Ye Olde Boat Shoppe: If It Floats Then We Did Our Job

Legend of Zelda Wind Waker

Legend of Zelda Wind Waker

Welcome to Ye Olde Boat Shoppe, which has been in our family for so many generations that we never bothered to give it a flashy name.  Just to be clear, we make new boats that are tailored to your specifications.  There’s some confusion since it does sound like we only sell old boats.  Look, we’d change the name, but that risks the fury of our ancestors in the form of ghosts that yodel sea shanties.  It’s a very strange family curse placed on us by a mildly annoyed Pirate Queen after she stubbed her toe on that step by the front door that nobody ever sees.  Can’t change it either because of the H.O.A.  Are you going to order a boat or pay me for my biography?

A small vessel that can be manned by a single person and carry a lot of gear.  So you want a magic ship.  Let’s get the enchantments out of the way.  This would include a mast that controls the wind, a fortified hull, a self-adjusting rudder, and three holding boxes.  One will be for ship supplies, another for food and drink, and the last one would be for miscellaneous.  These are standard for such a ship and the price depends on how you want the enchantments to be forged.  Cheap means a powerful caster did the job with regular supplies, which can be undone in various situations.  A more durable set can be purchased if you want the blessing of a deity, which can come with either a deadly quest or the curse of never staying more than a day on land.  Our most expensive one is . . . don’t you want to hear it?  Fine, one Sacrifice of the Family ritual coming up.  Well, I guess it doesn’t have to be your family specifically.  Let’s move on.

Are you thinking of weapons too?  We do have the Mast Denter 6000 on sale along with a bag of cannonball regeneration.  It is still rather pricey, but you seem like a person where money is no object.  That small one with the sparkles is our Baby Mermaid model, which has unlimited ammunition.  Don’t get too excited because it fires cupcakes instead of cannonballs.  I don’t think there’s a big market for hunting down diabetic pirates.  I know I said weapons, but cannons are really it for this day and age.  Given the size of your ship, you won’t need more than that and should focus on maneuverability.  No, the gnomes have not invented torpedoes, missiles, or . . . are you sure you’re in the right genre?

Do you want this ship to look like anything specific?  A boat . . . I walked right into that one.  Just tell me colors, flags, designs on the side, the figurehead, or anything beyond the pieces.  Dark red is good and putting foam designs along the bottom isn’t too bad.  Squid flags are out of stock right now, but we do have a few octopus left.  Sea Urchin would be a special order since there aren’t many calls for that.  That leaves us with the figurehead and we have many choices.  One that talks?  Going back to enchantments, huh?  You want a busty woman with black hair and a bikini, but she speaks like a foul-mouthed pirate.  Oh, not like a foul-mouthed pirate, but her voice is male and she curses when giving you directions.  Free of charge on that one only because I really want to hear the stories that come from it.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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40 Responses to Ye Olde Boat Shoppe: If It Floats Then We Did Our Job

  1. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    I love these little scenarios by Charles 😄


  2. You really outdid yourself on this one. Ghosts who haunt by singing sea shanties, enchanted figureheads. I love it.


  3. L. Marie says:

    Ha ha! Love this, Charles! “Don’t get too excited because it fires cupcakes instead of cannonballs.” Hilarious!
    Can I get one that fires candy? That would be nice come parade time. Though some kids might get hurt.


  4. Great fun!

    I was just daydreaming as I read this, Charles! I want a moat made of molten chocolate. But, if I HAD a moat made out of chocolate, I wouldn’t have it long.


  5. noelleg44 says:

    As a sailor, I’d love this boat. But I want a hunky blond man as my first mate! Good job, Charles!


  6. I just happened to overhear you talking to that last guy… Do you really have a cupcake cannon? I’m interested in getting two on my next boat… Yes, I’m buying from you, why wouldn’t I?
    Do you build triremes? Just a small one person job? Maybe with candy shields mounted in the sides and a confetti catapult? No, not paper confetti, magic confetti that explodes on contact with water to create pudding or fruit flavored gelatin? You only have the confetti that turns into chocolate milk ce cream? I guess that’ll have to do.
    Could I get a figurehead that sings about candy and ice cream? I’m not obsessed with sugar! I’m going after a pirate chief who just happens to be a dessert chef, he’s the one obsessed with sugar and I need to distract him while I sneak onto his ship and steal a book and a genie.
    So, can you help?


    • We can work on a trireme, but I’m not sure if it can work for one person. Maybe with some enchanted oars. As far as the armaments go, I wouldn’t recommend the candy shields. They attract gulls and only last for a few days before going stale. Surprised there’s still a market for them.

      If you insist then we can put all of that together. Though, I would suggest an inflatable raft in case this Dessert Pirate eats your ship before you can return. That happens more often than you would think. If he’s the superstitious type then we also have the Dead Ship Generator that makes your vessel look like a ghost ship. Not as sugary, but it won’t attract so many animals.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds great! I’ll take everything! If the Dead Ship Generator can be integrated with the candy, I’d like to call my new ship the ‘Ghost of Sugar Past’.
        Now how soon can I get my ship and how much will it cost? You do take doughnuts in payment, right?


      • It might work, but on the visual side. The ship will still smell like candy. Illusion magic does have its limits. We only take money because our suppliers only take money. Starting to wonder where people got that idea we’re a sweet-based economy over here.

        The ship will take 2 weeks for ordering special parts, labor, test runs, and our head designer recovering from that pun name. I think he fainted into the organic rigging garden.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. How much for a capsize-resistant coating?


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