Q from James Bond
Welcome to our little store found in an undisclosed location. Yes, I know we have a Chinese restaurant next door, but that doesn’t narrow anything down. Have any idea how many of those are around? Most of them are fronts for criminal organizations or government agencies anyway. You figure that out by what they put in their house special fried rice. Now, what can I get for you? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think you misunderstand this place. The cars, guns, and crazy gadgets are important, but you really want the right person to use it. That’s what we sell here: The actual spy.
Now that we understand each other, let’s get the basics done. You have the standard James Bond package of tall, dark, British, and emotionally distant. That last one can vary depending on his appearance. This is cheap since everyone looks for them. There’s a barely used bald action star version, but it’s American and only good for one mission. I see you looking at the female model, which is very handy. Only problem with that one bad move on your part and they go after your entire operation. You want what? A red-haired Australian with a love of tattoos and built like a track runner. Do you know how the spy game works?
Customer is always right even when they’re wrong. Let’s get to skill set. You need some type of fighting style, but that’s not all. Treat your spy like a specialized thief, which means moving silently, sticking to shadows, picking locks, and other abilities that help with breaking and entering. Yes, we do have drunken boxing. That along with krav magra? We have a policy not to ask what jobs you’re going to be taking, but this is too bizarre for me not to be tempted. At least the motorcycle riding and intimidation techniques make sense for the guy. Wine tasting . . . We have a sale where you can get that along with golf, art history, and another ‘high society’ skill for cheap. Sorry, but we’re completely out of ‘natural charm’ until next month. That goes quickly. Best I have as a replacement now is ‘smooth talking’ and ‘talented dancer’. Drunken boxing cannot be used as a replacement for dancing.
Legends of Windemere 
Ha ha!!! Do you have one who minored in archaeology and who also has supreme computer hacking and surveillance skills? Or would that person be better in headquarters than in the field?
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Depends on how you use them. Sounds like you want someone who is good at espionage or robbing a museum. Not really sure where the archaeology comes into it.
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The archaeology aspect would be a good cover to catch international counterfeiters of artifacts. Do you watch Doctor Who? A character on the show is part spy/part thief/part archaeologist.
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Never got into Doctor Who. Though it sounds like Nathan Drake from Uncharted. I’m actually wondering if the archaeologist thing would work in real life.
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I’d like a middle-aged, banker type who won’t stand out anywhere. Computer hacking skills and ability to go off the net required.
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We always have those in stock. For some reason, they don’t sell as much as the flashier models.
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Can you supersize my order?
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We can, but huge spies tend to lose their stealth abilities.
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Yeah I can see that. How about a two for one deal.
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You got it. May I recommend our ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ package? It gives you a male and female spy. Only problem is that they occasionally squabble and blow up a house.
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That’s okay. Just so they don’t do it in my house.
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Sadly, we can’t make any promises. All products have free will. Well, most of them do. We have a brainwashing add-on, but you’ll lose some ingenuity and resourcefulness in that bargain.
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Okay forget the twofer. I’ll take a female.
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That second sentence is so wrong out of context. 😛
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Ha ha ha.
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What about a super-intelligent Spy Cat? Easily gets into places with feline charm, remembers everything she sees or hears, and can type reports in moments.
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We did add a pet store after the trend of ‘smart pets’ in movies came up. Cats and dogs are rather popular, but rodents and snakes are the big thing now. I should warn you that any enemies with a cat allergy will cause a problem. Covering damage caused by that scenario is a little extra.
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What do you mean, “drunken boxing cannot be used as a replacement for dancing”?!
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Only in certain circumstances. Women tend to take offense at a dip being turned into a piledriver.
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You obviously haven’t seen the way I dance… It can be hard to tell the difference.
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This is why I never dance. Far too much flailing and embarrassment.
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You always did strike me as a wise man.
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Wisdom always strikes out of self-preservation. 😀
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