Not really sure where to even start here. I’m exhausted and stressed. If last weekend proved anything, I can’t really go into how things work around here. Otherwise, I get a lecture/debate on this side of the machine. Let’s just say that it’s been ‘suggested’ that I watch what I say on here. So if I’m in a bad mood, I slap on a fake smile or disappear to avoid anyone thinking I dislike people and aspects of my life. The whole issue with Matzoh being one of the few things to eat in the house and setting off my IBS hasn’t helped me.
I’m really not feeling social by any stretch of the imagination. This sucks because the weather is good and my son can play outside. I don’t think people realize that by always leaving me in charge of him, things pile up. So when a family outing is about to take place or he’s going to have a new experience, I’m forced to decide between work and son. This is a shitty situation to put someone in. I can’t even get writing done because by the time I get to a computer, I have tons of emails to sift through. Mostly I’ve been deleting them this week because I’m simply not in the mood for things. Hell, I might be burning out on blogging and human interaction entirely at this point.
All I want to do is write, but I don’t even know what to work on now. I keep saying Book 8 will be started. Probably Wednesday as I take Tuesday as an attempt to recover some energy. History teaches me that I’ll come out worse than I started, but what the hell. Yet part of me wants to go over Book 5 and another part wants to focus more on getting the characters of another series written up. You know, that main goal of my 3 week ‘vacation’ that is nowhere near being completed. I might finish the heroes and a few villains if I use Tuesday.
This has really been nothing more than a downer post, but it shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone who knows certain aspects of my situation. Anyway, I’ll see if I can piece together a few goals:
- Start writing The Merchant of Nevra Coil.
- Design a few characters for The Elysium Saga.
- Get off the Passover diet of glorified crackers that make my intestines cry.
- Keep eye out for packages.
- Try to get more into blog commenting.
Legends of Windemere 
We all have ’em Charles…those ruddy awful times.
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Yeah. Though I seem to be having a slew of them this year. I think it’s made worse that I can’t get away from the chaos. Even when I do, it seems to be waiting for me when I get back. It really erodes my desire to interact with people.
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I can understand that ( says she interacting anyway). I am beginning to think chaos is my naturual milieu…
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I’m starting to feel that way. At the very least, I’m stuck in a chaotic stage that I can’t get out of until something goes my way.
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Time to break out, perhaps
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Easier said than done. Nowhere to go.
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I know that feeling too.
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I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sounds like you are at the point I got to a few weeks ago and I don’t even have a toddler in the house on a day by day basis. Just that general feeling of burn out and a desire to escape it all and write. When I got to point that I could focus…I couldn’t get into the groove. It’s been a struggle. So I can empathize wholeheartedly. I wish for you the serenity and peace of mind you need to through this.
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Thanks. The toddler isn’t even the main issue because it isn’t like he’s doing this on purpose. It’s the feeling that I could be interrupted at any moment that is putting me off. People yell around here and don’t realize how urgent they sound. So I drop what I’m doing to respond only to find out that it’s something that could have waited.
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Headphones?
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They just yell louder or come get me.
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I have never been much for television, but have always loved to read, whether a text book or a pleasure read. Years ago, when I had three kids, a husband and a farm, it seemed every time I picked up a book all hell would break loose. It got so bad, if my husband was home, I would go lock myself in the car. I was trying to get through school to improve our standard of living. The husband told our therapist/counselor that I was isolating (again), which always made me feel like something was wrong with me. But there wasn’t. I needed that time. The therapist agreed with me. Which did not sit well with the husband. At some point, for your own sanity, you may have to demand that time.
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I demand that time a lot. Nearly every week. The issue is that I don’t have any space either. There are times that I can’t even go to the bathroom without someone yelling for me or talking to me through the door.
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How well I remember. I will say that it gets better.But it does take effort on everybody’s part.
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In that case, it probably won’t be better for a long time.
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We all know I’ve been in a blue funk lately – I blame the weather and the awful winter. Hopefully it will turn around with spring.
