Chairs on the shelf display.

Welcome!  Yes, there are many types of chairs out there.  Why do so many people come in here surprised at that?  Anyway, we have a wide assortment for you to choose from, but we can also help you make a custom one.  I knew you would want to peruse our options, so here’s the catalogue.

First, we should decide on the style.  What are you going to be using the chair for? A relaxing chair does narrow it down somewhat.  There are the recliners, which are always popular.  Wingback, egg, and barrel styles are common as well.  Will these be outside or inside?  Both means you would need to move it. For that, I would recommend either a wheeled chair or a lightweight rocking chair.  There aren’t many additions to the latter, but that will make things a little streamlined.

I assume you want your rocking chair to be made of wood.  We have all of the usual types such as oak, maple, and cedar.  We have rarer ones too such as petrified, time travel obtained, and . . . There really isn’t anything special about the woods.  No powers or abilities to speak of.  Some are more durable and require less maintenance than others, which can be appealing.  Oh, the golden willow would does have a habit of attracting fairies.  There’s also a type of pine that absorbs your stress, but it will eventually release it all into a pocket dimension.  That sounds good, but we really don’t know what lives in that pocket dimension.  Only that the citizens have sent us several letters threatening war once they can figure out how to cross over.  Golden willow?  Good choice.

You don’t want to put paint on that wood because it will anger the fairies.  I would suggest a natural-looking wood stain.  Gold on gold would be repetitive, so maybe a clear or slightly tinted type.  Here’s one that would give it a reddish hue. Seems it also keeps the chair fairly warm at all times, which is good in the winter.  This is a darker yellow stain, which keeps termites, ants, flies, and other pests away.  Unfortunately, it smells like spicy mustard at all times.  It’s still our second best seller in terms of stains.  Our top one is a strawberry red that sprouts said fruit every week.  You have to pick it within an hour of it appearing though or it will rot.  Reddish hue for warmth it is.

Cushion patterns are numerous, but we do have various abilities.  Fart elimination, back pain eraser, calming scents, expanding into a wrap-around blanket, and a mild vibration mode are a few.  For a rocking chair, we have a cushion that does the rocking for you because its actually a mimic.  Not that the cushions have eaten anyone, but we don’t make them.  They simply appear and feed off any food that falls in their creases.  I think they might eat a few fairies too.  Still, the possible mimic also changes its shape to contour to your body and there is some evidence that it can protect your home from invaders of all species.  The only problem is they don’t get along with small house pets.  They’re scared of small children as well because you can’t get markers, gum, glitter, glue, and other things out of their hair.  You don’t have any of that, so you’re good for the mimic.  I’ll keep watch for the next one to arrive.

Anything else?  Thank you for doing business with us.  Just watch out when you leave because we got a shipment of steel chairs.  Those things have a habit of folding themselves and launching at the nearest person’s back. Ow!  Why do we sell these things to non-wrestling fans?