Food and Society: A Rough Hurdle for Vampires

Count Chocula

A big part of all societies food, which makes it difficult for a vampire to blend in.  You can only pretend to have already eaten or not be hungry so often before people start thinking you have a problem.  On the other hand, you can’t role up with your latest victim dangling from your fangs.  So, what are some tips to surviving events that require a little sipping and noshing?

  1. Try to be the host as often as possible.  This means you can have food for everyone and be close to your own source.  Blood bags are very useful here because they’re easier to hide than a body.  More importantly, the host has plenty of reasons to step out of the party.  Make sure you don’t have enough beer or ice to make it through the night or stage an accident that requires you get your clothes into the wash.  Worst case scenario, you’re seen as a little frazzled and clumsy.
  2. If possible, add blood to your food, especially drinks.  Keep flasks with you or get a salt shaker with powdered blood in there.  This takes a lot of preparation and it might require doing it when nobody is looking.  That or you can take a drink before every bite since there are people who need to do so to help swallow.
  3. Dig in because most vampires can eat human food, but they get nothing from it.  This is more of an act though because you really don’t have the urge to do so.  Then again, nobody really talks about what happens after a vampire like this eats since they’re dead, which means no working digestive system.  Still, take advantage and try to fake enjoying it.
  4. Just because you can’t eat, it doesn’t mean you can’t cook.  Similar to being the host, provide a dish for an event.  Claim that you indulged a little bit too much while cooking and need to wait for things to digest.  You might even need the excuse if the dish is good enough to stun your friends.
  5. Go old school and hide your food under used napkins before throwing it out.  Take very little to begin with and move it around your plate for a while.  People will think you’ve had some of it, but you can only keep that going for so long.  Do NOT stuff it into a potted plant or feed it to a dog.  Both can be found out, especially if the dog throws up or gets sick.  If you aren’t attached to your clothes then pocket things and flush them when you get a chance.
  6. Offer to be the designated driver and let the mortals get plastered.  Most won’t realize you aren’t eating.  Those that do will believe everything you say and might not remember much anyway.  Best of all, you can get buzzed later by indulging in a few bites on the way home.  Just blame the friend that tends to go out of control when they’re drunk.
  7. FOR DAWN FANGS: Congrats on being able to eat and get nutrients from food once again.  Just be careful with indulging because there are a few downsides to this.  The biggest is that you will feel a familiar sensation in your lower abdomen.  In other words, you’re going to need a bathroom once again if you overdo it.  Welcome back to the world of mortal digestion.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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22 Responses to Food and Society: A Rough Hurdle for Vampires

  1. AdnamaMarais.wordpress.com says:

    Brilliant.

    Like

  2. L. Marie says:

    Great tips! I’m an expert in the hiding food in a napkin. 🙂

    Now I’m thinking of Bloody Mary drinks. 😀 😁

    Like

  3. So various digestive issues will return too. Gives a whole new meaning to the old classic, “Smells like something died in here.”

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  4. Good tips for mortals when your host is an exceptionally lousy cook

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  5. Interesting tips, I’ll keep it for the next time I go to a party… er… I mean to use as a joke, not that I’m a vampire… now excuse me while I step out for a bit.

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  6. Reblogged this on DSM Publications and commented:
    Check out this post from the Legends of Windemere blog on the topic of Food and society: A rough hurdle for vampires.

    Like

  7. I like the idea of pushing food around, then “accidentally” leaving your plate on a sideboard looking like it’s been eaten from.

    Like

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