The cellphone! I can handle vibration mode because for all I know the person is really, really lonely. Who am I to judge? Just turn the brightness down, buddy. It’s a strange annoyance, but noticing a glowing fucking light to the side while watching the movie is distracting. Besides, if you’re going to play Angry Birds instead of watch the movie, have some fucking skill in it.
- Kicking of my seat. Funny thing is that I can take it from kids as long as the parent tries to stop them. Not parental move then I get annoyed and will glance back with a ‘I will dump popcorn on your spawn’ look. It’s when a fully grown adult does this that I have no patience. I could be mature and ask them to stop. I could also be a jerk and moan erotically with every kick. Add in a ‘hit me harder, daddy’ and we’ll see how quickly that stops.
- Ever go walking to your seat and your foot suddenly feels cold? You look back a few chairs and find your shoe is stuck to the floor. People do realize theaters have cup holders now, right? No reason for a soda to be on the floor.
- Whispering questions to your friend during the movie. It can wait until the ride home or the credits. If you’re so confused then maybe you should have paid more attention to the movie. Also, do people assume everyone has seen the movie without them? I have no idea why something happened on the screen during my first viewing. If you’re that concerned then read spoilers beforehand.
- People that are on another viewing of the movie and talk. This movie must be great for you to see it again. Happy you’re a fan. Not happy that you keep yelling ‘this is going to be great!’ or ‘wait for it!’. If I could find you in this dark theater, I would beat you with your milk duds.
- Bringing a child to a Rated-R movie. I’m not talking a teenager, but a small child that can’t even get into a PG movie. It’s really disturbing to be watching a movie with gore and sex in the midst of a screaming toddler. I’m not sure what parental award you’re going for, but I hope it comes with a lifetime of free therapy. That 7-year-old had no fucking business seeing Jason butcher a bunch of teenagers. Although, your plan could be to make sure your child never goes to camp or has sex. If that is the case then congratulations, you’re still a fuckhead.
- “I paid for my ticket, so I can do what I want!” I love this argument if you ever confront a rude movie goer. I paid for my ticket too, but you don’t see me acting like a prick. Yet there is a point here. I paid for my ticket too, buddy. That means I can do what I want as well. So, I’ll give you a 5 minute window to set up an appointment with a skilled proctologist before I solve your cellphone addiction.
Legends of Windemere 
Yep. All of those are annoying. I was in a theater where two people had a running conversation, comparing the book to the movie. So annoying! This is why people stop going to theaters and wait for films to come out at Redbox or on blu-ray.
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I forgot which Lord of the Rings movie that I saw that in. I do remember there being a group of people at the midnight debut of Fellowship with flashlights and copies of the book. Good point on people not going to theaters because of that. Also high prices. Sad thing is that it leads to people only going out for the mass produced blockbusters. So those get more numerous.
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I was in a theater when Fellowship of the Ring, Two Towers, and Return of the King debuted. People brought small children to all three movies. Some were clearly disturbed by the violence and scary images. Yet their parents refused to leave the theater.
I’m tired of paying 3D prices, only to have some jerk yakking away behind me or texting in front of me.
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I did the same, but nobody brought little kids to the showings. Kind of fortunate there because it seemed like it was a high possibility. I never go to 3D because it makes me puke, which might explain why I don’t see as many jerks these days.
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Good post. All of those things annoy me as well. They distract and detract from the movie going experience. Perhaps, that explains why I have been going to the theater less every year.
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I go for matinees on Sundays or weekdays. For the big movies, I wait until the big rush is over. It isn’t a perfect system though and high ticket prices don’t help.
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Yeah. I will start doing the same. Matinees when no one is there. Thanks for the idea.
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You’re welcome. The way I see it, the big movies will be around for a while, so why join in the craziness of a debut weekend?
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I stopped doing that a few years ago. I try to stay away from the crowds. Last time I went to the opeing night was to take my daughter to one of those awful Twilight films. lol
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I’m sorry. My son is 6 and just got into the theater experience. Only a matter of time before I get dragged to something I don’t want to see. Praying Hollywood gets the worst out of its system by then. 🙂
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LOL Good luck with that. With so many wonderful writers out there, Hollywood has turned into a recycle bin.
