Barbarian Bazaar: All Products Come in Bulk

Final Fantasy 9 Treno

Final Fantasy 9 Treno

So you want to be a barbarian.  Well, you have the size for it and that intimidating stare is chilling.  Still, you need the attitude and ferocity that comes with controlling a churning rage that has been kept under control for generations.  For that we’ll need a test.  I’m going to slap you around for a bit and you’re going to behave.  Don’t ask why I’m putting on metal gloves.  Barbarians don’t get worried about such things.  Here we go . . . Well, you took that like a champ.  Grab a mug and we’ll get to business.

First, you need to pick a weapon.  Most go for large things like axes, mauls, or severed branches.  There’s the crossbow option too.  Of course you can have two of those, but it’d be hard to load them.  True, that would give you two distance attacks and then you can get close.  We have some daggers, but they aren’t a popular item.  Have you seen the size of your hands?  A dagger would look ridiculous in those mitts and I’m fairly certain you’d slice the tips of your fingers off.  What do you mean that dagger?  You’re pointing at a two-handed broadsword that is typically used to kill a man and his horse in one blow.  Maybe I hit you in the head too hard.

Now we do have lesson to help with wilderness skills and sense enhancement.  Tracking and hunting are highly recommended.  Both of those classes have openings, so you don’t have to worry about space.  Bashing solid objects with your head and ignoring blizzard conditions are booked for a month.  May I recommend animal husbandry?  Nobody ever takes that one.  Well, you can pick a sense or two to get trained because those always help in the wild.  They’re all self-explanatory.  Sense of smell is a great choice and . . . sense of taste is an odd one.  I’ll have to call the teacher back from his five year vacation since it wasn’t very popular.  Mind if I ask why those too?  Not sure what coffee has to do with it, but you’re the customer.

Let’s see what we got left.  Clothing is covered in a hunting class.  We’ll move onto the scars that you want.  It isn’t like getting a tattoo since you can’t get it removed and I won’t be the one giving it to you.  We have an extensive menagerie on the premises and you pick what you want to fight.  I can call the beasts off and send in the healers once you get what you want.  Just pick what you want and I’ll get them ready.  Here’s the catalog.  The thing on the cover is only a design, so that isn’t an option.  Just flip through and make your decisions.  You’ll see we have pictures of the most common scars too.  That’s a field mouse and it’s only in there for completion.  How about you pick something dangerous and I’ll give you the mouse for free?  We don’t have one thousand field mice because that would be a health code violation.  I definitely hit you in the head too hard.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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10 Responses to Barbarian Bazaar: All Products Come in Bulk

  1. C.E.Robinson says:

    Charles, I want to be a barbarian on your apocalypse survival team. Yep, you’d be better prepared the way you think, even if some of it is imaginative. (laughing)…great writing! 💛 Elizabeth


  2. Such a laugh out loud post. Enjoyed it.


  3. is there an elephant scar option? Or are those always fatal? Also what about a small ballista instead of a crossbow?
    You do take wishful thinking as payment, don’t you?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sure something could be done. The tusks can pierce and cut without killing if you’re lucky. Getting stepped on would be a bit too crippling. We’ll have to build the barbarian around the ballista to make that work. Have some ogre around here to help with that.

      Wishful thinking doesn’t have the same currency exchange as it used to. Everything went down hill once the genie union broke apart.

      Liked by 2 people

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