John Cleese on Terror Alerts

(This was forwarded to me and I was going to simply forward it to a few people, but I HAD to share it.  John Cleese is hilarious and I think everyone needs some laughs.  Although, I’ve found evidence this is from 2011 and somebody merely added Syria to it for it to sound modern.)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.”

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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19 Responses to John Cleese on Terror Alerts

  1. I love John Cleese. Thank you for sharing that, Charles! That was probably the highlight of my day!


  2. vozey says:

    John Cleese is amazing. I love Fawlty Towers. I consider it his best works.

    The Scottish one is my favorite.


  3. Bastet says:

    Reblogged this on Bastet and Sekhmet and commented:
    I do so love British humor and John Cleese from Monty Python days lives on..have a go at this!


  4. Ellespeth says:

    LOL! How on earth did I miss this one? Totally hilarious…I’m here searching for a post I didn’t have time to read the other day but said I’d come back to it. It’s the second most recent one about your son. I love keeping up with him. He’s such a darling. Onward searching!


  5. willowdot21 says:

    I have always loved John Cleese, he is used a lot in works training videos here in the UK and probably world wide, just so clever. Thank you so much for the laugh and thank you even more for following my blog I am honoured. be well and happy and I shall be back soon. xx


  6. Robynn Gabel says:

    When it comes to sarcasm and wit, no one can beat John Cleese! Thank you for sharing this! Loved it.


  7. Anonymous says:

    and of course – this is incorrectly attributed to John Cleese who didn’t write it …


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