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The sudden frost and cold probably didn’t help me this week. Threw off a lot of plans.
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A good place to start is with a smile. Come on… 🙂 Just a little one, Charles.
Choosing between work and time with new experiences with your child. Well, take the experience, but if even for a second someone tells you that you’re not working hard enough. I won’t say I’d be happy to punch them in the face…I won’t, todays a holiday. Tomorrow? I’m wide open…
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Yet if I take the new experience, my work gets pushed back even more. That leaves me further behind and people act like it wasn’t important in the first place since I didn’t take the opportunity. You see how this is a lose/lose situation. If I work then I miss out on my son’s experiences. If I go then people don’t bother giving me another chance. For some reason, people don’t consider doing something basic with him when giving me time.
As for the holiday, I’m Jewish.
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I understand, Charles.
I just meant that after today I wouldn’t have any guilt about punching someone, if you needed me. (I wanted to make you laugh. I believed I failed. And I know you’re Jewish, my friend.)
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Thanks. After the last few days, I’m not really in much of a laughing mood. Strongly considered abandoning the blog for a day or two. Though it now appears that I’ll be a rarity again tomorrow.
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If you wrote out a schedule for yourself, would anyone respect it? Even if you put the family first on the schedule, at least you’d know (and they’d know) what time you were going to say, “That was so much fun! Now I need my time.” and you could go without interruption. Might be worth a try. Kids love schedules, even though it may take them a while to get into the groove. Structure is very important to them – and it sounds like it would do you a world of good to stop spreading yourself so thin.
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I tried a schedule a few times, but it never went well because ‘things’ happened. I’ve given up trying that path.
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Dear Charles, I’m a relatively new reader of your blog so I don’t know much about your circumstances. But of course you feel guilty. Like me, you’re Jewish and you’re a parent—you didn’t stand a chance. And sure, maybe it’s the matzoh talking. (My four kids assure me they’ll be in therapy for most of their life because of the matzoh PBJs, not to mention the matzoh meal birthday cakes for the one born April 23…) I’m not going to tell you to cheer up or smile or assure you that you’ve made the right decisions. How would I know?
It’s really easy to say I’ve been there. In some ways I have. I’ve been at home with kids when that seemed like the right thing to do even though I felt guilty about not using my expensive education. I’ve gone back to work and left kids with daycare when that seemed like the responsible thing to do even though I felt guilty about missing my children’s important experiences. I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to write when that seemed like the only thing to do, even though I felt guilty about only being able to do a little bit at a time.
And the answer to whether you’re doing the right thing is that you won’t know the answer. Not for decades. Maybe never.
I’m one of the lucky ones. My husband says all my days are Saturdays now, but at least I can write on all my Saturdays. Despite everything I did to mess them up, my four kids are grown into incredible adults. They are doing important, special jobs. And they’re all writers. One of them even thanked me (in the Best Mother’s Day Present Ever- http://splitsider.com/2011/05/my-mom-was-a-comedy-writer/) for the example I set for her.
I wish I could tell you that I look back on those times with fondness, convinced I did the right thing. The fact is that most of those years were a blur, where I thought I was doing well if I managed to end each day with the same number of kids and animals I started with. But when my parents died a few months ago and we were cleaning out their house, I found a book of photos I had made for them. Into the cover, my mother had saved several of my cards, letters, more photos, and my annual New Year’s letter. And you know what? In every one of them, we all looked completely, totally happy to be doing what we were doing that year, doing it together, and looking forward to the next year.
I wish you all of that. Forget next year in Jerusalem. I say next year with the family, with the writing, and (I’m sorry to say) with the matzoh. Chag Sameach.
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Thanks. I feel for your kid who has an April birthday. I’ve had many a cake-less time thanks to my April 9th birthday.
Sorry to hear about your parents. We’re going through my grandmother’s stuff since she died in October. Always surprised at what we find, especially in the photos. Helps put a few things in perspective.
