Passover: The Holiday of Giant Crackers (Rant)

I’m Jewish, but I do fully admit that matzah is really nothing more than a giant cracker.  I have a week of eating the stuff, which doesn’t do wonders for nutrition and the human body in general.  Even more entertaining, the household has been striving to eat less carbs to less weight.  I was outvoted in this decision and so was my suggestion that everyone stop watching television and try to do some exercising.  This is a topic for another time though.

So, today I have family coming over at some point, which means I’ll barely be on here.  I’m going to try to visit from time to time, but I won’t hold my breath.  The sound of the toddler already pulling the ‘I want this/I don’t want this’ game tells me this day is going to take a week to finish.  Basically, holidays in this house involve 2-3 days of massive cleaning, stress, fights, and reminding some people that a toddler in the house will undo some of the progress made on day 1.  I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve put away my son’s toy plane and found it back in the living room.  Heck, I can’t even prove to people that I put the thing away in the first place.

The pay-off here is 3-4 hours with family, which I don’t think warrants the 2-3 days of me pondering if I can get away with an insanity plea.  Really, any holiday is supposed to be a day of rest, but it seems like most of them require more work than a day job.  Those few days a year where you try to hide the fact that there are typically toys all over the place or that you use the microwave more than the stove. I don’t like hiding who I am these days, so the realization that holidays force us to hide our real selves doesn’t sit well with me.  It’s great that we’re cleaning up, but it seems to be at the cost of sanity and the ability to deal with each other.

Truthfully, this specific holiday of Passover grates my nerves more than others.  So, my irritation is more than it would be on other holidays.  Thanksgiving comes close, but at least I get pies at the end of that one and it only lasts a day.  Passover cuts me off from pizza, anything with a bread bun, meatball subs, anything breaded, and most of the food I tend to eat.  It also gets confusing for some foods.  Popcorn and rice good?  Only if you’re Sephardic Jew, which I am for this situation.  One of these days I should look up what that is.

My biggest gripe about Passover is one that doesn’t occur this year.  My birthday falls on April 9th, which is quite commonly absorbed by Passover.  This holiday has cost me so much pizza and cake that I want to yell ‘let my diet go’ during the Seder.  Kosher for Passover pizza has been attempted and it has never gone well.  True, the human goats in my family loved it, but I’ve seen them eat some questionable stuff in the past.  Kosher for Passover cake has gone even worse.  The most infamous attempt was store bought and the inside had a lovely lime green filling.  Except it wasn’t lime and it wasn’t supposed to be green.  That one lives in infamy.

I just really don’t like the length and scale of this holiday.  It’s one that is nearly impossible to maintain if you’re outside of a Jewish household/area.  Mostly because people don’t really understand the food restrictions.  At college, they had a kosher for Passover table for the Jewish students.  It had matzah, eggs, and a GIANT BOWL OF PASTA.  Pasta isn’t kosher for Passover.  This became one of those life-altering decisions on if you retain your religion and starve or decide you’re atheist until graduation.  Option three was to descend on the salad bar, but those croutons got into everything, so that was a crap shoot.  Worst part is this is the accidental oopsies.  I’m not even including the people who think it’s funny to wave a piece of bread in a Jew’s face during Passover or practically orgasm over their pizza at lunch.  For those people, I should point out that Passover says I can’t eat leavened bread (bread that rises when cooked).  It doesn’t say anything about me not being allowed to break a piece of matzah over your head and throw your Hostess cupcake into the garbage.

I’m going to end this little venting rant with a story of just how bad I usually am on this holiday.  In high school, my best friend and I went to the mall during Passover.  We had nothing else to do and I don’t even remember how we got there.  This friend convinced me that I could get away with eating Burger King because my parents wouldn’t find out.  I’m sure you can all see where this is going.  The Burger King was packed, so we had to leave with our food, which should have been a sign to me that God was about to teach me a lesson.  I’m chowing down on my burger and look across the mallway (it’s too wide for me to comfortably call a hallway) where there was a bank.  There’s my dad walking out of the bank and my friend going ‘oh shit’ and laughing.  My dad sees me because the typical crowd magically parted like the Red Sea.  The exchange went:

Dad:  Burger King, huh?

Me: Shouldn’t you be at work?

Dad: It’s my lunch break.

Me: Oh . . . Kevin made me do it.

Kevin:  Yes, but Charles should have known better.

Dad: *silent stare of amusement and disappointment*

Me:  I already paid for the burger and ate half of it.

Kevin:  True. It’s not very Jewish to waste money like that.

Dad: I have to get back to work.  *leaves*

Kevin: That went better than expected.

Me: I’m not living this one down.  *goes back to eating burger*

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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5 Responses to Passover: The Holiday of Giant Crackers (Rant)

  1. It is a game of tag and you are it. Go to http://johnwhowell.com if you want to play.

    Like

  2. kdillmanjones says:

    Great vignette! Happy Passover to you, hopefully.

    Like

  3. ioniamartin says:

    As always thank you for the laughter!

    Like

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