House of Pointy Ears

Plane Touched in D&D

Plane Touched in D&D

Welcome to . . . have we met before?  You look familiar.  Must have one of those faces or I’ve been sniffing too much pixie dust.  Anyway, Welcome to House of Pointy Ears.  We like to call ourselves H.O.P.E. even though not everything hear has pointy ears.  In fact, most of our stock doesn’t fall into that category.  We simply cater to the biggest fan base and people love elves.  I’m not even going to tell you how deep that love goes, but let’s just say that we have a special contract for them.  So, what can I do for you?

Populating a fantasy world with non-humans, huh?  Do you have any humans or are you going without those things?  They’re legends and have gone extinct.  I like where this is going because I don’t make a cent on humans.  People always get a few Adam & Eve packs, releases the bastards into the world, and that’s the end of my job.  It’s why I rarely keep anything else in stock and have to special order anything else that’s human.  Of course I’m bitter about it.  You see, people are turning away from the non-human species and that’s going to put me out of business.  Unlike my brother with a supermarket, I can’t eat my stock to survive if I go under . . . not legally anyway.  Now, do you want the Middle Earth, Narnia, Dragon, or Create-Your-Own Package?  We have more, but the guy writing this skit can’t think of anything.  Let’s stop poking at the 4th wall, kid.

Create-Your-Own is a good choice because you can take pieces from the catalog and make your own creatures.  We’ll just talk about the roles that you need filled to get an idea since our catalog takes up an entire room.  You can see it here with all the ladders, drawings on the walls, and the two-headed rescue dog at the front.  Now, you’ll need a pretty race, an ugly race, a worker race, and then you get your choice of two other types for free.  It’s extra for every other race, but you can get a discount if you make your villain the ‘last survivor’ type.  Most people go for the elf, orc, and dwarf comb, but your package allows you to change it up.  Think outside of what you’re used to while keep part of your mind on tradition.  For example, you can have a peacock race, vulture race, and chicken race to fill those roles.  That’s just if you go for all bird-types.  No, they’re not going to be real birds.  You can just make that the core of their design and then make them more . . . humanoid.  That’s how most people do it these days.  Anthropomorphism is hot and nobody even realizes it outside of those anime guys and they’re stuck on cat girls.  You’re still thinking?  Then let’s consider your other races.

Since these are going to be your workable characters instead of traditional secondaries, you need to think strong like wolves or elephants.  You can also go unique like red pandas or quaggas since extinct creatures can still be alive in your world.  I always like to suggest that your hero come from one of the extra races because that gives them more importance.  Good idea with a merchant race.  We have some templates that you can examine to get an idea of what will work for what business.  Odd to have Camel People acting as fishermen . . . okay, I guess that could work.  Any ideas for the other race?  The spellcasters, huh?  I can look into adding some mythological creature pieces into your package, but it’ll cost you.  Those things aren’t easy to get like dwarves and elves.  You ever try to find a manticore in a pinch?  It isn’t easy and those breeders can be horribly greedy because of the risk.

Anyway, I’m going to let you into the catalog.  Remember to have a head, limbs, torso, reproductive organs, and you can play with everything else.  Here’s a scent bag in case we have to send the dog after you.  Maybe you should stop at the cafeteria to grab a survival pack just to be safe.  I’m not saying we’ve ever lost someone in the catalog, but here’s a form to sign.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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23 Responses to House of Pointy Ears

  1. Lol – brilliant!

    Cat girls are cool. 🙂

    Like

  2. L. Marie says:

    Ha! I’d like some red pandas to go. And perhaps a race of chickens.
    I’m sorry to hear that people are turning from non-humans since my book has mostly non-humans (with a sprinkling of humans). Oh well. I still love elves!

    Like

    • I think non-humans will always be around fantasy. They’re too engrained in the genre. So you might have to step away from the popular series of the time to find the others.

      Do you want the chicken people feathered or deep fried?

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  3. This was fun. How do I get this thing off my keyboard? It just sits there.

    Like

  4. elainecanham says:

    I’d like two miniature trolls and the Empress Jadis to go, please. Oh, and a couple of talking cheetahs

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  5. Wonder what Spock would think. 😉

    Like

  6. Sounds like that old Wii game, Spore. You could come up with some crazy combinations!

    Like

  7. Pingback: Changelings on Tour: Charles Yallowitz | The D/A Dialogues

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