You know what’s more frustrating than not even being able to touch your manuscript for editing?  It’s carrying part of it around with the expectation of getting some editing time, but it NEVER HAPPENING.  Seriously, the only reason I can say that I touched Darwin & the Demon Game is because I literally held it in my hands at several points.  Didn’t get to go beyond that due to exhaustion, evening events, and the continued barrage of appointments that aren’t for me.  It’s reaching a point where I can barely get the 7 hours of sleep I need to get 100 on my CPAP rating.

One would think that I could edit all weekend since I don’t have my son.  NOPE!  A family event is going on tomorrow, which was originally going to be here and now it’s somewhere else.  The timing of it carves the entire middle of the day out and nobody can tell me when we’ll get home.  Maybe I can edit before we leave, but I’m more inclined to get out of the house for 30 minutes of Pokemon Go just to have some solitude before everything else happens.  Not like work is crazy busy and stressful, so I would need a weekend to rest up or relax.

At least I get today, right?  I now have to cram in editing, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, exercise (Pokemon Go outing, but it’s cardio), preparing lunches, and making dinner for myself.  I stayed up late to do laundry last night, but I still have to cram everything into one day instead of getting two.  I wouldn’t have minded this if it wasn’t sprung on me yesterday.  That could have resulted in me doing all the chores throughout the week.  Now, it’s looking like I’m going to be having another 2 weeks before I can dig into Darwin & the Demon Game.  Maybe I can get a chapter done, but this limping along with blips of activity is getting bad.

My worry is that this will continue after I’m done editing, which means I’ll have to try writing with this amount of mayhem.  I don’t think I can do it.  Writing a few sections with 2-3 weeks of nothing in-between?  I’d have to waste so much time revisiting what I did that I’ll have only one weekend day to write.  That’s if the people around me don’t decide to set up appointments, gatherings, or whatever that I’m obligated to go to.  No wonder there are so many authors who become hermits.  It’s probably the only way to consistently get work if people won’t let you get any time.  Me never selling a book doesn’t help since it means I can’t say I’m working.  Hobbies aren’t important when you’re expected to be at the beck and call of others.  Nobody should wonder why I suffer from anxiety and probably depression since this is my life.

As you can tell, the frustration of not being able to even edit a page for about two weeks is getting to me.  Next week might give me Thursday evening, but I can’t guarantee it.  On the plus side, the reason I won’t have much time is because I get my son for Rosh Hashanah and next weekend.  The weekend after that is Yom Kippur and Columbus Day weekend, so I can get that Sunday and Monday.  Honestly, the next chunk of time that I’ll be able to edit a lot will be . . . December.  It’s those long breaks that are going to be where I write, which is adding to my frustration.

I’d like another Oswego trip for writing, but I can’t do that until the spring when I should have some time.  I hope to buy a new laptop that I can close and take with me in November, which should make it easier.  Though, I’m still thinking about making an Oswego or similar trip solely for editing or notebook work.  I’ll be more relaxed and my imagination can solve problems of unfinished plans instead of following my outline with constant deviations.  Probably another thing I have to consider, which won’t come to fruition until I’m too old to travel.  My 40’s are really becoming an immense waste in turns of being an author, which is why I keep feeling like it’s back to hobby status.  At least in the eyes of those around me.

Nothing I can talk about happened this week, so it’s just a rant.  Spent the days with my students and the usual.  Had a ‘Meet the Teacher’ night where I was on the teacher side of things.  Other evenings were either with my son or coming back from an appointment then fresh air to watch some ‘Suicide Squad Isekai’ until I passed out.  If I get home and settle around 8:30 PM then it isn’t worth editing because I’m crawling into bed within an hour or so.  So, my evenings are shot if I have anything other than work that day.  That never happens because of the appointments.

As I said, next week is Rosh Hashanah, which starts Wednesday evening.  So, I only have 3 days of work.  I’ll have my son for the holiday and weekend.  We have a movie planned for our time along with Pokemon Go, father/son Super Smash, and maybe an outing.  There is a chance that he will want to work on his art, which would give me editing time.  We’ll see what happens since he prefers to spend time with me when he’s here because we don’t get as much time with each other as before.  Then again, we’re supposed to have really good weather when he’s with me, so we should take advantage of that.  Tried editing in the park, but the wind made a mess and I lost a page to a pile of horse droppings.  So, I won’t be trying that again.

Goals of the week:

1. Try to edit at least one chapter of Darwin & the Demon Game.
2. Time with son after weekend.
3. Vacuum
4. Clean bathroom
5. Sleep
6. Work on December blog posts if time doesn’t permit editing
7. Pokemon Go for exercise, fresh air, and solitude
8. Pizza for dinner tonight
9. Figure out who the fuck decided to curse me, so that I never get a moments peace to relax unless I’m already exhausted . . . I have no hopes for this one.