The Author Hideaway Dealership: WiFi Not Always Included

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Welcome to . . . Oh, I see you’re in a rush, so I’ll get right to the pitch.  We provide authors with private locations that they can escape to after periods of stress.  These can be for work or just to relax, but we guarantee that nobody can intrude upon your personal haven without your permission.  Our products range from fortified offices to isolated cabins, but we do draw the line at pocket dimensions.  Yes, people tend to jump to that idea when we give the guarantee.  The problem there is that the rents are high and you never know when an interdimensional cataclysm will strike.  Last thing you want is to be stuck and gradually starve to death.  I will also tell you that we cannot build entire worlds.  It’s a single room or simple structure that can be no bigger than two floors.  At best, we can design a small island for you, but that’s very expensive.

A tree house is possible and we do have a variety of terrains that we maintain away from the public eye.  For trees, you would want either our jungle or forest regions, which you can view in those two windows.  Sadly, we can’t put a tree in the desert because the sand makes it impossible for the roots to be very secure.  One sandstorm and you’re going to be asking for a refund, but we don’t do those in such situations.  The taiga region over there could work as long as you’re okay with the smell of pine trees and don’t mind us connecting squirrel paths to the roof.  It’s better to do this or you’ll have them running through the building.  Now, what kind of structure were you considering?

Single-story cabin would work with a pulley elevator access, which you can activate with this beeper.  Arriving at the base of the tree will be accomplished by either our underground shuttle or teleportation rune.  We’re putting a cabin in a pine tree and you’re questioning magic?  Skim this pamphlet as I continue.  The basics will be a desk, bed, television if desired, bookshelves, and closet for clothes.  Due to the height, we can’t put a full patio, but there is a small porch that you will step onto.  It’s enough for a single rocking chair just be aware of the wind.  Decorations are all your choice and money since we don’t expect to make those decisions.  WiFi is a monthly service, but we assure you that it will never fail even in a storm.

Power is important here, so we need to discuss the type of generator.  You don’t want one too hot because it could ignite the tree.  Being so high up, you could use the solar and wind combination with an electric backup.  There’s also the squirrel one where the paths we add can use the passing animals to charge the batteries.  It’s not the most reliable one because you can’t guarantee their appearance, but people seem to go for this if they believe the others are two controversial.  Nuclear is a final option and we can put a shielded generator into the ceiling.  This is a popular option for our dystopian, horror, and science fiction authors, which is funny since we haven’t had an accident all year.  Well, no explosions, but there have been a few mutations.  Did I mention there are no refunds if that happens?  Sure, I guess we can put a bio-fuel generator on there, but what would you put in the . . . I don’t if pine needles and pine cones will work, but we need to move on.

There will be a small kitchen and a connected bathroom included.  The kitchen can be a full stove with cabinets to hold whatever you need for cooking as well as a refrigerator that you need to keep stocked.  Our devices will preserve all food put inside, so you don’t have to worry about anything going bad.  The large cabinet works the same way and is hermetically sealed as you can see in this design.  No, the smaller one holds the food and the bigger one is for liquor.  It used to be the other way around, but too many authors were switching them and then complaining about problems.  If all of that is too complicated, we can simply put a microwave over here along with the fridge, freezer, and a drawer for utensils.

The bathroom is similar to the kitchen in that you can go simple with only a toilet and sink or extravagant with a massaging bathtub.  We can’t make it too large in a tree house or the whole thing will fall to the ground.  The plumbing gets pretty heavy unless you want our water purification system, which we can put in the walls.  It makes a gentle gurgling noise every ten minutes, but it could help with weight distribution.  Now, you must provide your own soap and toilet paper since we don’t know your preferences.  All of our bathrooms come with a small desk that you can pull out in front of the toilet and a sealed compartment over here for a notebook.  If you include a bathtub or shower, we include a small waterproof computer here with a stylus.  This way, you can jot down any ideas you get in the shower and it will be sent to a master file that you can access from your synched smartphone.  Almost forgot, but we can have the ventilation fan double as an air freshener and we can provide one of hundreds of scents.

