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Welcome to our little sandwich restaurant. We only have sandwiches. The sign even says that we don’t have soups or salads. No funny business. As you can see, we have a long line, so here’s the menu and you have 5 minutes to choose what you want. Don’t give me any attitude. Three people called out, the cook might be hallucinating, and our waiter is crying in the air ducts because a woman yelled at him for 15 minutes about getting the wrong type of mustard. So, please wait your turn and happy national sandwich day.
- Roast Beef– Always warm even if you wait a day to finish the other half. Can cause mild amounts of bellybutton gas emissions.
- Chicken Cutlet– You can fly if you add mustard or dive underwater if you add mayo. Might sprout a few feathers.
- Ham on Rye– Increases sense of smell, but you will be subjected to a Jewish guilt trip before the end of the day.
- Turkey Club– Bestows elite membership to a turkey club. Your hat and decoder ring will be delivered shortly. Tell no one.
- BLT– Gives you a ghost form for 12 hours. Left pondering why mayo is on the sandwich, but doesn’t get a letter until magic is over.
- Rueben– Gives the power of x-ray vision. You smell and taste delicious to the point carnivores will try to take a bite. (Yeah, it’s the same from Dylan’s Diner. What of it?)
- Grilled Cheese– Bestows a sense of comfort and calm as your stresses melt away. Can make your breath smell like cheese until digestion is done.
- Egg Salad– Grants higher intelligence and peak human physical abilities. Downside, is that you will have worms.
- Lobster Roll– Temporarily grow lobster-claws, but with human hands in the middle for fine motor tasks. You will randomly flex your rear with enough force to send you hurtling ahead.
- Bologna– Increased luck for the next 5 hours. There’s a casino down the block. We assume you could use the money.
- Meatball Sub– Can curl into an armored ball and roll around. There will be soreness of the everything afterwards.
- Monte Cristo– Grants the person invisibility and high jumping abilities. You will driven to seek revenge against the last person who even remotely slighted you.
- French Dip– Improves your swimming ability, but does not increase underwater breathing time. You will only be able to speak in bad, stereotypical Hollywood-version French.
- Philly Cheesesteak– Grants you the ability to make people fall in love with each other. You will never use this power because you will be filled with so much rage and hatred towards humanity that you will go out of your way to make people suffer.
- PB&J– Transform back into a child and enjoy a day of youth. Avoid anyone who will force you to go to school.
- Hotdog– No powers. We put this here primarily to get people arguing about if it counts as a sandwich or not.
- Gyro– Choose any filling that you want from the list. There will always be the perfect amount of filling in each bite even if it’s the last one.
Again, happy national sandwich day.
Legends of Windemere 
Hilarious—especially the lobster roll and French dip! 😄😄😄 I feel like donning a beret and sitting at an outdoor café saying, “Cwahssant, please, garsohn” in a garbled French accent.😄😄😄 And true about the gyro! I’ve never had one that lacked meat in every bite. I will avoid asking for a Reuben! So I’ll take the turkey club!
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I’ve had gyros where you bite into a piece and get all sauce or veggie. Clearly not high quality.
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There was a restaurant near where I used to live that sold the best gyros!!
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Used to have a Greek restaurant near me that had delicious ones. Disappeared during covid.
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Same here! The restaurant closed. It is now a parking lot for an eye clinic. 😞
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Excellent post, Charles. Some very subtle effects of eating certain sandwiches. Well done.
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Thanks. 😊
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I can’t wait for my turkey hat.
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Just make sure to feed it regularly.
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So many temptations! The PBJ would be interesting, considering that I work at a school. But I’d probably order the BLT and explore the possibilities of being a ghost.
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That does sound fun now that I think about it.
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Interesting fruit.
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Well, which would I choose. I think I might go along with Deby’s idea and try being a ghost. But then again, it’d be worth a few feathers to be able to fly.
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I like how people don’t care that they’ll be pondering why it isn’t ‘BLTM’ for the entire 12 hours.
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OMG I love sandwiches and these are all tempting. The Reuben is my absolute favorite, but then there’s the lobster roll, the Monte Cristo, the Philly…. I try to avoid bread, but just saw an article about a guy who lost 30 lbs in a month eating only sandwiches. I wonder which kind! I might have to try it. Great post!
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I found an article of a guy who lost 10 pounds in 30 days eating only sandwiches. He did it to show that people don’t need to fear bread.
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Probably rye bread, which I love – it’s so good for you!
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Looks like it was a variety.
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I absolutely adore sandwiches, so it was lovely reading this. Because of the title, it made me think of when I was doing keto and saw a pinterest recipe for a keto sandwich, which I thought was impossible, and upon checking it out saw that instead of bread slices it was just 2 leaves of lettuce. I also tried to make some bread in the microwave that was also keto, it looked just like the picture and I was REALLY craving a sandwich. It tasted absolutely disgusting!
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I’ve never heard of keto bread. What was in it?
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It had parmesan cheese and egg + non wheat flour (cant remember right now which one was it, but think it was almond flour), and a little bit of baking powder, whisked into a small microwaveable bowl and just plopped inside for 2 minutes. It did give a bread, the texture and everything was there, but the taste was just sordid.
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🤢
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