As you can tell, it was a rough week.  Guess more on that later.

I did managed to finish chapter 2 of Darwin & the Deadlands Queen.  Had trouble with one section because it starting going in a loop, so I had to pause for a bit to think it through.  I still have an issue with Darwin not operating like my previous heroes.  It’s in his nature to figure problems out quickly after some chaos and using unconventional means.  He also doesn’t argue much and still believes people fairly easily.  This results in fights going off the rails and then ending with a sudden conclusion.  Conversations have him asking a few questions then going ‘okay’.  Probably another reason I keep having doubts and feeling like I’ve lost my skills.

I tried to work on Coven of the Gray, but I couldn’t carve out the time.  There was a lot of things I had to do in the morning before getting to work.  So, I couldn’t tinker with the idea while waiting for people to show up.  Evenings weren’t any better since I had my son and we do stuff until 9 PM.  Then he goes to his room to do his own thing and I get ready for bed.  Yeah, he stays up later than me since he can sleep in.  Guess this summer isn’t going to be as productive as I had hoped.

My son’s birthday is this week, so he’s doing a hangout today.  That means getting pizzas and drinks for a bunch of teenagers to chill in the backyard.  Definitely not going to try writing while they’re around in case I’m needed.  An old friend is staying too, so it would be rude to leave her to sit by herself.  Anyway, this also means that my son’s actual birthday will be a no for writing.  He does have a few other events though, so I might be able to get the first part of Chapter 3 done.  That can open the door for me to finish it over the weekend.  Depends on if I have my son or not.  He’s also at the age where spending time with his old man isn’t a given.  I could get a whole day of writing or he could grace me with his presence the whole time.  The fun unpredictability of teenagers.  I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Now for the disappointment stemming from hope.  I won’t go into details, so it’s going to be fairly vague.  I try really hard to be a good person and help others, including those who I know hate me.  I’ve known for a while that some of these people blame for me their situations even while asking me for help.  Yet, I didn’t expect the stories to cause so much opinion shifting when they came out.  I only read a little of what was said, but it made me out to be an unhinged monster.  Information was left out to make things worse or hide the fact that I was provoked.  Sometimes, things other people did were attributed to me.  This has actually being going on for years, but this is the first time I ever faced stories that demonized me so much.

The part that hurts the most is that I tried.  I’m not a saint, but I’m not a monster.  I slipped up with my temper and raised my voice when pushed too far.  Yet, I was still trying to help these people before and after the provocation.  I’ve been told to keep helping while they push to have me isolated from anyone who would be willing to hear my side of the story.  It’s agonizing to be in a situation where helping a person gets twisted to say I’m a controlling bastard, but not helping makes me look like an asshole.  Been carrying this conflicting pain for most of the week and it keeps getting worse.  This situation isn’t going to be over any time soon too.  Could take a year for it to clear and even allow me to speak about it plainly.

One thing that I’m coming to realize is that this whole situation has really damaged my ability to trust others.  I’ve noticed that I’ll be fine with people until they reach a certain level of closeness.  Then, I start getting twitchy and certain actions cause me to think they’re going to turn on me like those who demonize me.  It sucks because I still have a sense of loneliness, but also a fear of getting close.  Part of me is coming to terms with the fact that I feel safer at a distance from others, which means I’m never going back into the dating pool.  Perhaps a shallow thought, but there is always that flicker of desire for companionship.  To think, I’m trying to write a happy, positive hero while suffering from this level of emotional agony.

I wish I could go into more details, but I’m sure some people will figure it out.  Either way, I can only talk about my own emotions and generalizations.  To be fair, there’s been people telling stories about me to cause pain in a few areas of my life.  Starting to think hermits are onto something.

Goals of the week:

1. Celebrate birthday with son.
2. Try to write chapter 3 of Darwin & the Deadlands Queen.
3. Rest up.
4. Try to emotionally recover from this week.
5. Accept that I probably won’t considering the situation.
6. Take walks for Pokémon and rest.
7. Try to work a little more on Coven of the Gray.
8. Make packing list for father/son trip in August.
9. Check out parks in Finger Lakes for one of our outings.