As you can see, there are a lot of little details, so let’s go to the back and hash all of them out.  Just remember that once you tell someone about this place, they will be allowed to show up whenever they want.  We’ve had so many authors lose their hideaways to kids and spouses who simple took them over.  Again, no refunds.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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55 Responses to The Author Hideaway Dealership: WiFi Not Always Included

  1. L. Marie says:

    Love this!
    I would like a tree hideaway. Do I need to specify the type of tree or is that in the brochure? I don’t have to have the squirrel-powered generator, since they are too haphazard. But I would like a reliable one. Will this be a tick-free zone?

    Liked by 1 person

    • We do have trees listed in the brochure, but it’s best for the client to specify. This takes into account all preferences. We check periodically for ticks and other harmful insects, but one can’t control nature entirely. The tree hideaway does get a monthly termite inspection since that is more of a threat than ticks. We can install a naked mole rat-operated generator, which includes a tunnel system that covers the entire hideaway. You will be responsible for feeding them if you decide not to give it an opening to the outside world. If you choose the exit then you need to sign a waiver that you understand the risks. Predators can get in or the entire colony could leave.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is an excellent idea, Charles. I like the idea of the island with Wifi but no email or cell phone access.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. C.E.Robinson says:

    Charles, this is genius! I’m changing from “I need a cave to I need a tree house.” Thanks for the chuckle this morning! Let’s talk! 📚 Christine


  4. All these sound good especially during the tourist season. Lots of laughs here, Charles.


  5. Oloriel says:

    Always kinda dreamed of a writer’s retreat which is an elaborate tech-blessed treehouse.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was given a ‘writer retreat’ once, but it didn’t work out well. Due to money constraints, it was at this motel and the room was really small. It was under the stairs too, so it felt like the place prostitutes would take clients or drug deals would happen. It was also a surprise, so it was sprung on me just after I finished a project and had nothing major to work on. Oops.


  6. I love it. I’ve been dreaming of renting one of those floating cabins for years. They tow them from place to place, and some are great during salmon runs and such. Maybe a week in a cabin near the mouth of a river where the sockeye are schooling. Add a frying pan and some garlic salt, and I’m golden. Wouldn’t complain about a saltwater bay with a crab trap either.


  7. I’d like to buy such a place, but I’d like an old Nuclear missile silo, nuclear generator (with plenty of shielding), nice bed and chairs. Can I get a freezer along with the refrigerator? Also how about a nice ice cream maker? Can I get a fresh water spring installed too? Preferably not too close to the nuclear generator.
    Oh… is there anyway to get a lemonade faucet or fountain? How much would all of this set me back?

    Liked by 1 person

    • A couple billion, but we’d have to check the pipes for all the liquid. Not to mention the shielding for those pipes since the ground might be slightly radioactive. The fresh water spring might be a problem. All of our nuclear silo locations are too far away from a natural water source to keep such an addition fully functional.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I guess a spring might be out of the question, but you can provide some kind of running water, right?
        Oh! I nearly forgot, can part of the silo be turned into a small hydroponic greenhouse? Nothing too fancy, just a place to grow a few things like tomato’s and peppers, maybe strawberries too.
        Are you sure you wouldn’t like to just build it for me for free? I’ll refer a lot of people to you.


      • We do have plumbers who can set up a tap with filter. The hydroponic greenhouse is an option, but you will have to do the planting on your own. We only do construction of those ever since our gardening department got taken over by Home Depot.

        Work for referrals, huh? I think I just heard every artist in the world gnash their teeth and howl in rage. We do prefer money in order to stay in business. Let one person get a large hideaway worth billions for free and then everyone will try to make the same deal.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well it was worth asking, I didn’t expect you to agree. What about a payment plan? At least until I win the lottery?

        I don’t mind planting, so let’s go ahead and add the hydroponic greenhouse. Can you add another, smaller inclosed area for tropical plants? High humidity and hot? That would be great, also can I get Victorian accents on everything? It would be great if it looked like something Jules Verne would have dreamed up.


  8. Pingback: The Author Hideaway Dealership: WiFi Not Always Included — Legends of Windemere | Fantasy Lesfic Author Natasja Hellenthal

  9. CP Bialois says:

    Love this. 🙂 One of my goals is to eventually create a writer’s retreat.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. CP Bialois says:

    Reblogged this on The BiaLog and commented:
    So cool! I love this. 😀 One of my dreams is to create an author’s retreat at some point.


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