This post originally went live on April 24, 2024.
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Being a single father, I think about the father/son relationship a lot. Mostly because I’m always hoping I’m doing right by my own son. This gets tougher when I see fiction maintaining the ‘stoic father’ ignoring the son’s issues until they explode or not having the father be in there at all. It can get even worse with adventures because the father tends to die at some point. Come to think of it, fathers are fairly common sacrificial characters if they’re in the picture at all. Anyway, here’s some ideas on writing a father/son relationship in fiction.
- If the father comes from a generation where men don’t show emotion or parenting is the ‘woman’s job’ then establish that. Fatherhood has changed over the years with more fathers taking on child-rearing responsibilities. Many show emotions and talk about feelings with their sons too. This isn’t seen as manly by some, but it is how many relationships are these days. So, don’t be afraid to show that if it’s the type of story you want.
- The son doesn’t always have to be railing and battling against the father. We know that children test their limits, but something about the father/son challenge turns into toxicity in writing. Authors seem to want the father to be the villain or the son to be the young fool. I rarely see these portrayed as a problem that gets solved by talking before somebody gets hurt. Most times, I see it result in the total destruction of the relationship or at least the disappearance of it until the epilogue.
- Fathers aren’t always disappointed in their sons! This is a common trope, which does play out in real life. I’ve always wondered if it happens so often because it’s seen in every genre. Our culture practically demands that fathers criticism and frown at whatever their son is doing unless it’s following in their footsteps. This also tends to make the mother the more understanding and loving parent, which feeds into other clichés.
- As stated, fathers are more than able to talk about feelings. An open and comfortable relationship between parent and child is fine. You won’t get conflict between them, but you can challenge them in other ways. The story doesn’t always have to involve the near destruction of the father/son relationship.
- Hugs. Nothing wrong with a parent hugging their child.
- There should still be some boundaries between the father and son. A child will not be comfortable talking about everything with their parent. You also need to make sure the parent has a level of authority instead of coming off solely as a friend. This can be delicate, but it doesn’t have to be something that causes conflict. Boundaries can be established and respected by the characters. They don’t always have to be pushed and broken.
- There’s a rule in society that parents shouldn’t cry in front of their children, especially fathers. Apparently, doing so can be called manipulation, weakness, pathetic, and a long list of insults. I disagree. Having a father cry when one would normally cry makes them human in the story. Otherwise, you end up blocking the emotional connection between parent and child. As stated, fathers can have this too. It isn’t only for mother/child stories.
Legends of Windemere 
Great tips! Not all fathers are the same.
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Thanks. Some people seem to think all fathers are either useless or should be hands off.
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My son was a single dad of two little girls for 5 years until he remarried. He did an awesome job and those girls think the world of him.
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I was a stay-at-home dad for a while. I think that’s what got me such flak. Being a single dad people get because there’s no mother in the picture. A SaH or even a joint custody dad gets weird looks.
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I can see why this is one of the top posts. Such good advice in a day with so much needless male bashing. One of my friends is one of the best fathers—really, one of the best parents—I know. And he didn’t have that type of dad growing up. I’m glad your son has a dad he can be proud of. My sisters-in-law both have great dads.
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Thanks. There does seem to be a lot of male bashing these days. With fathers, it gets frustrating. I got ridiculed and labeled a loser for being hands on. I also got called a terrible parent when I took time for myself. It’s like one can’t win.
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That’s terrible , Charles.
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I enjoyed this the first time and still believe these are excellent points not only for characterization but real life.
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Thanks. Good to hear it works for both.
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Yup
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These are great points. Times have changed and we should flex our observation powers a bit.
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Definitely. Wish more people did so.
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All reasons why boys need to have a father. Some things a mom can’t do!
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I think it goes beyond that. For a long time, it’s been believed that moms are naturally the better caregivers and dads need to stay out of the way. At best, a father is expected to act as a sidekick in terms of parenting. The reality is that fathers can sometimes be a better parent than mothers. The social trope that men aren’t good at raising kids gets pushed into fiction a lot because of this belief.
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And there’s the trope of father’s being the disciplinarian. ‘Just wait until your father gets home!’
Or in the Cilla Black song:
‘Ee, you are a mucky kid
Dirty as a dustbin lid.
When he hears the things you did
You’ll get a belt from your dad.’
Mum, in these situations, often stands back and allows the father to discipline the child–often physically.
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I see more of the ‘ask your mother’ types in fiction these days. So, it’s gone from making the father the ‘bad cop’ to making them the ‘useless cop’. I think this does color people’s minds in a way. Hence, you have a father watching his own kids called a babysitter. Dealt with that shit a bunch when I was a stay-at-home. Though I didn’t find out certain people thought this until after the divorce.
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I agree. Many fathers excel at being caregivers.
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