I think one of the issues with fantasy can be summed up with this video from Collegehumor on Youtube:
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but people don’t always think in practicality when it comes to character protection. NEVER give a female warrior a chainmail bikini as armor. A bizarre medieval beauty pageant? Maybe. Warrior woman version of lingerie or a specific fetish for your world? Go right ahead. But actual bikini armor is ridiculous and you might as well put her in a dress or naked for all the help a metal studded thong will do. Remember that the key point of armor is protection and not to look sexy. Maybe you can get away with sexy leather armor, but you don’t mess around once you go chainmail or higher on the protection food chain. A bare midriff with platemail is a way of saying ‘this character will be stabbed in the stomach’. Oh and no magic tassels or pasties of protection for EITHER gender!
Remember mobility with armor too. No high-flying stunts in platemail unless it’s magically enchanted to specifically allow for that. If you want a character to be flexible and agile then you need leather or something that is bendable. Know the limitations that come with your armor or you’re going to lose the reader.
That small rant brings me to a small point of fantasy that doesn’t get much attention: Gear Maintenance. I’m only going to go over a few points here that can be seen as pet peeves, but they really are important.
Dents and Dings
As I said, armor and shields are designed to protect. That means they’re taking hits and getting damaged. If your hero has armor on and isn’t getting hit then you’re doing combat wrong. Even without some protection this situation is rather iffy. After a while, the polish wears off and the armor should look like it’s seen better days. Shields can be broken and replaced if hit too often or too hard. For example, I have a character who uses a wooden buckler and he’s already gone through a few of them over the course of a book. These things were designed to take hits and get some wear and tear, so put that into your story.
Here is a quick list of what can happen to armor and shields: dents, dings, cuts, holes, punctures, splintering, slashes, gashes, tears, and whatever else is a type of damage to a surface.
What do you do when the armor is dented or the shield is broken? There’s a person in fantasy settings that is used specifically for this. He or she is called a blacksmith and all you have to do is have a character say ‘I’m going to the blacksmith to get my armor fixed’ or ‘I’m going to the blacksmith to buy a new shield’. You don’t even have to write the scene. Have the warrior leave, focus on the others for a bit, and then have him/her return with repaired gear. A simple ‘look at my new stuff’ line and you’re golden.
Clean Your Sword
Whetstone (Yahoo Image Search)
The above picture is a whetstone, which is used to sharpen a blade that is going dull or is nicked from use. Swords get nicks and gouges in their blades when striking anything. If it is not taken care of then the weapon will shatter at the worst possible moment. That moment would be in battle when you prefer to keep your vitals non-punctured. A whetstone and sword oil is very easy to include. After a battle, have your warriors sitting around a campfire and write ONE sentence about them sharpening their blade. Examine it for nicks and issues then you’ve done your part. The hero’s blade has now been fixed and maintained to add a little more reality to them. You can always overlook this by having time pass, but there is one thing that irks me. I’m probably guilty of it too without realizing it.
CLEAN YOUR BLADE! There’s a scene in ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe’ where Aslan tells Peter to clean his blade after killing a wolf. The comedy of the scene in the movie is that the blade was already immaculate, but it’s Disney so shut up. I’ve read and seen a lot of scenes where the hero stabs someone with their sword. Then they sheathe the blade without cleaning it. I always want to yell ‘No! Clean your blade! Use a rag, your glove, the face of your slain enemy! Anything!’ The reasons for this is simple. Blades can rust and dried blood is disgusting. Even worse is the idea that the sheathe is now coated in blood, which will erode the blade. Easy way to fix this is to have your character carry a rag and clean it. You don’t even have to do it a lot. Set up the habit in the beginning of the story and then people will assume that the hero does it later on, so you don’t have to write it.
Those are some helpful armor and maintenance tips. Hopefully they help and remember . . . chicks in chainmail only work for a calendar spread. In battle, they’re about as useful as curvy scarecrows.
Legends of Windemere 
Hahaha I remember that scene clearly. I’m pretty sure that once that “Clean your blade” line came up, I ended up raging at the TV about how ridiculous that was since the blade was pristine. Ahhhh, Disney. Your aversion to blood makes for some excellent comedic moments.
LikeLike
I barely noticed for some reason. Somebody pointed it out to me, which means I’m not that aware during movies.
LikeLike
It’s too bad there is no way to make a fanny pack cool. It would be so practical for carrying that vital equipment. 😉
LikeLike
Magical belt pouch of holding. Make them common and cheap. 😛
LikeLike
Ok, I can go with that. 🙂
LikeLike
Can I add to your rant? Chicks in heels. It doesn’t matter to me what genre you’re writing in. I worked in marketing for two years where I had to wear heels everyday for 12 hours (they spent as much time as possible under my desk or in the floorboard of my car) and, trust me, filmmakers and authors have females doing miraculous things in 4 inch heels that you know just aren’t possible. More than about two hours in those things without a break and you are going to have blisters, and aren’t going to feel like kicking off your sexy shoes to run your foot up some guy’s thigh.
LikeLike
I think I was so focused on fantasy that the idea of heels passed me by. Very good point. Though they do improve the lethality of a kick.
LikeLike
You got that right. Just walking along a cobblestone street would be tricky enough. I have no idea how they’re supposed to run through a forest. When I see things like that I moan and my feet moan.
LikeLike
Oh thank you. I can’t stand “combat heels”, or chainmail bikinis being passed off as actual armor. Maybe if the character is trying to seduce someone and won’t be doing any fighting that stuff can pass, but if she actually is fighting in that kind of get-up that’s just insulting.
LikeLike
I can barely keep my balance to walk. i know i would not be a worthy opponent in those things.
LikeLike
I have to be honest that I’ve never seen the high-heeled warrior woman before. Not unless it was spoof.
LikeLike
I don’t know about warriors in fantasy writing, but google wonder woman images and look at the heels on her red boots in the series photos. She did miraculous things in those boots with heels. Of course she was a superhero, not a warrior woman.
LikeLike
Yeah. Superheroes have their own physics. Capes that never get in their faces. Comfortable spandex. Hulk’s pants always fit after transforming. A strange world.
LikeLike
YES! Clean your blade, please!!! You don’t want all of that blood to gunk everything up!! >.< Plus how a character cleans their blade says a lot about them! For instance, Pharun would use a scented handkerchief, while Shrukian would just use a piece of his cloak…
LikeLike
Good point. I have a lot of characters use a rag or something that they can easily dispose of. I have one character that might have a special cleaning item. Also have one that might lick the blade clean, but it works for him.
LikeLike
I love your point about the chainmail bikini. One of my favorite scenes in David Eddings’ Belgariad series had Princess C’Nedra asking for her armor to be designed in a sexier, more feminine style. She was denied, of course, because her ideas weren’t practical. I think the scene stood out for me because it was so unusual.
LikeLike
It’s great that he had a female character ask for it. Typically, it’s a guy being pervy and sexist.
LikeLike
I remember that scene, somewhat. Didn’t she ask for … basically a metal gown where the chainmail served as lace? And also made of gold.
I must re-read that series, practically all I can remember clearly is her ending up asking for a little definition. And it was my favourite moment.
LikeLike
Well, you hit the nail right on the shiny part. 🙂
LikeLike
Goblins love shiny.
LikeLike
Pingback: Weapon? Who Needs a Weapon? (Part 4 of a Series) | Legends of Windemere
Pingback: Revisit: No Magic Pasties of Protection! And How to Avoid Rusty Blades. | Legends of Windemere