Movie Poster and Book Cover

Glad you came to us about your book being turned into a movie.  Here at the ‘Adaptation Station’, we pride ourselves on showing some respect to the source material.  At least 5% more than our competitors.  What if they show no respect?  Well then we’re still better than them, so stop worrying.  Have another Fresca and stop making a mess on the leather couch.  What are we working with here?

A fantasy romance sounds good, but I think you need more robots.  Steampunk is very big right now and you want to jump in on that.  We’ll make it powered by magic and the hero will still have a sword-like weapon.  So those parts are safe.  Ever wonder what a mechanical dragon would look like?  We have the small-scale models already prepared from another movie.  A few tweaks to make it look different and you have yourself a new creature.  You know, let’s forget about that sword idea.  Fantasy and swords have been done to death.  I’m thinking a jetpack and rocket launchers that are powered by fallen stars.  What do you mean swords are a genre tradition?  Look, kid, I don’t know who Tolkien or Martin are, so what they’re doing is no concern for me.

Let’s take a look at this female lead.  Your description is rather flat because she’s not a sexpot.  She’s a warrior in real armor and there’s only one time that she needs to be rescued by the male lead.  It’s when she slips on a stone and almost falls in a river, which isn’t enough.  I’m thinking of bikini-clad sorceress with a shotgun and a penchant for bending over.  I have a book of actresses that you can choose from.  Why are you asking about their heads?  Don’t waste my time on stuff that people don’t care about.  Next thing you’ll be asking for shirts and pants on our choice for the male lead.  Oh yeah, we’ll be changing him from a thin archer to a muscular, beefcake knight.  We believe in equality so he’ll be in less clothing than the female lead.

Looking at your plot, I will admit that you’ve made it very far and have a fantastic fanbase that will see whatever we put out.  That gives us a lot of flexibility.  That subplot about a war that threatens to tear the world apart will be removed because it’s too dark.  So all of those secondary characters will be removed or repositioned.  That cuts out a lot of filler from your book too, which means the movie can be a lean 90 minutes.  If people like the first one then we’ll throw all this into the sequel and pump it up to 2 and a half hours.  I think this part about the goblins who hold the key to reviving the leads’ home valley should be changed.  You have it a negotiation and test of wits, but everyone knows that goblins are evil.  We’re changing it to an all-out slaughter because they are the ones destroying the valley.

So that’s what we’re planning for you book and now I need to remind you that you signed the contract.  As you can see there is a ‘Shut Up and Deal With It’ clause that you can only see under the light of a full moon.  This means we get to do whatever we want and the argument that you thought the contract was an autograph request is undone by the ‘Zip It, Sucker’ clause that you’ll see if you fold it like a MAD magazine cover.  What do you mean this is underhanded?  You want your book to be a movie, right?  Just be happy that you’re getting any attention.  Please, sir, stop crying on the leather couch.