I hate waking up. It’s the worst way to start the day. Yes, I know one has to wake up to start the day. Not waking up is a clear sign that something is medically wrong. Still, bad things happen within that first hour or two of consciousness. If you’re not ready then you’re in for embarrassment. Here’s some lessons:
- Shaving with toothpaste does not work.
- Brushing teeth with shaving cream does not work.
- Pants go on the bottom and shirt goes on the top. Do not leave the room until you confirm this system.
- Do not make your toddler breakfast and then eat that breakfast in front of him.
- Remember to cook your breakfast if it needs it.
- Unwrapping Poptarts improves the taste.
- Open the door to the bedroom before walking through. Trust me. It helps.
- Wearing your clothes into the shower does not count as laundry.
- Wearing glasses in the shower does not help your eyesight.
- Thinking about breakfast while in the shower can possibly lead to the accidental drinking of shampoo.
- When taking toddler to the bus, make sure you have shirt and shoes. It is respectful and no child should see your beer gut.
- Do not attempt morning biking when your eyes are still closed.
- If you need to change your toddler’s diaper, do not forget to put fresh diaper on before walking away.
Legends of Windemere 
I have a rule–no voltages higher than 110 before noon.
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Good rule, but sometimes you need a bigger zap to really wake up.
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Thanks for the laughs. I respect and admire you for trying Dad. I am glad those days are over for me. I had my children young (like most good southern girls) and I know now why God gives children to young people. My grandchildren haven’t started spending the nights with grandmother yet, except the granddaughter when the grandson was being born. We got through it, but I couldn’t handle it everyday anymore.
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I have a lot of fun with him when he’s willing to play. He’s in the ‘no daddy’ stage.
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Hmm, I have gotten into the shower with my glasses still on. attempted to eat something while it was still in the wrapper, and I’m pretty sure that I might’ve almost brushed my teeth with soap instead of toothpaste once.
Very humorous post though. 🙂
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Thanks. Some of those were tough lessons.
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I know the feeling very embarrassing.
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I like your all 13 points, but I also want to propose as an alternative just one point – sleeping two hours longer after recognizing that something is wrong with us in the morning. Let in such bad starts of the day our heroes be homeless or fired people instead of enslaved souls named achievers ‘trading’ easily their health/values/family life etc. for never ending process named success. Justification for such instant/extreme change in our behaviour can be brief statistical estimations of increased probability factors after ‘bad’ waking up that involve: causing car accidents, getting heart attack, stroke, offending big bosses etc.
Let people around us know that we love our lives and have much bigger plans for the future. Haha!
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That would be nice, but most people don’t have the luxury. The ‘joy’ of getting the kids off to school and then rushing off to work tends to take place over the course of an hour.
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It is OK sending kids to school as we must respect the basic/intrinsic parental duties, but after it going to bed instead off “rushing off to work”.
Probably a similar dilemma experienced our modern global hero, Mr. Snowden and one day in May he “feel waking up in the morning is like a grievous wound”. So, during the next two hours (when “healing from”) he thought deeply about his morally questionable work. Finally, he came to the most honorable as inspiring from now others decision: buying a ticket to Hong Kong and revealing the truth about his dirty job.
I believe that from now the FBI, CIA, Congress, Senate and similarly important governmental institutions will allow for their employees to skip some hours of work after feeling ‘bad waking up in the morning” to have additional paid naps – letting them sleep more instead of thinking too much about their jobs. It will work and only needed is your, Charles, informing them about this blog with our reflections. 🙂
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Between this and your sex post, I cant decide which one I like more…..ok, the sex post.
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I think that one is better too.
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You had me with the first two sentences. The rest was just whipped cream.
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Great . . . I think. I’m always leery about people mentioning whipped cream.
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Well I am about to get a bowl of ice cream. I’m pretty sure my reference was purely innocent.
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Context is everything. Now I want ice cream.
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I aint sharing.
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It would melt by the time it gets here anyway.
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Life’s axis changes when waking up too early. For instance, I’d add to the list the small act of putting on socks and shoes. Does one put on a sock and a sock, a shoe and a shoe? Or is it a sock and a shoe, a sock and a shoe?
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I go barefoot until I’m forced outside. Quick trip is just shoes, but going further than the driveway requires socks. I go socks first and then shoes, but mostly because my shoes are nowhere near my socks.
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😛 Silly goose! Someone should invent strawberry flavored shaving cream.
Ellespeth
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Not sure how well that would go over. I’m sure there’s a market for it.
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I like the sex post better too, but that is probably because I wrote mine first. Just saying. Stop thinking about sex Charles. Did you mention whipped cream just to make me leave this comment? You so did.
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I’m a guy. We always think about sex when we’re not thinking about sports and squirrels. I knew whipped cream would bring you here. You know me too well.
Yes, you posted first. I merely followed your shining, sex-posting example.
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Is that really all you have for me? But I’m your breast friend, you said so yourself. You disappoint me minion. i expected some off the wall story about how you were only thinking about sex because you saw two squirrels getting it on.
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Close. They were rabbits and they had no shame.
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UHM…so what you are saying is they were a lot like us? The no shame I mean, not doing it on the windowsill.
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Pretty much. Totally shameless.
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We have class. We just choose to skip it and comment instead. So about that pizza.
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The pizza was delicious. Loved the homemade crust.
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Why thank you. Did you ever write down that recipe or were you more involved in imagining someone else making it?
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I thought the chat program would save it, but it won’t let me access it. Although, I wouldn’t be able to make it around here. Not a big cooking friendly house.
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I will come over and make it. Just protect me from your family.
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I promise. They’re easily charmed with food.
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At least I still have my amazing homemade vodka sauce recipe. That’s always a winner.
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Great list! What I would add is :
You don’t need to go to school anymore. This used to happen to me. I would wake up in the morning and for some reason my brain would be deeply convinced I am late for school (which I finished years ago). I would wake up on the bus station for example.
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I used to get that when I woke up on the weekend and thought I had to go into work. Although, now I have the waking up and thinking my son is going to be late for the bus. Just can’t get away from that mentality.
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I do morning biking. Someone moved a log into the underpass where I ride through. ‘Nough said. Def can be dangerous.
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I use a stationary bike, so bad mornings involve me slipping off or missing the seat entirely.
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Well, that would suck too.
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Lots of laughs in this list. A part 2 might be needed.
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Those are the only ones I know, so I’m going to have depend on someone else to write a part two. Unless I have a string of bad mornings.
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Oh my God! Although I found this extremely funny I also offer my sympathies to you for having gone through this. Be strong my friend…this too shall pass. 🙂
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Thanks. I’ll get some good sleep at some point. The heat is really messing with my energy.
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Ahahah! Also antibacterial paste as toothpaste is disgusting! And it’s not a good idea to try to warm the milk on the hob inside a plastic bowl! I know the feeling!!!!
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Plastic in the microwave. I’ve done that one a few times.
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😀
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I laughed aloud. It’s all so true! Mornings are the worst.
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Afternoons are so much better.
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