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Oh dear! Try putting less pressure on yourself to perfect everything, and maybe narrow down to the essentials 🙂
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It’s not so much perfect everything. It’s more getting stuff done before it grows into an unbeatable mountain.
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Even so, it definitely sounds like time to stop and regroup. Say goodbye to us for a bit, and we’ll be here when you get back. 😉
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That probably wouldn’t change much at this point. The blogging builds up, but the major stresses come from outside the computer.
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Sorry you are having such a tough time my friend, families can do that to us sometimes. I hope things smooth out for you soon so that you can get back to your writing. Hang in there.
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Me too. Though I have a feeling that things are going to be rough for a while.
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Just vent when you need too. It seems to be helpful to me when I do! And keep moving forward. 😉 here’s one for you – just because I work from home for my “real” paying job doesn’t mean I don’t really work and have tons of time on my hands! My sequel may never get finished from the looks off things so far this year. 😦
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I think the only time I’m left alone by any extent is when I’m working on a new book. Everything else seems to be ignored and passed off as ‘not urgent’. Good luck finding time for your sequel.
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Ugh…that sounds like a not so fun week. I’m sorry that you are having so much “downer” stuff going on. It is hard to keep our heads up and smiles on our faces when things get like that. Venting is good for the soul. I hope this week is better, Charles. Just know that we are all here for you 🙂
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Thanks. I’m not sure if I want this week to be productive or uneventful. Just feel so burnt out.
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First of all, Numb is one of my favorite songs ever. I actually listened to it a couple of days ago when I had my iPod on shuffle mode. Like I said, great song. As for the blogging, writing and Matzohs–all I can say is my heart goes out to you. I like Matzoh, the egg kind or the garlic spiced ones. Did you know you can find chocolate covered ones, too? It’s true! Love those! Anyway, having some time off to figure out what you want to do is a great way to get your batteries recharged. I think you’ll do fine! Work hard, play hard, and let everyone wonder what keeps you going!
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I put it on when I’m in a stressed mood. Not the most relaxing thing, but it’s oddly relatable at times. A lot of people spend time being told who or what they should be, so the song really connects.
I’ve had the chocolate ones, but they’re expensive and you can only have it so often. The egg and plain ones are the kind that we have here. The rest are surprisingly not kosher for Passover. I plan on having pizza the day after this holiday though.
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Pizza’s a great way to celebrate coming off of the unleavened days. Have fun!
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Thanks. One more day to go.
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When the intestines aren’t happy, nobody’s happy…
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The truest statement I heard all weekend.
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😦 I hope you really are able to rest on Tuesday. I’m thinking about you and will pass by again tomorrow – wait, it is tomorrow! – later today…*here’s a lil hug*
Ellespeth
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Thanks. Just one more day.
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Oh, Charles! You have a lot going on and are in a tough spot. Will be thinking of you this week. I’m amazed at how much you get done, knowing how tough your schedule is!
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Thanks. Should be able to rest tomorrow with the toddler back in school. Though I think the stress has killed my stomach.
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i rarely comment Charles because you are usually a machine on target, but I would just like to say…take a step back and see how far you have come. Take a break do something goofy with your son. The world of writing will be there when you and your muse are one again. Enjoy the boy time before he grows up.
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He goes back to school tomorrow, so I’ll be taking the day to relax with some outlining. It’s become more that I’ve been away from my books for so long that I’m getting anxious. After spending 10 years unable to touch them for more than a day or two every month, I fear falling back into that habit.
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Charles you will get back into the flow, you are a passionate writer, it does not simply leave you….wishing you productivity and enjoy the moments of just starting again…..
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Thanks. I’m sure I’ll be fine with a day of quiet and be back into my books by Wednesday. Been over 3 weeks since I left Windemere anyway. Place is probably a mess.
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“Been over 3 weeks since I left Windemere anyway. Place is probably a mess.” This made me chuckle. That’s the Charles I know 🙂 Always finding the humor. But I’m glad you have a forum to vent (somewhat).
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Thanks. Though it seems a public forum creates a few issues.
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