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I know. They go for the sure bet, I guess. Means a lot of unique stories are left behind or marketed very poorly. I remember there being more variety when I was a kid, especially with action and comedy.
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Yes, that is true. You would think that Hollywood and publishing would try to be more inclusive instead of exclusive. They’sd have more material to sell, and probably create more writng geniuses.
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I think it deals more with a fear of the unknown. People are quicker to tear something apart on-line and that gets more distance than in the days for the Internet was so widespread. That might be preventing the big companies from trying something that is untested.
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Oh, my! What a fine list of miscreants…
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They are truly numerous some days. 🙂
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Love this list and not because I’m mentioned upfront. Well maybe. No, seriously this made me laugh as if I had not seen t before. (You were pretty edgy back then you know the f-word and all.)
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Guess I’ve mellowed in my old age. Though wait until you see ‘Crossing Bedlam’ and you’ll see it’s all been waiting under the surface. 🙂 I think part of it is that I haven’t written anything like this in a while. Might have to go back to it once the hyping for two books is done.
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There is something appealing about letting it hang out.
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Letting the barrier down can be cathartic at times.
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Hit the nail on the head, here. What I especially love is when parents bring their kids to an R-rated movie, they sit behind me, and the seat keeps getting kicked by the kid. All the while, said kid keeps loudly asking questions about what’s going on. Just that whole trifecta of RAARGH!
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Makes you wonder if the kid was blindfolded at some point.
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Just perfect, Charles. I’m not above asking a parent with a kicking child to move, though. Afternoon showings seem to be the most peaceful time to go to a movie!
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I did notice that when we saw a few movies during and after a road trip. I thought it was only because they weren’t freshly released. I’ve become edgy about making polite requests to strangers. Seems too many people are ready to take offense at the slightest criticism.
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I agree with all of these–and yet you would think they are not things that people should not have to be told not to do. It’s just common sense and basic politeness. Too bad so many people lack both attributes. My husband and I usually see films that aren’t the blockbuster sort, and we often go to early matinees or the late afternoon shows.
When we saw “Foxcatcher” there was couple who brought young children. I couldn’t understand that at all.
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It’s rather baffling how these things happen, especially the cellphones. If I had to pay for a ticket then I’d make sure I paid full attention to the movie. Sorry, but I had to chuckle at the Foxcatcher thing. Totally wrong and confusing.
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We stopped going to the theater for many of the reasons above. Netflix and a glass of wine.
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I know Netflix would absorb me. 🙂 That and I have friends who spew spoilers on Facebook. Always annoys me on the big movies. I do really like that wine idea.
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If my nan happened to be in the cinema, it would probably drive everyone to distraction! She fiddles with anything in her hands; a pen, a knife and fork, a cup, a book or magazine, sweets. So we constantly hear a cacophony of crinkling, tapping, clicking, scrunching, and chiming! But I now have the image of her playing angry birds on her mobile (cell), which is hilarious (better than some of the movies I’ve seen recently.)
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They have an Angry Birds movie coming. Wonder how that will work. I remember cringing about the fidgeters because they never realize what they’re doing.
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That’s true. She has no clue she’s doing it, and I can’t really criticise at all. I inherited one of my father’s habits of leg jiggling! I have no idea I’m doing it until a member of my family puts a hand on my knee to keep my leg still (either than or glares at me!) 😀
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My wife does the leg twitching. Drives me nuts in the car when we stop at a light. I keep thinking something is going on with the engine.
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Lol! That sounds familiar 😀
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And I can’t image how the film will work. I find Angry Birds annoying, though, granted, that’s probably because I’m not very good at it!
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From the trailer, the birds live on an island and the mains ones are in anger management. The pigs show up on a boat and appear as friends, but I’m guessing they steal the eggs.
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That actually sounds scarily entertaining!
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Guess the benefit of the game having such a simple premise is that you can go in various directions with it.
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