The Ice Box: All of Your Alcohol Needs in One Basement

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Welcome to our little warehouse.  Okay, it’s gigantic since you can’t see the walls through the fog.  Put on a warm coat and we’ll head into the racks.  Here’s a general list of categories with specific brands being more nuanced.  As usual, we ask that you drink responsibly once you leave.  What happens if you don’t?  It’s called jail time and health issues.  Don’t be an idiot.

  • Beer– Transformation magic. Brand and type will determine new form.  Too many to list here.
  • Red Wine–  Vampire abilities.  Does not guarantee success with women.
  • White Wine– Ghost abilities.  Does not guarantee success with pottery.
  • Rose Wine– Werewolf abilities.  Does guarantee fleas.
  • Fortified Wine– Mummy abilities.  Does guarantee sand in awkward places.
  • Mead–  Teleport to a fantasy world until bottle is done.  Always start with Level 1 Stats.
  • Champagne–  Flight.  Higher the price, the smoother the flight.  (Cheapest will be air travel through flatulence.)
  • Whiskey–  Elemental control.  No, you will not become the Avatar.  Stop suing.
  • Vodka–  Healing powers.  Hair and nails will grow at increased rate until sober.  Some brands will revive the foreskin.
  • Tequila–  Raise the dead.  Type of undead is determined by brand . . . Drinker will be zombified for 24 hours.
  • Brandy–  Become a fine girl, but get dumped for the sea.
  • Sake–  Temperature control.  Differences are in range and aroma of sweat.
  • Gin–  Dragon breath.  Type depends on brand.  Warning: Avoid Sneezing.
  • Absinthe– Talk to animals.  Does not mean you can order them around like a jerk.
  • Rum–  Out of Stock.  Don’t ask why.
  • Schnapps–  Psychic powers.  Warning: Hangover is a bitch with these.
  • Moonshine– Enhanced physical abilities.  At least, that’s what you’ll believe.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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12 Responses to The Ice Box: All of Your Alcohol Needs in One Basement

  1. Is the hangover warning for the schnapps or the psychic powers? Or both?

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  2. L. Marie says:

    Hilarious!! Especially Brandy!
    I’ll take two meads! I assume I’ll need one for going and one for the return trip.

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  3. So much fun, Charles. Brandy was my favorite. Thanks.

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  4. Those were hilarious. Loved Brandy, but white wine was also great.

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  5. noelleg44 says:

    Great list, Charles. I need to give it to my husband who is taking his bartender’s exam today. But it might scare off some customers, although vodka could be a real hit!

    Like

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