Welcome to . . . Oh, I see you’re in a rush, so I’ll get right to the pitch. We provide authors with private locations that they can escape to after periods of stress. These can be for work or just to relax, but we guarantee that nobody can intrude upon your personal haven without your permission. Our products range from fortified offices to isolated cabins, but we do draw the line at pocket dimensions. Yes, people tend to jump to that idea when we give the guarantee. The problem there is that the rents are high and you never know when an interdimensional cataclysm will strike. Last thing you want is to be stuck and gradually starve to death. I will also tell you that we cannot build entire worlds. It’s a single room or simple structure that can be no bigger than two floors. At best, we can design a small island for you, but that’s very expensive.
A tree house is possible and we do have a variety of terrains that we maintain away from the public eye. For trees, you would want either our jungle or forest regions, which you can view in those two windows. Sadly, we can’t put a tree in the desert because the sand makes it impossible for the roots to be very secure. One sandstorm and you’re going to be asking for a refund, but we don’t do those in such situations. The taiga region over there could work as long as you’re okay with the smell of pine trees and don’t mind us connecting squirrel paths to the roof. It’s better to do this or you’ll have them running through the building. Now, what kind of structure were you considering?
Single-story cabin would work with a pulley elevator access, which you can activate with this beeper. Arriving at the base of the tree will be accomplished by either our underground shuttle or teleportation rune. We’re putting a cabin in a pine tree and you’re questioning magic? Skim this pamphlet as I continue. The basics will be a desk, bed, television if desired, bookshelves, and closet for clothes. Due to the height, we can’t put a full patio, but there is a small porch that you will step onto. It’s enough for a single rocking chair just be aware of the wind. Decorations are all your choice and money since we don’t expect to make those decisions. WiFi is a monthly service, but we assure you that it will never fail even in a storm.
Power is important here, so we need to discuss the type of generator. You don’t want one too hot because it could ignite the tree. Being so high up, you could use the solar and wind combination with an electric backup. There’s also the squirrel one where the paths we add can use the passing animals to charge the batteries. It’s not the most reliable one because you can’t guarantee their appearance, but people seem to go for this if they believe the others are two controversial. Nuclear is a final option and we can put a shielded generator into the ceiling. This is a popular option for our dystopian, horror, and science fiction authors, which is funny since we haven’t had an accident all year. Well, no explosions, but there have been a few mutations. Did I mention there are no refunds if that happens? Sure, I guess we can put a bio-fuel generator on there, but what would you put in the . . . I don’t if pine needles and pine cones will work, but we need to move on.
There will be a small kitchen and a connected bathroom included. The kitchen can be a full stove with cabinets to hold whatever you need for cooking as well as a refrigerator that you need to keep stocked. Our devices will preserve all food put inside, so you don’t have to worry about anything going bad. The large cabinet works the same way and is hermetically sealed as you can see in this design. No, the smaller one holds the food and the bigger one is for liquor. It used to be the other way around, but too many authors were switching them and then complaining about problems. If all of that is too complicated, we can simply put a microwave over here along with the fridge, freezer, and a drawer for utensils.
The bathroom is similar to the kitchen in that you can go simple with only a toilet and sink or extravagant with a massaging bathtub. We can’t make it too large in a tree house or the whole thing will fall to the ground. The plumbing gets pretty heavy unless you want our water purification system, which we can put in the walls. It makes a gentle gurgling noise every ten minutes, but it could help with weight distribution. Now, you must provide your own soap and toilet paper since we don’t know your preferences. All of our bathrooms come with a small desk that you can pull out in front of the toilet and a sealed compartment over here for a notebook. If you include a bathtub or shower, we include a small waterproof computer here with a stylus. This way, you can jot down any ideas you get in the shower and it will be sent to a master file that you can access from your synched smartphone. Almost forgot, but we can have the ventilation fan double as an air freshener and we can provide one of hundreds of scents.
As you can see, there are a lot of little details, so let’s go to the back and hash all of them out. Just remember that once you tell someone about this place, they will be allowed to show up whenever they want. We’ve had so many authors lose their hideaways to kids and spouses who simple took them over. Again, no refunds.